Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I know my marriage counselor has gotten texts before while we were in session. One he looked at (he just looks to see who it is in case of emergency) and was like, "I wish people would identify themselves--I don't know who this is." So when I eventually texted him, I sent the text, then immediately sent another saying, "This is LonesomeTonight, by the way" (and have done so for the handful of texts I've sent). I imagine some don't save numbers in their phone for confidentiality reasons, though if someone texted often, he'd probably recognize the number.

I don't think my T stores numbers in her phone either, so I identify myself when I text or call her on her cell. I figure if I don't need to do that, she'd probably say something like "I know who this is, you don't have to say."

I'd just ask your T, that way you'll know it's not something personal if he just doesn't save numbers in his phone.

Hehe... turns our my T double booked!! The man and his son were in the waiting room with me and my T looked surprised... he asked if I had a minute and I knew what happened. He took me in the hallway and grabbed his head and said I hate when I do this! I said it's OK I just hate you (I was kidding). We are gonna talk on the phone on saturday. We had this text exchange afterwards.

So here is my dear t

T,

It's totally ok and I'm not upset. You don't sucks at all. Don't feel bad!!! I am fine

Me

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Dear T
I feel like I've been run over after that session. And yeah, I do like to test you. But I guess the biggest test is yet to come. I can't imagine anyone would want to be in a room with me if they knew how disgusting I am. Even you.

I love the cat profile photos, haha.



Dear T,

You suck and are useless. Can't wait for my last session with you next Thursday.

Dear MC,
Could you maybe get back to us to reschedule for later next week? Because pretty sure we'll be snowed in Monday. H emailed you yesterday and called you today--so you know it's not just me looking for a connection. You know I adore you, but I really wish you were better about getting back to people. Especially when it's just a scheduling thing--like you either have an opening next Thursday or Friday, or you don't. So, um, please take a minute to get back to H--OK?

Hi T,

My session is in about 10 hours. I'm nervous. I've no idea how you will react. I've trouble sleeping. I've been having trouble with sleeping for the whole week. Everytime I lay down and close my eyes and try to go sleep, I start worrying. I'm worried about what I've to do without you as a T. It suck to be left by your T while you're in the middle of treatment. And when this is the only T you've ever trusted. You don't know how this feels. Maybe you can understand it, but you don't really know how it feels unless you've been through this kind of thing. I'm so jealous on you and your life. I don't know much about it, but from what I've seen of you around the office, you're an happy person. Positive. You must have a good life and you must like life.
You don't know how it is to be me. How terrible life is for me. I can try to explain it, but you won't really understand it because you see the world different from me.

In the end everybody will leave me. I should be used to it. I should be used to feeling lonely and worthless and everything. I mean, I have been feeling this for the past 10 years I think. But it still hurts. The pain doesn't go away.
There's actually only one thing that can be done to not feel anything anymore.

All you do is USE people for your own benefit. FRIENDS, CLIENTS, GIRLFRIENDS, you write and talk about them all BEHIND THEIR BACK. One day your heart will get broken. Hopefully, very soon. One day YOU WILL BE THE ONE CRYING!!

One thing is for sure. YOU WON'T HAVE TO ASK WHY BECAUSE YOU'LL ALREADY KNOW!!!

To be honest, this sounds like someone who is so up his own arse and unaware of reality that he most likely wouldn't know a genuine human feeling if it hit him on the head. He is probably a narcissist, and they tend to look for someone else to blame when something goes wrong because it certainly can't be their fault! This type of person is unlikely to possess even a shred of empathy because all they ever think about is themselves, and they think they have the right to because they are more important than other people. I am really sorry you have had to suffer because of what this person did to you.

T,
UGH. why has this week been so terrible, and now only to miss therapy because of a stupid snow storm!?!?!

I am really upset, and know I will not cope well this weekend. Cue all the alcohol and maybe the razor...I"m sorry, T. I hate this.

Dear T,

I hugged a hobo today.

No, let me back up a little bit. Do you ever find that you made bad decisions when you’re in a good mood? Because **** consequences—I’M FABULOUS!

Why, yes, I think I will have a pot brownie!

Only three low low payments of $19.95? Count me in!

Speed limit? More like SPEED SUGGESTION!

