Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

T,

I never thought that you'd end up hurting me as much as I hurt right now.

T,

Thank you for being willing to hug me even after I disclosed yuck.

Dear T,

Why does my mind persist in hoping we can one day become friends? I KNOW this is frowned upon.

Just Me

Deleted.....

T,

I'm thinking about yesterday and last week. You say a new therapist could be good for me (even if it's only for a few months). Maybe it could, but I don't agree and I don't want a new T, but I've no other choice. Are you just trying to convince me and yourself that this could actually be a good thing for me? Me, so I'll believe that and I won't dislike you for leaving me and I'll happily start with a new T. And you, so you won't feel guilty for leaving me in the middle of my treatment. If you ever feel anything that has to do with your clients. You seem to always listen good in my session and your a good T, but I don't know what you're really thinking and feeling. It's starting to make me doubt about things.

I feel sick in my stomach when I think about you leaving me and about starting with a new T. I'm feeling anxious and sad and I'm also angry. The anger comes when I think too long/much about you leaving. Yesterday I didn't talk about the anger because we didn't had time anymore. I feel so much anger right now. I'm angry that will leave me in the middle of my treatment. I don't care that you think this could also be good for me. A few months without you and with a new T, experiencing that there are more good T's for me and getting less dependent on you. When I started therapy again, I chose you as my T. I chose you to be my T until I'm ready to do it be myself. I thought it might take about 2 years. I didn't chose you so you could leave me halfway and I would need a different T for a few months. I DIDN'T CHOSE THAT!

Dear uni therapist,

I think I should make things easier for you, and just leave. Our relationship is so broken it feels like it's beyond repair. My heart is breaking, but I can't do this anymore.

Love this thought

T,

I am so sorry I wrote about one million emails this week, and talked to you today while you were having fun with a snow day with your kids. I'm sorry I am so sad, and I don't know why. I wish you weren't so nice to me, so I didn't feel like I could reach out to you. Maybe now you'll see the error of your ways and ask me to stop. I would understand.

I don't think about you every day like I did during the first week or so of your absence, but now I'm getting antsy again. Being away for this long has let me take inventory of (even more) issues/insecurities. I'm a never-ending pit of issues. Small issues compared to a lot of people, but damn, I'm over them coming up.

And honestly, I can't wait to see your face again. You are what I associate with calm after these last awful several months and I've missed that steadying presence. I'll probably never say that to your face, either.

I'd really like another hug.

/
What's the best way to repay someone for ruining your reputation, ruining friendships, ruining what little good was left in my life?

How could you do this to me???????????????????????????????????

Dear T,

Another post on here reminded me--I'd really like another hug from you, too. I wish I could have had one last week (especially because I might not see you this week due to snow), but I felt kind of awkward after some of the stuff I discussed at the end of the session, and didn't want to ask for fear of rejection. Maybe I should just e-mail you about it...or ask at the beginning of a session or something.

Hope I see you Tuesday, but I certainly put your safety (and ability to get out of your community) above my want/need to see you.

Dear T



Red xx

T, i screwed up, didn't i? i should NOT have called and e-mailed again last night. i'm such an idiot. i was just so damned sad and felt so, so awful. still, it was saturday and a snow day, and you had already talked to me. i'm an idiot, and do not blame you for not calling or e-mailing me today. now i am scared to go to our sesion next week, because i am sure we'll have to talk about excessive contact. IDIOT, always.

Thank you. For so much.

as each hour passes, i am convinced you hate me. if i dont hear back from you by 10 tonight, i guess its true because you don't want me to come in tomorrow. i'm sorry, t. i am an idiot!

Ah, T, this transition to monthly has been hard! I can’t even journal about it privately—because what legitimacy have my struggles unless internet strangers validate them?

Haha!

It’s not as though I really have anything to talk to you about. I don’t miss that awkward staring at you; that trying to think of something intelligent to say. But I miss the weekly decompression, the reasonless laughter, the impersonal affection with which you regard me.

I keep scratching at old scabs and checking the moldy corners of my psyche just to see if anything hurts, but it doesn’t. It’s the most bizarre thing in the world, not feeling unhappy. I’d gotten so bloody used to it I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t even know why I’m not miserable, because it’s not as though anything in my life has objectively improved or anything like that. I just feel good for once.

What do I even talk to you about, when I finally do see you? I have so many questions—What do you think it is that makes people unhappy? What makes them likeable? Is every person’s inner mental life roughly comparable to another’s, or are we wildly incomprehensible to one another? At what point does it become wrong to safeguard your own happiness? Do you think the nightshade will grow back if I roto-till?

Remember that time I told you I wanted to know everything?

I still do.

Why didn't you take the photo why did you let me sit with it. I don't think letting me sit in a panic was productive. Why was there pain in my shoulder? I have never had a pain in my shoulder before.

T,

Thank you for giving me extra time if I need it.

Thank you for not cutting me off when I said something triggered a memory even though we only had about 20 minutes left.

Thank you for saying that what happened in the memory wasn't my fault, and that I did not deserve what happened.

Thank you again for still being willing to hug me, even after I disclosed that yuck memory. For saying "Yes" and also showing with your body language that you're willing.

Thank you for still being willing to read letters - I feared you were growing resentful of them. Thanks for saying it is my critical voice telling me that you find my letters stupid and needy. For reminding me to look at the objective evidence of your behavior.

Thank you for being my T.

I want to do a sand tray next time okay? And can I please give you a hug? This t relationship has meant to much to me. Thank you so much for knowing how to handle it so skillfully.

I think I need inpatient. Please, just tell me to go in, please.
Take the decision out of my hands

I'm sorry. I'm inside my head way too much. I feel like I keep finding boxes in the back of my closet and I open them up "oh, what's in here?" Then sh$t pops out and I get scared.

I think about you all the time

Well, I am glad I went today just to find out you don't hate me, so that is good, but something felt off the whole session, and i'm not sure what it is. I hope I can figure it out before I see you again.

Of all the things to blow off, of all the things to not get, why THIS???? I needed you to be happy and proud and excited