[rothfan6]

Therapy especially trauma therapy is not fair. Your supposed to form a connection and trust with your therapist then just walk away when your “better”. Why bother doing that if I’m just going to feel hurt at the end? I’m finally to a point where I have a connection to my T and feel attached for lack of a better way to say it but all I feel at the moment is regret and kicking myself. I’ve set myself up to get hurt

[passionfruit3]

I used to feel that way then i got to the third therapist and you know what i learned two things to not get so attached and to make sure i had closure with my therapist before i left. Just a last session to do something fun and tell them how much you mean to them.i know it still hurts but after awhile you get numb to pain

Sent from my SM-T210R using Tapatalk

[Leah123]

Is he forcing a termination? The idea is you leave when you are ready, and it won't hurt so much! Or keep in touch over time, like dropping down session frequency at your comfort level.

[rothfan6]

No he’s assured me he’s willing to work with me for as long as I need. Its just my brain screwing things up I guess. Im in this cycle of the thought of leaving is really painful which makes me want to just cut my loses and run right now instead of getting more attached but that would be really painful. I feel like I screwed up somewhere and let him get to close and I can’t run like I normally would. Relationships trigger me and I start having more problems the closer I am to someone. Like T canceling or missing a session early on didn’t bother me at all but now if that happens its intolerable.

[Leah123]

I understand and I am sorry it's so painful. That's how it's been for me too. I can tell you that over time, it's gotten easier.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by rothfan6

No he’s assured me he’s willing to work with me for as long as I need. Its just my brain screwing things up I guess. Im in this cycle of the thought of leaving is really painful which makes me want to just cut my loses and run right now instead of getting more attached but that would be really painful. I feel like I screwed up somewhere and let him get to close and I can’t run like I normally would. Relationships trigger me and I start having more problems the closer I am to someone. Like T canceling or missing a session early on didn’t bother me at all but now if that happens its intolerable.

I have been going through the same thing. I am very attached to my T and all I keep thinking about is how I will feel when therapy is over. I also think, what is the point when it will all end. I have thought about quitting therapy so the pain wont be so bad. I have shared all of this with my therapist. She said that even if we aren't having sessions anymore that our relationship will always exist and she will always care about me. I am making progress in therapy and its helping me so much so I got to hang on and have faith it will work out for the best. Another thing that I can always cherish is I record every season. I will always have our sessions to listen to. Could you record your sessions or ask your T to make a recording for you that you can listen to and always have?

[musinglizzy]

I talked to my T about this pretty early on in therapy. Because that was a concern I have. She, also, told me that I don't have to leave until I'm ready, and that when I AM really, truly ready, I will be in a better place and walking away won't feel so hard, as I think it would have then. She said part of moving on in therapy, getting to where I want to be, will be accepting our going our separate ways.

It is cruel and somewhat evil. My ex therapist PROMISED me he would never abandon me and would see me through to the end of my "healing" and he did abandon me totally out of the blue. It was extremely traumatic and horrible and damaging and I think people need to be aware that this can happen and how awful therapy can end up being. You can end up MUCH worse than when you started.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

It is cruel and somewhat evil. My ex therapist PROMISED me he would never abandon me and would see me through to the end of my "healing" and he did abandon me totally out of the blue. It was extremely traumatic and horrible and damaging and I think people need to be aware that this can happen and how awful therapy can end up being. You can end up MUCH worse than when you started.

Me too... I think it makes the abandonment even worse when it also involves a broken promise.

Originally Posted by rothfan6

Therapy especially trauma therapy is not fair. Your supposed to form a connection and trust with your therapist then just walk away when your “better”. Why bother doing that if I’m just going to feel hurt at the end? I’m finally to a point where I have a connection to my T and feel attached for lack of a better way to say it but all I feel at the moment is regret and kicking myself. I’ve set myself up to get hurt

When the works complete, it's feels different

[Restin]

I've been thru this same conflict in a major way, Rothfan. What I've learned from it is that I expect the end of therapy to be with the same kind of attached feelings as I started. That just seems so unbearable and also cruel of a therapist to send off a patient who is so desperately attached. But I'm learning that worrying about the end before I've hardly started is getting the cart before the horse, and just making myself suffer agony I don't need to. There's enough suffering in therapy without asking for some that might or might not be in the future.

