Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear previous T,

Do you ever think about me and wonder how I'm doing? Do you ever think about what you did and feel bad or that you made a mistake? Are you sorry you hurt me so much? It took me over a year to stop crying over your abandonment. But the sting still comes back now and again. It's now 4 years later, I'm still working on the damage you did. But, I am doing better than ever before. I wish I could give you more credit for that since I worked with you for 5 years, but ultimately, the damage and pain was not worth the growth I experienced. You washed it all away in one horribly cold email and an even colder 5 minute phone conversation. I never did anything to you except love and respect you. I never said a harsh word or crossed your boundaries. I never violated your privacy. The worst thing I did was depend on you too much for your liking. But instead of working through that with me, you just cut me out of your life.

Well, the main reason the elephant got named is when I was having strong transference issues with MC, I met with him once for an individual session. He seemed to imply that we could have another to continue addressing some issues, but then when H and I met with him again (H knew what was up), MC seemed very reluctant. So I left him a sobbing message on his voice mail, then that night snuggled with the elephant listening to sad music, not sleeping much.

He ended up calling the next day and apologizing, then he scheduled another session for me. During that session, I told him about the elephant thing (NOT the phallic part!), and he said, somewhat jokingly, "The elephant was me, right?" I made a joke about how it couldn't be one of my daughter's stuffed giraffes, because he's short (which he often jokes about). But I do recall thinking the comment was a bit...odd. (This was like a year ago.) So then the elephant got his name.

Dear ex t

I told you I wanted the call to end this thing the right way. It didn't matter to you how it ended but it was everything to me. Why couldn't you give me that instead of calling me a name and blaming me.

Exactly! My T once said about my depression relating to Eeyore, goes "Even Eeyore has happy days! Those are the days he (she?) puts on a pink ribbon. Eeyore doesn't always wear a ribbon."

I have an Eeyore as well! It doesn't have a name, but it's one of my dearest possessions because my best friend gave it to me.

T,

Not looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. What you said last session hurt. Not sure how to go on from here.

Breadfish

I slept with Eeyore throughout my childhood He was an incredible comfort - I miss him

i sleep with a stuffed animal moose my T gave me.

t,

hope that guy isnt gonna be there today. if he is i'll prob just hide out in the cash office.
see you tomorrow to tell you all about it!!!!!!!!!
me

Dear T
I don't know if it's cos I'm a bit poorly, or last session stirred up stuff, or if work issues are a bit close to home...
Anyway, I am failing. I feel like lying down and crying. I am horrible, sorry for myself, lazy, hopeless. I need to be growing p and growing stronger but I can't do it this week. I'm sorry. Sometimes the past feels like it's not even relevant and sometimes, like now, I feel like it's burying me alive, and I am the only one who feels like this. Ugh, I hate how whingy I sound. I'm sorry. Again.

Dear MC,
Today was a fairly laid-back session, touched on a few big topics, but no huge emotions or breakthroughs or anything. Yet at one random moment, I think while H was talking, our eyes met, and there was just something in that moment where I felt so connected to you and understood. Not sure if you sensed it too. It's amazing to me what you can express with a look or your tone of voice, the effect that can have on me. Sometimes I feel like I could just come in and we could sit and look at each other for a few minutes, and that could have the same effect of 45-50 minutes of talking... (Maybe the usual handshake, too.)

T,

Maybe it's better if I just quit. I actually just want to call your office and say that I quit. Which is weird because I'm so hurt that you're going to leave me in 2 months. It must be my anger. You're going to just leave me, after everything that has been said. When I'm angry I want to do stupid things. But I also don't want to lose you before I'm ready. I want to hang on to you as long as possible. But maybe that's also not good. I don't know what would be good for me. I don't want a new T. The new one can be like the other T's I don't want more bad experiences with T. But this with you hurts me too.

