Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear T,

It shocked me yesterday when you used profanity. I have never heard you do that.

Confused Me

Do you have any idea what it feels like when someone has hurt you to your very core? I mean so seriously that you are just barely able to function?

I can't make up my mind.

I think I hit the jackpot when I found you.

I don't want to meet the pdoc. I don't want meds. I don't want this appt. It's making my insides all over the place. I'm terrified to be here. Scared. Alone. I wish you could be here with me.

Dear T

You gave me a hand at the end of our session That gave me a nice feeling. It had been a while that you gave me a hand. I think because I've been seeing you for such a long time, the handshaking just kind of stopped. I don't know.

Pdoc gives a hand at the beginning and end of our appointment. I like that. I never paid attention to how his hand feels. Last time I remembered at the end to pay attention to how his hand feels. His hand feels good. His handshake is just right. Not weak like you shake the hand of a corpse. And also not to strong like he needs to prove you're a real man. No just right. And his hand feels soft and a little bit clammy. I just want to make a long walk with him while holding his hand.
Yeah, I'm weird.

I'm sympathetic to the fact that you had a family emergency this morning and had to move my session to tomorrow. Those things happen, and you're always accommodating. But I could never tell you how much having to wait another day to see you has me feeling more anxious than I already did. I know it's not your fault. I'm sorry I'm so needy sometimes.

I'm going to chicken out tonight, I can feel it. It's our one year anniversary and it's really significant to me but I feel like I'm going to get nervous and make it awkward, as usual. I don't have anything else to talk about today though so it could be one of those wasted sessions...

Dear T,

I'm dead scared of our session tomorrow. But it needs to happen - I need to say some things.

Breadfish

Dear T....

Why can't I open up enough and tell you. You keep questioning me, pressing me for more information. Why cant I just tell you? I dont get it either, thank you for your patience though. It must be frusterating. But I will admit, Im scared. Mainly of your reaction and how it will change therapy and my treatment. I dont like change.

WTF is wrong with me? I am so sorry.

It has been a hard few days, and I can't believe I actually told you what happened the other night because I am so ashamed, but i know i need to be honest with you if i want to feel better. I very much dislike all these conversations about addiction. I refuse to believe I am an addict. I definitely am concerned about the drinking and substance use, and know I need to cut wayyyyyy back right now, at least until I am feeling better. I get that. An addict? You are giving me "The Book" to read. I don't kow how i feel about that either. It is all very uncomfortable.

BUT, I am SO glad that even though you didn't call back yesterday and I was freaking out, that I asked you to call me today. You did. And it was ok. I tried the whole "ask for what you need" (ack!) concept and it didn't turn out awfully, so that's good. I just wish I could get past all this feeling bad stuff, and move onto feeling good.

Dear T, tomorrow I will say good bye. I am scared to leave your safety but I know it's time.I will always be grateful for your listening skills and compassion. I love you.

Dear T,

I'm still working through you leaving...7 months later Sometimes I start to feel a bit mad at you but I won't let myself feel it. Not all the way. I can't seem to do that because what good will it do? You're gone.

But since I can say anything I want to on here, I want to say that I think it was pretty crappy of you to let me come back week after week when I started going downhill. And even have me coming in twice a week after the hospital?? And you didn't even try to switch things up. One trick pony? I guess. And I don't fully blame you because I do believe you thought you were helping and I know in my heart you cared. You just screwed up. I see now how at the end there you got suddenly directive in a way that was SO out of character for you. Perhaps to make up for the years of no direction - almost like desperately reaching out your hand in a last ditch effort to keep me from losing my career, house, family - my MIND....

But you know what? It didn't make up for it.

Some part of me wishes you'd have cared enough to challenge me early on. To challenge these thoughts that were NOT real! And you knew they weren't real but I truly didn't know, and more importantly, I didn't know that I had a choice! I poured my heart out to try to prove to you that I was sick - to show you there was a problem. All the while terribly ashamed of how bad it had gotten. I uncovered my festering wounds in the hopes you would know what to do with it all because I TRULY didn't! Ive heard that people with depression can convince others that they are a lost cause. I wonder if my depression convinced you. Looking back it seems like it. I think you gave up long before you left, but you know what? That's ok cause I didn't give up on me

You know what's cool though? I think if I were saying this all to you right now that you would listen. And you wouldn't get defensive either. You might even agree. You might even say sorry....And I might believe you But the best part is that you may not have been a perfect T, you may even have been far from perfect, but you were "good enough". Despite all I've said here, I can't paint you all bad, T. I see the good and the bad.

Maybe you could even say I see the gray....

Well, I did chicken out and didn't mention that it was our one year anniversary but somehow we still ended up talking about the past year and everything that has changed for me.
I'm still not sure how we ended up talking about it without me bringing it up but I'm glad we did. I don't know if I've ever left a session feeling as good as I did tonight. I'm also glad that you thought it was a good conversation and said that I was making progress in how I talk about what I've accomplished
I had to mention that it was our one year anniversary so I sent you an email an hour ago. I'm not really sure how or if I want you to respond but I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

You really messed me up!! Are there any therapists who are trustworthy?? I think not.

Beginning to think the field of therapy is inundated with people who are winging it and making money hand over fist.

Dear T...

I am scared because I feel so attached to you. I'm also scared because I need you and me to work on coping skills, but you forgot.

I really hope you get a cancellation next week.

Dear T,

Now, I get what you meant with that word 'desperate' after reading an article from PC. Yeah, let me avoid and/or display mindfulness of that style relationship going forward . Still am waiting to make that next appointment to wave hello of sorts before you retire.

The word was eyebrowraising because I don't get involved from a place of desperation, but reading what I did, I see there's a double entendre. Haha. Do I look like someone desperate? But it means in the sense of an addictive style relationship. Feed the fix, type of thing.

Well, gotta run. Time is up. Kids need schooling.
Me

I'm so sad it's likely going to end with us, and on a bad note. I wish you could be more understanding, understand that I'm not trying to be inappropriate, that it isn't about you and your feelings. Understand what you've done. If you could shrink your ego and listen to me this would probably work out, but I don't think that is going to happen.

Dear P-doc,
I see you tomorrow. I guess at some point I'll stop being so nervous to see you. But I think it's still too close to when you recommended the day program to me. I'm never sure what all I should tell you. I feel safe telling certain things to T and MC, but with you I'm less sure...

I wish I had hours to sit and talk to you and you could hold me and tell me it will all be ok. I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know.

T! You freaked me the eff out today!! But, even after the slight, "am I still going to get to see you" scare, I'm glad we still had a productive session. We were able to get a lot accomplished & I feel better after today than I normally do after seeing you

Hey T! I hope you're enjoying your training this week. I am having a fun time right now imagining you emailing me to tell me about some aspect of your training that you want to practice with me when you get home. No illusions I know you won't email of course, but it's fun to imagine anyway.. Is that what you meant when you mentioned "fantasies" last week? Cuz that's the only kind I'll ever have with regard to you, you know. Still, I'm looking forward to hearing about what you are learning.

What you said to me today - it was so good to hear. Thank you.

You know though, I used to want to hear it from her more than anything. Maybe I still do... I know I won't though, and I think it's not that I don't want to hear it from her, but that I've accepted that I won't. Or I'm coming to accept it...