Have you ever noticed that there is something remarkably similar about Very Bad Ideas and Best Ideas Ever? As if they exist not so much on a linear spectrum as on a circular diagram. And more the idea swings to one extreme, the closer it comes ‘round to the other extreme?

Well, this is kind of like that.

Now that we’ve got the philosophical underpinnings in place, let me get to the specific story.

I pulled up at the liquor store and saw a hobo eating out of the trash can. Big deal, right? They’re hobos. That’s what they do.

Yeah, no.

Because how numb do we have to be to our own humanity to brush that off as an everyday occurrence? How monstrous have we become in our inability to stomach human suffering that we can walk by without making eye contact? How unbelievably ****ed up is it that we have to swallow our guilt with a boxed merlot?

That wasn’t going to happen today.

It was the strangest thing, because it wasn’t even a choice. I wasn’t paralyzed by intense shame or disgusted with society or desperately twisting my mind for a way to make this person’s misfortune his own damn fault. None of that usual **** happened.

What happened—and it was so weird, because I didn’t even decide for it to happen, I wasn’t moved by emotion, I was just sort of compelled by purpose—what happened was that I walked inside to the ATM, withdrew a $20, and gave it to him.

And that’s when he hugged me.

We are so lucky—so unbelievably ****ing blessed, T—with the privilege of even being here for this stupid, painful, too-short sojourn in the cosmos.

Because how would the universe regard itself if we weren’t here to be its eyes?

WOW. I LOVE this post and story. Thank you for that, from someone having a tough night.

Well it happened. It really happened. I cried in session today. I can't believe I cried. This scares me. I did not think being this vulnerable would feel so scary. It took so long to get the tears out. You did comfort me so well while I was with you and crying felt so safe with you. I still can't believe that you saw me cry. I feel so damaged.

Thanks for calling H back tonight. And for giving us a time on Thursday. Please be safe in the snow...

Dear T,
I'm so sick of messing with medicine and trying to find the right one. I haven't even been doing it for that long, but it sucks so much. I wish I could just see you an extra time instead of going to the psychiatrist. He gave me Cymbalta today. I'm sick of side effects and withdrawal symptoms and driving 30 minutes both ways to see my psychiatrist for 10 minutes. I feel crappy tonight. I can't wait to see you Saturday. <3

Dear T.

I wish you could expound on some of the things you said in session yesterday. What do you mean exactly? Why do you have to be so cryptic sometimes? Are you hoping I'm inferring your 'clues' correctly? I just feel really confused about a lot right now. I miss you.

EM

Dear uni therapist,

Why the fu%$&??!!!@*ck do you have to do this to me?!

Yesterday you offered for me to cuddle with one of the pillows on your couch for comfort. Have you been reading PC? I had stated on here that I wanted to cuddle with a pillow while I was in session. Its more comforting for me to hold your hands.

Well T, an unexpected snow day while fun, is crazy-making because i only have checked my e-mail 7,000 times today waiting for you to write back. AGGHHHHH. at least i know after 10 you won't wrote, so only 2.5 more hours to go!

hey t. i think i'm going to tell you tomorrow that i need to ask myself a question and answer it out loud while I'm sitting in your office. The question is "Why can't I leave you alone between sessions?" It's so annoying to me that I can't seem to - I made it this time all the way until yesterday. Meh. I need to leave you alone between sessions. You have never said this of course, this is all coming from me.

T.

I'm glad I can talk to you tomorrow even though I think you're not working cause you texted that you're available anytime. Wish we could play cards over the phone! Hehe. Have fun playing in the snow with your girls!!

ME

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T, I think I am struggling again with the wanting this relationship to be something that it isn't. I need to remember to be grateful for what it IS instead.

I am so looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

36 hours to go. I wish that you would be as excited as I am. It's like a mini-carnival is my head complete with fireworks....I am sooo wet.(as in pathetic not aroused, but even that could be arranged at your word)

Oh sparky you are a sweet man. If only I could tell you the embarrassing things going on in my head right now. I want you to know without having to tell you somehow.

I can't adult right now, but I need to get it together to go back to work on mon. Any thoughts?

T,

I never thought that you'd end up hurting me as much as I hurt right now.