I can get panicked about "the end" because of how devastated I will feel if it happens too soon. I'm severely, constantly, worried T will end before I'm ready, and not care that I'm feeling annihilated.

But what I'm realizing now is that there is a great middle part of therapy where I build a strong core foundation of mature strengths, through my close relationship with my T. I tell my T over and over all my fears, resentments, and experiences with loving and losing, over her and others. I learn all kinds of things about myself, and change about many things I've assumed about my childhood and family. I'm also soaking in the love and care of the T, an essential experience I missed in childhood. The circuits in my brain are even filling in what was missing about relating and loving in a good way. This going on through months and years of sessions.

When I'v'e gotten a huge pile of that relationship with T and myself, I realize that it provides a sort of cushion for enduring her vacations or stressful times with her. When enough of the talk and feelings have been built, it just becomes natural to feel less needful of T. Instead of feeling empty, I'm feeling a core building inside me.
I know its impossible to imagine this in advance. And it's important not to jump ahead and imagine being without T before all the bulk of this middle work provides a buffer. It takes much effort to have faith in this. And therapy takes as long as it takes, whether a few years or many years.
It's true that someone can be so constantly worried about being terminated that nothing happens to build a full relationship with T + self, and sometimes causes so much disruption that staying stuck in paranoia sabotages therapy. Some books say we need to grieve loss of our T, but some of us start that grieving before we even have a good experience with our therapist. We jump ahead. If a time to grieve over T does come, it shouldn't be the same raw grief that happened way back in infancy. There's a big difference between infant grief that's annihilation, and mature grief that's do-able and has a lot of good padding under it. But it isn't possible to know that when jumping way ahead of where you are in therapy.

So, it helps me to just focus on working with T and try not to think of how it will "end". I love the phrase someone has on the forum that goes like this: "If you're worried about the end of therapy, then it isn't time to end." Ending shouldn't be something the T does to you. Instead, it should be your own gradual idea to do some other things with some of the time or money, just because you feel less need of T. At least, this is the modern approach about the course of therapy. And another thing: By the time you've built strengths with T, you feel confident to speak up to her or him and negotiate what you need as an equal human being, and that right there takes the edge off fear of what T might do.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

It is cruel and somewhat evil. My ex therapist PROMISED me he would never abandon me and would see me through to the end of my "healing" and he did abandon me totally out of the blue. It was extremely traumatic and horrible and damaging and I think people need to be aware that this can happen and how awful therapy can end up being. You can end up MUCH worse than when you started.

I am with you Puzzle bug. I was naïve and had no idea I should not trust my T. I was duped by the mask of someone who said they cared but really didn't. I lost years of my life agonizing over how someone I trusted would turn on me. I don't understand any of it. No one is helping me figure this out. I don't mean people here on PC, I mean people in RL who know me. My T for one. He could have helped me but chose not to. I don't know what he was thinking turning against me but he did. I can't deal with it. Sorry. I am sad and angry.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

When the works complete, it's feels different

I have to agree with this. I can remember being in the place where I thought I'd never heal and never be able to walk away from therapy actually ready to walk away, but that point can and does actually happen. Unfortunately, many here have experiences where their therapy ended before it was complete which can be a very painful experience. But if you are able to work through therapy to a natural and healing ending, the ending is actually not painful or difficult at all; it feels quite normal, that natural next step, to move on and away from therapy and into the next phase of life.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Sizzling

I am with you Puzzle bug. I was naïve and had no idea I should not trust my T. I was duped by the mask of someone who said they cared but really didn't. I lost years of my life agonizing over how someone I trusted would turn on me. I don't understand any of it. No one is helping me figure this out. I don't mean people here on PC, I mean people in RL who know me. My T for one. He could have helped me but chose not to. I don't know what he was thinking turning against me but he did. I can't deal with it. Sorry. I am sad and angry.

You say you can't deal with it. But you are doing so right now by being here. I am not trying to sugar coat your anger or pain. I know it is a wound but it seems like you are admitting the pain. And dealing with it.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I have to agree with this. I can remember being in the place where I thought I'd never heal and never be able to walk away from therapy actually ready to walk away, but that point can and does actually happen. Unfortunately, many here have experiences where their therapy ended before it was complete which can be a very painful experience. But if you are able to work through therapy to a natural and healing ending, the ending is actually not painful or difficult at all; it feels quite normal, that natural next step, to move on and away from therapy and into the next phase of life.

