Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear T

I hate the holidays. I hate new years eve. My ashole brother is in the yard with some junks. My room is at the side of the yard, so I hear them. I want to sleep. I want to be sleeping when it turns 12 o'clock. It's better for me. The last few years new years eve was horrible for me. It's better for me to be asleep.
Why can't I get drunk?

I wonder what you are doing. Are you with people. Or are you just at home with your boyfriend and daughter.

I wonder what pdoc is doing. With who he is.

I'm alone. My parents are downstairs. Being with them wouldn't make things better.
I feel lonely. My life sucks. I can't get my life on track. I'm doomed.


I should have go to my aunt. I should have go yesterday and not have planned the trip for next month. I've should have gone yesterday.

Dear pdoc

I wish I could be with you tonight...

((QuertyKeyboard))
Maybe T was waiting for you to learn that?

I'm full of friends and I just can't wait it to finish. One exact year ago I was celebrating with the person I loved and will still love for a long time. My life sucks, yours is perfect and full of love. I feel so stupid and frustrated. Happy new year T.

Dear as-yet-unmet No. 3,

You'd better be good. Because I'm in a state where I need good.

ATAT

Yes t that is definitely it - you looked different yesterday. I plan to tell you that next time so we can talk about it.

I hate the way you say "It's ONLY 4 weeks" or "It's ONLY 3 weeks" when we have a break. Don't you know how exquisitely painfully long that is???

also did you know that when I say something and laugh insanely that the topic is a really painful don't-touch-this-with-barge-pole topic?

Dear T,

Yes. Thank you.

if it's not, then why does it feel like it IS????!

After you said that one thing, that I know is true but still it feels like the opposite, now yesterday after we scheduled for a Saturday (because of my overtime I thought at first but then you said you are no longer available at my normal day/time anymore?) THEN you said "I hope I don't forget" about my upcoming Saturday appt. I still can't get that out of my head. You have NEVER in 4 years forgotten one of my appointments. Why would you now all of a sudden?! I wasn't taking it personally at first because part of me figured (and still figures) it likely has more to do with you taking on that board of directors thing, but another part of me feels... not so good about it. Like you're trying to get rid of me. Maybe you should by now, I don't know. Yeah I did some really good work after we talked, and it felt really good when you acknowledged that after I sent it to you. We def need to talk about all of this. I know next time I'm supposed to read to you what I write about my psychology as compared to the stuff I'm researching about the psychology of Wuthering Heights, but I want to talk about this other stuff too. Maybe I'll learn something about how I feel right now, as I do that writing, I'm still reading essays and the book before I start my writing, but maybe.... maybe.... maybe I'll find my own answers as I write.

What if I figure out that I am done with this formal therapy stuff? What then? I already admitted to you yesterday that what brings me there lately is this relationship. And that bothers me. It feels like a wrong use of your time and my money. Because so much of my work I do between sessions. Hell, most of my work I do between sessions. And then we talk about it. And you ask me more really good questions that get me working on my own all over again.

You know what I honestly want to do right now, I want to write all of this into a letter and email it to you and instead of having the next appt I'll just drop you off a check to pay you for the time it would take you to read the email. Lord have mercy this is the most convoluted damn relationship I've ever experienced in my entire 53 years on this planet. And I think that is how the letter would start out.

Last night was really bad. I called and left a vm even though I know you won't get it until you get back and I'm your first appt back so it's useless, I just needed to hear your voice and get the pain out somewhere. I wrote in my journal too; I hope I'm brave enough to share it with you.

Dear T,
I almost did something really bad tonight, but I didn't. I think part of the reason I didn't is because I get to see you Monday, and I really didn't want to miss that.

I know I should tell you about the voices and I know you occasionally aski about them but I can't, i really can't and I am sorry. They are starting to bother me more so maybe I will.

dear t, thanks for checking in.

Dear Therapist,

I hope the new year brings to you as much as you brought to me for the last 3 years.

Torntwopcs

t,

be gentle with me tomorrow..plz..

me

T I had quite a dream about you last night. I'm very much looking forward to discussing it with you, I really want your input. It was one of those dreams that felt like it went on and on and has so many details. It took me 2 front and back pages in my notebook to write it all out.

Oh, and btw, being seen so absolutely like the way you see me, is feeling a little uncomfortable lately. I felt absolutely exposed down to the very core of the rawest part of my soul the other day for some reason. I have never felt so vulnerable and exposed before in my life. It was a little scary trusting you with that much of me. I don't know what in the world prompted me to do that. I still feel more than a little stupid over it.

Dear T,

I still need you! What will I ever do without you ( someday).

Just Me

t,

dreading coming to see you today. wish i could fast forward thru all of this. im scared of you right now

me

I did as you said. Its all outside and awkward to get to now. Its scary. I feel lost.

Last night was the first time I had a dream about you. It was nice to see you in my dream but I think that email I sent you is bothering me more than I thought if I am dreaming about this situation.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

t,

im glad i came to see you today. i was super exhausted afterwards. i think talking about what happened to me with my former T in group... and then meeting with u after... it was a lot. thank you for being kind and gentle... see you on tuesday

me

dear t: I went back to my shamanic group today finally. it was really really good to be back with them again, my spiritual family, and I had my deepest journey yet, aware of nothing but healing light surrounding me I was 'gone' for a bit in a good way, until I heard the callback. That was pretty awesome, t.

T, I was pretty pissed that you didn't read the clock properly or realize so much time had passed. I am mostly over it though. The e-mail you sent me helped, even after you called and apologized. Thank you for that. But, I am sad I missed the appointment, especially since we didn't have a session last week. Oh well.