Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

You had no right to abuse me, exploit me or humiliate and embarrass me in front of the entire town. The ENTIRE TOWN!!!

I did nothing wrong!! I am not a criminal!! I did nothing wrong and I did not steal from someone else's life!!

You took advantage and used me without any remorse. Without any apologies for what you did to MY LIFE!! You should know how I feel but you have no clue!! EITHER OF YOU!! Despicable is what you are.

Now YOU want to keep what YOU DID TO ME A SECRET??? Really??? You think I'm going to settle for that???? You had me searched without a warrant and without a legal reason to do so!! The ENTIRE TOWN STOOD BY AND WATCHED!!!

The GOSSIP was better than their SOAP OPERA's . THEY LOVED watching me be exploited!!

I'm surprised it did not make the local news.

Dear T,

You know my history with attachment and abandonment by my former therapist. I have fought becoming attached to you for so long, and you've told me that whatever happens we will work through it. I don't know how to tell you that I think about you and miss you more than I want to. It keeps getting worse and worse, and I hate it. I'm afraid to tell you because I don't want you to think it's about sex when it really isn't. It's just about wishing I could talk to you more than once a week for an hour. I know I can e-mail you and you've even told me I can text you if I needed to, but I'm afraid of that. I don't want to be attached to you, but every time I tell you about my shame and past mistakes and you respond with so much understanding, it makes it hard not to want that more than once a week. I'm afraid to see you on Monday because I'm afraid it will hurt when I have to leave.

Dear T,

You said you were coming back Saturday and you would email me to say you were home. You're probably busy so I assume I'll hear from you later or tomorrow. I feel safer knowing you're most likely back in this country now. I need to talk about how your going away with that guy affected me. You said we'd discuss my emails in the session. But what if you didn't have a good time? I guess that's irrelevant to my feelings. I DO hope, for your sake, you enjoyed it, and that you're still with him. That's my adult part. The child part is protesting. Please let's do IFS Tuesday! And please email me soon! I kept my promise to myself that I would not email you at all for the 2 weeks, except for the one right after my session. So I'm proud of myself for that.

Love,
Rainbow

T, can't you stray your contact from my eyes to my breasts?

I needed to call you Thursday night. But I didn't know if you would have known what to do with the fear I was feeling. I will ask you in our next session.

Dear T,
I'm so glad you're back from vacation and I get to see you tomorrow. You also said we could talk on the phone tonight, so I hope you remember to call me. You always have remembered, but I'm just a little worried you might not since you just got back and you're probably jet lagged and stuff. I'm really looking forward to talking to you though. I hope you're not disappointed in me for self harming a couple of times when you were gone. I know I said I wouldn't, and I tried not to at first, but then I just wanted to do it. Don't be upset, okay? I hope you had a great vacation, and I hope you don't go on another one for a really long time.

Dear uni therapist,

I'm a bit upset that I booked my return flight for Thursday so I could come to our session on Friday, when you won't even come in on Friday. I could have stayed home over the weekend as well, had you told me that a bit sooner. Alternatively, I could have booked a Wednesday flight instead, if I had known you were only coming in on Thursday this week. Now I have to wait another week to see you, and I really need to talk to you. I want to be done with this upcoming session as soon as possible, as I'm really dreading it.

Hey t, I just realized something. Our relationship is changing again, isn't it? I felt it last week, and at first of course negatively interpreted what I felt as something being off or wrong. But I don't think that's it at all anymore. It's just, changing again, is all. Because I am constantly changing and growing. And you are too, because you still do your own work of course.

And that's okay, that our relationship changes from time to time. Let's talk about this next time okay?

MC,
OK, I guess you probably won't respond to my e-mail me over the weekend like you said you would. I know you are/were sick, and of course your health takes priority over my e-mail. It's just that...if you do end up coming in tomorrow, I'd like to know if you've at least read my e-mail. And I hope you come in tomorrow, because that means you're feeling better. (But then maybe you gave it to your wife and/or kids and would have to take care of them instead of coming to work.) OK, I just want to be able to keep our appointment tomorrow because I miss you. It's OK if you don't respond to the e-mail before then. Just want to see you. And talk to you.

