Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I thought about you all day long.

Damn it.

Ouch! That's how it was with Madame T.

Dear T

I have session in an hour. I'm not looking forward to it.

Breadfish

I can't tell if you're trying to get rid of me or not

Well, T, we meet today. What will we talk about? I've been pretty low lately but I can't explain why, or what it feels like, or put words to it. It just is.
So, sounds like this oughta be fun, huh?

Sorry for my lackluster show yesterday. I know you're trying to provide a safe space for me to have my own emotions but this is a new thing for me.
I can't imagine why you would have any interest whatsoever in my repetitive crap after what you must see and deal with all day.

Dear T

I'm embarassed. Yes, I really burst out crying because you moved your hand too close to my face.
And I feel bad for making you feel bad about it.

Breadfish

Yes T that's what it is I am angry. Angry at what the therapeutic relationship is, and probably also because of what it isn't. I suppose we should talk about this.

When you said you'd really miss me and the look in your eyes when you said it helped lessen that want but it's still in my head

I wish I could trust....I'm a bit mad at you but I know why you said what you said and I respect that

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I am scared.

T

i feel scared of you

me

Dear MC,
Thanks for today's session. In the beginning, it seemed you were going the route of "don't worry if your daughter's on the autism spectrum--lots of people with autism have gone on to do great things and have happy lives." And I was thinking, "OK, that's not what I need right now." But I think you realized that. Because you switched to focus on understanding and validating my fears, then using analogies, including personal ones (and sports, of course), to provide encouragement in a way that I could accept.

You'd sort of hinted at it before, but today you actually came out and said you have an anxiety disorder, saying you've had to work to overcome and deal with that (just as my daughter could do with some of her issues). I'd suspected that you had anxiety, too, and that helps explain why you seem to understand me so well--because you've been there.

And thanks for what you said right before we got up to leave, where you said that even though the focus was on reassuring me that things would be OK with my daughter, you wanted to make sure I knew my fears and concerns were valid and that any parent has fears and worries about their child, no matter the situation. (You worded it better than that.) It made me tear up because I just felt really understood in that moment. And hugged from across the room. So, thanks for being awesome.

I wonder why it took me over 4 years to feel this anger?

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I know what started this anger, t. Seeing one particular object on your sand tray shelves. It was a glaring reminder to me of exactly why i hate it that i love you. Manufactured ******** caring within a time- dileniated box. I can't spell n i don't care. I am angry and i hope i can tell you that i am.

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t,

eVERYTHING IS FALliNG APArT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...me...again.

Well honestly I didn't remotely dare hoping for such a session. I haven't for a long time I guess.
I thought you would refer me. I was wrong again. Thank you for coming back to listen to me.

You did not need to go to the University to learn how to manipulate people. Children are the best teachers for that.

Good one!

I don't want to say goodbye.

T

You have close friends of decades. You love them,they love you. I wish I had that.

Today's session was really great and credit to your insightfulness for our making the link between my sudden fear of being rejected by you and the change in our session time. I think it was a good observation.
The question you asked at the end was a big one(bigger than you realised I think), and I'm proud of myself for recognising I wouldn't be able to address it with a couple of minutes to go and I told you so. I will think about it this week and we'll talk about it next session.

I miss you. That is all.

oh my gawwwwwwwwwwddddddddd, t. omg. nervous wrek.

me

t i am fighting so hard the urge to text you and cancel tomorrow's appointment. i don't want to cancel but i don't want to come and talk about this anger either. maybe i will come and hand you a note that says i lost my voice ha ha and can i just do a sand tray?! and i will make an island out of the sand and put that object in the middle of the island. Yeah, that's what i could do instead of talk. i feel sure you would get it.

But no. I will come and I will talk it out.