Exactly what my T tells me when I think about the end.

[unaluna]

Restin

[ruh roh]

I think it is cruel, but more so if it's interrupted by termination on either side before it gets to a more finished place.

I do wonder how they can do this kind of work and not feel any guilt about it, though. The other day, my dog got into the waste basket at my therapist's office and pulled out tissue. My therapist said it was really full that day. I looked. She was right. And it was only 2:00 in the afternoon. Had everyone been crying that day or just one or two heavy lifters? I'd been sobbing, but hadn't used any tissue because I was too absorbed in my pain, so I just used the old fashioned method. Anyway, she said it like she was just noticing the weather outside, and I thought...wow, these people really are detached. She's not a cold person, but she is also not a rescuer or comforter. It was sobering to take all of that in via the trashcan. So yeah, I think it's cruel on many levels. I'm just not sure what the option is, or if this actually does end well, and it's impossible to see that during the endlessly dark middle of it all.

[PinkFlamingo99]

The problem is that the therapist can choose to end or decide you're ready and "push you out of the nest" at any point. Even the ones who promise they won't.

[Freewilled]

I think it probably could end naturally with little to no pain, but let's face it - therapy is a risk. There's the risk that the T moves away (like mine did) or that they terminate unexpectedly (like my ex-T did years ago)...or maybe you have to move away. Who knows? That's what makes it risky. And I think its when the transference is involved that it gets super painful.

I have a new T now and I can take or leave her. There is absolutely no transference whatsoever (THANK GOD!). But with my last T I was in it deep....man, it hurt going to therapy and it really hurt when he told me he was moving. He told me he would be there for the long haul but 2+ years wasn't long enough. And there's no way to know how long it will take for you to come to a natural ending...so you have to hope life doesn't get in the way or worst case scenario - your T ends up being one of those unethical Ts we've all at least heard about here (it does happen).

So I think the question is: is it worth the risk? I believe everyone has to make that decision for themselves. I have mixed feelings.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

When the works complete, it's feels different

I hope so. Right now its just painful

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have been going through the same thing. I am very attached to my T and all I keep thinking about is how I will feel when therapy is over. I also think, what is the point when it will all end. I have thought about quitting therapy so the pain wont be so bad. I have shared all of this with my therapist. She said that even if we aren't having sessions anymore that our relationship will always exist and she will always care about me. I am making progress in therapy and its helping me so much so I got to hang on and have faith it will work out for the best. Another thing that I can always cherish is I record every season. I will always have our sessions to listen to. Could you record your sessions or ask your T to make a recording for you that you can listen to and always have?

I havent recorded a session. I hate hearing my own voice. He did record a relaxation exercise for me but it doesn't sound like him since he's reading from a piece of paper.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Restin

I've been thru this same conflict in a major way, Rothfan. What I've learned from it is that I expect the end of therapy to be with the same kind of attached feelings as I started. That just seems so unbearable and also cruel of a therapist to send off a patient who is so desperately attached. But I'm learning that worrying about the end before I've hardly started is getting the cart before the horse, and just making myself suffer agony I don't need to. There's enough suffering in therapy without asking for some that might or might not be in the future.

I can get panicked about "the end" because of how devastated I will feel if it happens too soon. I'm severely, constantly, worried T will end before I'm ready, and not care that I'm feeling annihilated.

But what I'm realizing now is that there is a great middle part of therapy where I build a strong core foundation of mature strengths, through my close relationship with my T. I tell my T over and over all my fears, resentments, and experiences with loving and losing, over her and others. I learn all kinds of things about myself, and change about many things I've assumed about my childhood and family. I'm also soaking in the love and care of the T, an essential experience I missed in childhood. The circuits in my brain are even filling in what was missing about relating and loving in a good way. This going on through months and years of sessions.