I'm such a mess. I'm having anxiety attacks throughout the day. I've trouble sleeping. I don't know what to do. I've nobody to talk to. You don't care about me. Not really. I'm just work. I know I'm just works. But I've had hoped that after so long you would care a bit, that I would mean a little bit more to you than your other clients. But I'm not. I'm nothing. I'm only 45 minutes a week. I'm nothing.

The psychiatrist you sent me to was a lot easier to talk to.

I Dont Want To Talk About What We Were Talking About

I'm having another one of those weeks where I really really want you close to me:/

Dear T,

So I found a Vicodin under the piano three hours ago. What can I say? At least I didn’t snort it.

I’ll never forget that look you gave me when I casually mentioned snorting prescription drugs. It was the same look you gave me when I talked about spending my sweet sixteen coked out and told you that story about how I took LSD instead of going to my senior prom. I don’t know why I always get such a Pollyannish “Oh!” from you when I talk about these things. Don’t you counsel heroin addicts all day?

Or do you just keep forgetting we’re in the ghetto because we both have decent vocabularies and Dickens-novel surnames?

Maybe it’s my lack of regret that unsettles you. Should I be telling you how badly I wish I could go back and slap that first bubble out of my own hand? Give my teenaged self a stern talking-to? Ask what Daren the D.A.R.E. lion would say?

Is that what you would have said, had I wandered into your office ten years ago? Probably you would have. You’d have been fresh out of grad school. And Lord, T, if you trip over your words now, you must have tripped over your own bloody feet back then.

And me? Freshman Argo would have laughed in your face. I almost miss that spunky bad-decision girl. You know how it is when you’re fifteen; age is for the old and illness for the sick. You don’t understand when you’re that young how much time there is left before the world ends.

Maybe you just can’t understand why I’m so complacent with my microscopic baby-steps.

I think you would, if you’d lived my experiences. Maybe I’ve got you pegged all wrong, but I never was under the impression you’ve personally mopped up midnight nosebleeds or woken up tangled in sticky, unfamiliar sheets.

What was your name again? Have you seen my phone? The ACT was when?

I’m not saying you’re too square to get it, old man. I’m glad you have your **** together.

All I’m saying is at least I didn’t snort it. I swallowed it with a mid-range Riesling.

And yes, T, that’s progress.

come tomorrow it will be 4days..I have nearly made it

I'm so nervous about seeing you later

Last week was- God, I don't even know. It was huge. I'm scared you're mad at me, or feel bad. And I'm intrigued to know what H said- You got that one spot on... Thank you for being so intuitive- That put right a lot of wrong!

Also- just a heads up... Everything has changed. I mean- everything! You'll need to get more .... Acknowledgy .... for the full story though

You did it on purpose, it wasn't "innocent". You chose to do that to see my reaction. It triggered me - what else did you think it would do? Can I still trust you after this? I can't even talk to you about this and I talk to you about everything.

T,

You accidentally let our time run over cuz u were talking about Always Sunny. Haha.... you're funny when u start talking about that show CUz you get excited and can't stop. hope your next client wasn't too mad!! See ya thursday.

Me

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T,
I am already SO sad that the likelihood is high that we won't have our session on Saturday due to this stupid snowstorm that is coming. First time ever I've been non-excited for a snowstorm, all because I want to see you. Especially coming off the heels of a missed session due to you running over with your previous client. This sucks, T.

Dear T
Me again
I need to tell you....

*trigger*

That I cut again last night. I'd been doing so well. I don't understand why it happens, - I felt so good, on top of everything, positive...now I'm a mess. I also feel I should tell you the horrible, disgusting places my mind and my ipad go to at times like this....but I can't.

OMG I love this show

Haha... my t is obsessed with it

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Dear T,
I know I just saw you yesterday, but I really miss you. Saturday feels really far away. I'm kinda nervous to see you then, but at the same time I'm really looking forward to seeing you. I dream about you kinda often, and I like it, but I think it makes me miss you even more. I just wanna be with you all the time!