Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

So much of me rides on whether or not you think I'm worthwhile as a person.

You're doing my head in.

Dear uni therapist,

I am seeing you in three and a half hours. As always, I am thinking about all the things I would love to be able to say to you but probably never will. I wonder if you're going to ask me if you can hug me again; maybe I'll let you this time. It's so scary, though. The idea of being hugged by you really scares me. I know you think I need it, and I probably do, but I can barely cope with your words at the moment, and the way you look at me when you say them. I'm worried that if you lay so much as a finger on me I'll cry, and I don't want to cry in front of you, or really anybody. But especially not you.

You wrote in response to my email saying that it's nice to be appreciated. Do you think "appreciation" is an adequate word for how I feel about you? If I told you the truth, would you want to hear it?

Dear T

I feel ok. Not good, but also not bad. I was even thinking that maybe I can do it. Maybe I can go back to school and maybe I can have a life. Maybe I can get better. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe I've found the right AD's for me. Or maybe this is another short period in which I feel a little bit better, but in a few days/weeks I'll feel bad again. I don't know.
But feeling this way, feeling ok-ish, it scares me. It scares me so much.

Dear T,
I see you tomorrow, and I am SO relieved that my land lady doesn't know what happened Monday night. The anxiety of the past few days had been rough. I am also scared about talking more about my possible addiction. I'm sorry, but I just can't agree with that right now. Drinking is a concern for sure, and I even hid my bourbon bottle this week because I am so ashamed and disgusted about what happened Monday.

But, I hope that even if I don't agree, that you won't stop seeing me. I also hope this doesn't completely take over the session tomorrow because I really do want to talk about the thing I actually did last week that was a POSITIVE! This rarely happens!

Thank you for being okay with me challenging you. For being happy for me for discovering insights on myself from it and letting me be impressed with myself for not agreeing with you just because you're my therapist. And especially for suggesting that I also direct this new found challenging ability to the toxic relationships in my life. Thank you for once again being safe. Never stop telling me that I can draw those lines, that I can say "no" to take care of myself. I need to keep hearing those things because hopefully one day I will.

I'm starting to think that this is what a lot of therapy is all about--Discovering the empowered parts of myself for the first time ever and coaxing them into a permanent place. It might take awhile...

Stop withholding your love!

I love you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you. How is it you always know just what to say to make everything ok? I feel like a 5-year old with you sometimes and I'm okay with that. Lots of love!

t,

youre silly


me

T, did u like your gift?I put a lot of thought into it

I don't feel right.
I do not feel okay.
I wish you could just stay with me all the time.
I hate feeling like this and wish I could get out of it sooner.

I am in a bad place right now. The pain is just to intense. I wish you had a magic wand to make everything better. I cant do this anymore.

Do you have any idea how much you damaged me?

I can't sleep. I wish you were available all the time so I could call you when I want to talk. When the bad memories are too much. This sucks

I wonder why you were afraid to talk to ME about any questions you may have had??

Instead you CHOSE to go behind my back and talk to someone who knows less about me than you do (that was MY choice btw, which you clearly disrespected). Did it actually make sense to you to call HER of all people?? Or have you completely lost it?? Frankly, I'm thinking the latter. In which case, all of your clients are in danger of speaking to you. If you can't hold someone's confidence, should you really be a T?

You have done more damage to me than I can express.

T1: I miss you dearly and think of you daily. My heart breaks for you to this day. I still cry from missing you. It's been 11 months since I last saw you, 7 months since you left this earth. I am crying as I write this!
But what's weird, T1, is as I look at the past year with T2, I see how my work with you failed. 13 years worth and I couldn't leave you. "Everything happens for a reason". Yeah. Hate that saying. Soooo much has changed and my work with T2 is so starkly different from you.
I know the two of you were friends, and I don't want to talk to T2 about the differences. Honestly, T1, I was afraid of you. You actually intimidated me. I admired your strength and fearlessness. I wanted to get better, but I couldn't and I was afraid of telling you things. I know there was no reason to be afraid. You NEVER ever shamed me for any of my feelings, but I was still afraid. I wish it had been different.
Maybe if I had found PC before the end of our time together, but I didn't. I trusted T2 so fast, and it took years for me to trust you the little that I did. I miss you.

Gulp. Only a few more hours to see you. I am afraid of what we're going to talk about.

Have you read it? Do you hate me? Do you wish I'd go away?
Things are slowly starting to shift though, I can feel it. Stay with me.

I hope this wasn't the weekend your own had to do that. If so my condolences. I miss you and I hope you'll get thru it okay.

Ok, so it didn't turn out so bad. The "psychosis" part was frightening. But, don't worry, I plan on staying away from ambien. Scary. I really thought you were going to slap the AA book at me and tell me i can never drink again. Thank you for not doing that.

You tell me to tell my self-destroying voice to "shut up," but I wish you knew how effing hard that is. You said you know its not easy, but when it is SCREAMING at you all the time, its hard to tell it to shut up.

I said I'd try.

Thank you for being here. It makes a big difference to me.

I am thinking about getting a new T. One that does not cancel appointments so often, but I am scared to start at the beginning again. This stresses me out and makes me feel unimportant when my appointments get cancelled.

I have to be around a lot of family members tonight. People who don't know that being around them triggers bad memories. And I have to pretend I'm okay. I'm not.

I miss *him* today, I shouldn't. I don't understand why I do. It confuses me. I feel hurt over all the situations. I can't make sense of them. You say you do. I guess that's what matters. I don't know how to bring this up again...