Thank you for responding to my email. I wasn't expecting it and you didn't need to, but it was a very kind gesture. It felt good to be acknowledged.

Thank you so much for your email today. I feel so much better about this situation. I can see how much you care in your words.

t,

did i say too much in group? some of them acted so shocked and one said she was angry bc she cares abt me. u asked me how that made me feel - that she cares about me. you said, embarrassed?? UMM YESSSSSSSSSSS but all i said to you was "can u just ,like, stop talking to me right now?" and of course you smiled and said yes.... now i feel weird about going to the next group. now they know my dirty shameful secret about former T.... only you knew that. now these other women do too. WTF!!!!

ur prob sleeping right now and i should be too. good night.

me

T,

I'm scared of facing you on Friday.

I needed you to rescue me 20 years ago, and I am still waiting frozen in time (and I know no one is coming, no one can rescue me but me, I know). Thank you for being the only person to see to see that I need someone's love to melt me out of this ice prison. Thanks for not making our relationship cold like my others, I need our hugs. I just wish there was some way to make this less painful. Thanks for having some minimal contact with me out of sessions, I need that, like seriously need it at times to not feel completely out of control. I need you so much, I love you so much, that it physically hurts. Therapy is dangerous for people like me. When you talk about your family I cant help but feel, deep in my being, that you belong in mine. I just hate this world.

Dear T,

I can't say anything about this without looking like I'm malingering. It's our last weekly session, and we're supposed to reflect and wrap-up. The timing is suspect. It's going to look like I'm trying to wheedle more sessions out of you. I'm not. I feel pretty good, actually.

It's just that I've begun to hallucinate.

I know! That sounds ridiculous. Nobody believes me. I wouldn't believe me. It's nothing bad--not voices or commands or anything like that. Just LSD-reminiscent visuals and...horn music. French horn, I think.

That sounds much worse written out like that. I'm sure it's nothing. Probably stress-related.

(PS: If anyone has any insight or advice here, I sure wouldn't say 'no' to a PM.)

Less than 40 hours till I see you. What are you going to say when I tell you what I need to? I already feel bad enough, please don't make me feel any worse.

Dear T,

You told me to get help from an additional T after you realized how bad I was doing last year. I quit. The only reason I'm hanging on is because of the medicine my doctor prescribes me. It changes me. It makes me unable to think. I'm just a robot doing my job. You think I'm better. I know that I'm worse, I only don't seem to care anymore.

I miss you so. much.

I hate it.

I furiously check my email every day within that hour that you answer emails.

Why would you bad mouth me behind my back? I expected it from some people but not from you. I never expected it from you.

i loved today's session. we laughed so much with that sort of alarm that we broke accidentally, trying to repair it cause it's not yours, lol.
Oh T, thanks for all the times you've been there for me, especially in these latest months when you weren't even officially working. I don't feel like leaving anymore. And it was kind of you to tell me to please text or email you while away to make you not worry. So sweet of you.
May I stay in therapy forever? it will be just a chat once in a while when your job is done.. please. I've lost my teacher, I don't wanna lose you too. It took me 15 years to recover from that. And I'm still not completely done.

Dear T,
I'm kind of freaked out by what I told you today, both in session and in the e-mail after. Like I said in the e-mail, you're probably the only person I've told about this. And I'm really glad you responded saying you got the e-mail and that you'd read it more closely later when you had time. But I'm still freaking out. I hope you respond more tomorrow. I hope you don't think I'm a total weirdo now (I'm sure you probably already thought I was a bit of one!). Or disgusting. Or that there's something pathologically wrong with me (besides the OCD, anxiety, and depression, that is). I guess I'm just looking for reassurance...

Thank you for texting me warning you were ill.
Thank you for seeing me anyway.
Thank you for understanding my predicament.
Thank you for being someone I can trust.

t,

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

me

I just left your office. I'm still in the parking garage. I want to go back in and say everything I didn't say today. But I have to wait for two weeks to see you again. I wish I didn't need you so much recently but I don't have anyone else. Maybe that sounds dramatic. But right now you're the one who really listens to me and doesn't try to automatically "fix" me, like everyone else does.