Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

JunkDNA,

I'm so sorry.
it is sad..it makes me angry...and it is something else we have in common.
Pre

If I wanted the entire town to know my personal traumas, I would have gotten a bullhorn and blasted it down every street.

Turns out talking to you was just as good.

Feeling a sadness that I can't understand. Just a sinking feeling inside. Not sure why. For the first time in ages I'm thinking about emailing T1, just looking for something to fill whatever's lacking I suppose. I probably won't, but I won't contact you either. I'll just ride this out.

((Precaryous))

One of the sad things about being on the spectrum is that it makes us easy targets for bullies.

However, that's not the same thing as being unlikable. Close friends remember us as very loyal.

T,
I can't believe how honest I was with you in writing that e-mail after our session today. I've never really let my last T's know the depth of fear I have with accepting help. I know we need to talk more in detail about what I wrote, but what if you tell me that maybe it could be true that I am fake? I am just making myself seem depressed just to be able to accept I need help, which is COMPLETELY LAME. I know you'd say that in itself is a problem, but eff that, T!

You said that all humans need help, and no one is expected to pick up the broken pieces by themselves, but what you missed (maybe), is that what if I am NOT broken! What if this is just me! Get over yourself! Ugh, I am sick of telling myself that, nad telling you that over and over. Please don't get sick of me.

I really, really like you, and hope that the tiny lifeline that you threw me today will be strong enough to hold all the rage that hates it.

I keep reminding myself that you'll be back from your trip on Wednesday and I'll see you Thursday.. But I really just wish I could text you so you could reassure me again. But it's late, and it's Saturday, and that would feel too needy to me. I miss you, but I'm trying to journal like you suggested. It really does help.

I think it's your birthday today, but I'm not too sure. Have nice day anyway.

I'm on my journey on the other side of the world. I felt alive again. After so long. I met extraordinary, loving, amazing people. I tried to get the best out of it. I turned into a better person. I'm more quiet about my failed relationship. I think I figured out when is gonna finish. I'm coming back soon. See? I told you I would bring you with me. I'm glad you like the photos I send you. It's nice to talk about the things I see. I feel stronger. I forgot my meds for 5 days in a row and I'm good. I saw the ocean. I don't feel like hanging myself in my closet anymore for now. Time to come back home, I'll really need you now. I have to rebuild my life and I know you'll be there for me. You always have, even from another continent.
Thank you.

You're more important to me than I'll ever admit to your face. I try to play it cool when I see you, but you have no idea how much better you make my week.

T,

You hurt me beyond words. I already had abandonment issues and now this has made it worse.

No, I don't want to wait until Friday to talk to you. I don't have much choice though, do I? I don't want to email you. I hate that I can't make it 2 weeks at a time.
All the s*** at work that finally came out and the changes that I'm supposed to implement. Do I tell you in an email or wait? Or why even bother telling you at all since I did it without you anyway?
What about the feelings I get in my Sat. am meditation class? Some days I'm ok going and being with "those" people. Other days, like yesterday, I wanted to run away in the middle of class. I don't belong with "them". I'm an outcast idiot loser. I wanted to runaway crying and never go back again. I stayed anyway because I know it's all in my head. No one did anything or said anything. It just is a feeling I get and I can't shake it. Always happens on days when no one will sit next to me. I must give off "loser idiot" vibes. You can't fix that can you? Thought not.

Happy birthday T! Still deciding whether or not to email you a happy birthday.

I'm glad that you have good friends to celebrate with and be happy with, but at the same time, of course I am jealous of what you have with them and wishing that I could be one of them.

You had no right to ruin MY LIFE and walk away without a care. YOU HAD NO RIGHT!!!

You think so little of me as if MY career is meaningless and YOURS IS important. Yeah right. No one else is important but YOU and that YOUR NEEDS are satisfied. We all know what those needs are.

I just stopped a flashback

T1, I just looked you up on Facebook for the first time in a long time, and there's a new picture of you on there.
I looked at you and realised I don't feel anything for you any more. Do you wonder how I am now? Do you realise how painful it was for me to leave you?

T,
Working with and trying to manage hyper teenagers is difficult. Soooo irritated!!!

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Dear T,
I have a stuffed animal giraffe that I named after you. I refer to the giraffe as "he" even though he has a girl name. I sleep with him each night now, and I find it comforting that he has your name. Is that weird?

Dear uni therapist,

Last session you seemed to imply that you give "love" to everyone as you have an endless supply of it. Now, I don't believe there is such a thing as an "endless supply" of anything, but let's just pretend that there is. Does that mean that you tell all of your students and clients that you love them? Is saying "I love you" just a casual thing to you?

Because the word "love" is far from casual in my book. It really means something. It's not something I hear very often, nor do I say it lightly. In fact, for me it feels like a huge risk to tell someone I love them. So if you want to love everyone, that's fine. However, if "I love you" is something you just say to everyone, can you please stop saying it to me?

For me, "I love you" is supposed to be special. It's something you only say to someone when you really feel it. So when I see you this week I will try to find the courage I need to say it to you in person, because I really, really love you. But if you have no more love for me than you do for your annoying next-door neighbour, you really shouldn't say it back. If I'm just like everyone else, that's okay, but I would then like to be treated in a way that makes this clear, because right now I'm just terribly confused.

I know we're technically not supposed to respond to these, but I have a stuffed elephant that was my daughter's but that I claimed that I named after my marriage counselor. Its trunk is particularly, um, perky looking looking, so its full name is "[MC's first name] the phallic elephant." I snuggle with it sometimes when I sleep.

T,
WHy are you so nice to me!??! I can't believe I called you for something so silly today, and you called back within 10 minutes. But, it worked, and I went, and I must admit the thought of you having to listen to 800 small children sing Frozen did cheer me up a bit

LOL.

I sleep with an Eeyore, but it is not named after my T.

^^ I have an Eeyore as well. He's my favourite. And I haven't named him anything else, because his name is, you know… Eeyore.

Thank you for being there and for your powerful gift of touch. You mean more to me than you will ever know and you make me feel like I can do anything.

t,

so that dude asked me out to lunch. i said IDK ILL THINK ABOUT IT. EVEN THOUGH he said FEEL FREE TO SAY NO.... why didnt i just say NO?????? WHY do i sacrifice my comfort for other people's???? i felt bad... i didnt want him to feel bad. i HOPE he doesnt bring it up again. can i just be invisible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me

As well as being Pregnant I also have a painful tummy bug / food poisoning. I feel AWFUL! I really don't want to get up today. I wish we were meeting sooner, I'd ask to spend the whole hour sat quietly with my arm around you and just relax. Instead I have to go to work and present to be happy and chatty. I can't see this panning out for a full shift.