When I'v'e gotten a huge pile of that relationship with T and myself, I realize that it provides a sort of cushion for enduring her vacations or stressful times with her. When enough of the talk and feelings have been built, it just becomes natural to feel less needful of T. Instead of feeling empty, I'm feeling a core building inside me.
I know its impossible to imagine this in advance. And it's important not to jump ahead and imagine being without T before all the bulk of this middle work provides a buffer. It takes much effort to have faith in this. And therapy takes as long as it takes, whether a few years or many years.
It's true that someone can be so constantly worried about being terminated that nothing happens to build a full relationship with T + self, and sometimes causes so much disruption that staying stuck in paranoia sabotages therapy. Some books say we need to grieve loss of our T, but some of us start that grieving before we even have a good experience with our therapist. We jump ahead. If a time to grieve over T does come, it shouldn't be the same raw grief that happened way back in infancy. There's a big difference between infant grief that's annihilation, and mature grief that's do-able and has a lot of good padding under it. But it isn't possible to know that when jumping way ahead of where you are in therapy.

So, it helps me to just focus on working with T and try not to think of how it will "end". I love the phrase someone has on the forum that goes like this: "If you're worried about the end of therapy, then it isn't time to end." Ending shouldn't be something the T does to you. Instead, it should be your own gradual idea to do some other things with some of the time or money, just because you feel less need of T. At least, this is the modern approach about the course of therapy. And another thing: By the time you've built strengths with T, you feel confident to speak up to her or him and negotiate what you need as an equal human being, and that right there takes the edge off fear of what T might do.

I'm definitely jumping way ahead and no where ending with T. I'm always expecting the worse and trying to stay one step ahead. It would probably feel better to focus on the support I have from T and the work i'm doing instead of the end.

Originally Posted by Sizzling

I am with you Puzzle bug. I was naïve and had no idea I should not trust my T. I was duped by the mask of someone who said they cared but really didn't. I lost years of my life agonizing over how someone I trusted would turn on me. I don't understand any of it. No one is helping me figure this out. I don't mean people here on PC, I mean people in RL who know me. My T for one. He could have helped me but chose not to. I don't know what he was thinking turning against me but he did. I can't deal with it. Sorry. I am sad and angry.

Unfortunately I have learned that many of them are extremely narcissistic and don't really care about their clients or the effect they have on their lives. Many of them have HUGE egos and love to be stroked by their poor clients. It's disgusting.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I think it probably could end naturally with little to no pain, but let's face it - therapy is a risk. There's the risk that the T moves away (like mine did) or that they terminate unexpectedly (like my ex-T did years ago)...or maybe you have to move away. Who knows? That's what makes it risky. And I think its when the transference is involved that it gets super painful.

I have a new T now and I can take or leave her. There is absolutely no transference whatsoever (THANK GOD!). But with my last T I was in it deep....man, it hurt going to therapy and it really hurt when he told me he was moving. He told me he would be there for the long haul but 2+ years wasn't long enough. And there's no way to know how long it will take for you to come to a natural ending...so you have to hope life doesn't get in the way or worst case scenario - your T ends up being one of those unethical Ts we've all at least heard about here (it does happen).

So I think the question is: is it worth the risk? I believe everyone has to make that decision for themselves. I have mixed feelings.

It is risky and i wish they would tell you that at the beginning and go over what could happen so you'd have a warning. It might not make much difference, but I wish I had known more and educated myself more from the beginning. But I think most of the blame lies with the therapist.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I think it probably could end naturally with little to no pain, but let's face it - therapy is a risk. There's the risk that the T moves away (like mine did) or that they terminate unexpectedly (like my ex-T did years ago)...or maybe you have to move away. Who knows? That's what makes it risky. And I think its when the transference is involved that it gets super painful.

I have a new T now and I can take or leave her. There is absolutely no transference whatsoever (THANK GOD!). But with my last T I was in it deep....man, it hurt going to therapy and it really hurt when he told me he was moving. He told me he would be there for the long haul but 2+ years wasn't long enough. And there's no way to know how long it will take for you to come to a natural ending...so you have to hope life doesn't get in the way or worst case scenario - your T ends up being one of those unethical Ts we've all at least heard about here (it does happen).

So I think the question is: is it worth the risk? I believe everyone has to make that decision for themselves. I have mixed feelings.

Same here. Some days seem like its worth the risk other days I find myself thikign that i've had enough hurt and dont want to risk anymore. I know i'm going to be in therapy a long time and I feel like my T is going to get tired of me. Its not his main job and most of his clients are very short term.