Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear T

The client before me stayed 10 minutes over time. And because of that you started a few minutes later with me. And you had to get a glass of water and print something out for me. This you're supposed to do in those 15 minutes that are between sessions. I feel like you didn't had enough time to prepare yourself for my session. It makes me feel less than your other client.
And then I left your office on time and I saw your next client in the waiting room and it was a girl who could be around the same age as me and I wonder do you like her better. Do you rather talk with her. I bet you that client before me better. I heard her talk talk talk. I'm not such a talker. I didn't say a lot today. I felt empty/calm/not much. I didn't really had feelings. So I didn't really knew what to say. I just had this ''I don't care''-feeling. Like whatever. You must find it annoying that I was so passive.

Now that the holiday is almost over. The guilt is subsiding. There is always something to feel guilty about on the holidays. I did something I shouldn't have, I didn't do something I should have, I forgot to put out the turnips, I should have invited so and so, I never should have invited so and so . Always something to feel guilty about. Glad I just did what I needed to today for myself.

Sometimes I think you're dead-tired exhausted from me.

I cannot bring up any sex related content, I want to understand why but I can't even say that.

When you yawn. I think u want to be somewhere else.

** damn this thread is so helpful!!
I'm gonna past her notes I write here.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking about you so much. What's going on?

I wish I could tell you how much your help through my panic attack in your office this week meant to me. I wish I knew if you would continue to support me through them that way in the future and I might be able to face the upcoming things better. You didn't make me deal with it alone like I feared you would do if it ever came up. I can't say it to you because then you have my 'wish' as part of your decision and I need to know if your help is from your want to help and your belief that it is right and not from what you heard I wished for.
Regardless, thanks for this time.

i am scared to come to next session cuz i think u might terminate me.

you are probably not sure why i keep on coming back...and i am afraid u will ask me for my feedback and i wont have anything productive to say.
and then voila...stormy should be refered !

i might have annoyed u...given u crazy answers and was a bit hyper even.
must be difficult for u to sit across from me and listen to my insane talks...delusional even.

arghh..i feel like i might as well save myself from embarrassment and gracefully exit.
i will break badly if u terminate me.
it will be less hurtful if i make the choice to walk away.

u r nice..and i wish i knew how to work out this thing..how to talk and communicate...and be authentic. not sure if my attempts are worthwhile.

Dear ex-T

I found out that your back in practice and you got a message to me that you look forward to getting back talking face to face. I'm happy but also nervous. What if we lost our connection. I'm scared but I shouldn't be. My thought is how long will you stay this time. Your picture on the website doesn't look happy. Then I think what if you really don't want to see me but you said you did. My mind is going from one extreme to the other. I missed you

Dear T and MC,
I wish you could understand about the money thing, and how I hate feeling like I have to justify my spending. But you're both basically rolling in money, as far as I can tell, so I don't think you'd understand...

Thank you so much for giving me that crystal gemstone that was sitting in a dish next to my chair. I like having an object from you that I can carry around. When I hold it, I feel like you really are there and it helps me so much. I miss you.

T,

It's true that our session ended on a bad note. However, you're probably right: I do feel anger towards him, and maybe that's what I need to feel.

T how will we know when our work is done?? Will you tell me?

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

do you like when i send you funny messages, or are you like 'ugh, qwerty again. wish they'd leave me alone'?

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I needed you and all you cared about was fooling around with her. That's the kind of T you were. Left me curled up in a ball crying. It was more important to stroke your ego by seeing her. Well good for you. Don't think I will forget this.

I wake up to relive this every day.

There is no more playing, joking or laughter-
No Micky Mouse.
No gaiety or cheer.
No happiness,
Ever, again.

((Precarious))

I had a very weird dream about you last night! Looking forward to telling you about it on Wed.

the relationship with you is so good and special right now. It's a perpetual rollercoaster, sigh.

Dear T,
You are too nice to me. Also, you will find it funny when I tell you next week how in my head today I battled on and off if I should go to this thing tonight. I didn't want to. It was cold and rainy and grey and I really wanted to hole up and not go anywhere this weekend. Then I heard your voice saying "The antidote to depression is action." I battled that voice all day! I internally stamped my feet saying "Go away, T! I don't want to go!!"

Up until about 10 minutes before I had to go I was fighting it. And can you believe it? I went. I am glad I did, just so you know

Dear T,

You seem to be struggling in your personal life, yet you don't show a hint of it in session.

I'm glad you have people to "b1tch to" (Your words! I love how you swear) and share your struggles with.

We need to talk endings, t.

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Do you understand NOW???

WAT THE FUK T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HATE people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not you... but most everyone else.

feel bummed and RAGE!!!

gawwddddd.... -_-

me

I wanted to email you soooo badly last night, but I didn't. I'm afraid you are going to forget about me.

things may have to come to an abrupt end when i start working in january. i didn't intend for it to be like this, but having a job is the best thing for me right now. even though i know you work pretty much 9-5, i secretly hope that you will be able to make the time for me, though i know that this is an unrealistic expectation.