Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

T,
I wish I wasn't so irritated this week. I'm trying not to use negative coping mechanisms, and its hard and exhausting. I wish my angry voice wasn't screaming at me all the time. I would like to stop fighting it now.

You usually have called by now. I'm guessing it was just a busy day, but I wish you would call like you said you would. I always feel guilty when you call after a long day because then I feel like I'm wasting your time and you would rather be at home not thinking of me (because who wouldn't?). Yet I feel like I need you. Sigh.

You did forget about me. I'm so crushed. If you actually call tomorrow I'm sure you will say sorry and give me some perfectly logical excuse and I will have to pretend it's ok or else sound like a spoiled brat. I needed you so badly today after our tough appt yesterday but like everything else in my life, it doesn't matter at all. I don't know why I thought things would be different, I really am stupid.

Thanks for everything tonight. I wasn't expecting to feel as good as I did after the session but I think your small self-disclosure was justified and extremely helpful for me.

T,

I bet you'll forget about my birthday. I am a fool for believing I matter to you.

I needed help with some things, that's why I came to you.

Dear T

Yesterday you remembered that it's almost my birthday. You remembering that means more to me than you'll know, because not many people care about me or will congratulate me (unless it's mentioned by Facebook).

Dear T,

I'm sorry I am not doing so well atm. I'm sorry you have to put up with me when I'm like this. I'm sorry that my sui thoughts are back and that you have to hear about them. But I am incredibly thankful for your phone calls when I am in need. Sorry and thanks!

TWF x

I'm not sure if I did the right thing by emailing you but I don't know what else to do. I don't understand these feelings.

Dear old T

I'm upset that you left me hanging. And you make me want to hate you but I can't. Swallow your pride or whatever it is and be my therapist.

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I need to quit seeing you because it's costing more than I can afford.

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That pdoc scared me honestly. She seems way too eager to send me inpatient. Like, right now. I even felt stupid. Ah, sorry, happily married rich people in private practice don't have to pay rent alone. Right. Leave everything, the solution.
By the way. is it normal to go see a pdoc cause one is suicidal and after that feeling more suicidal? Maybe she has something wrong - does it always have to be me!? Hhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Well, thanks for the reply. I think it helped in some ways, but I notice you didn't offer me an extra session or acknowledge that I said I thought I might need one. I hope I don't become too needy for you. I need you to stay consistent and caring. I need to trust you not to abandon me if I talk to you about this stuff.

I am so sorry about today. I had a total flood of emotions. I know I got too close, but I will forever appreciate that you recognized my distress and didn't reject me. You holding my head is the thought that will help me sleep tonight. I hope I didn't hurt you.

Dear PrevT,

I've left T alone. I knew I was contacting her too much...though she has never said it.

Therapy tomorrow.

It's frustrating to have these many intense feelings and memories tumbling over one another...at home....and to have to hold them back, to save them for *one* therapy "hour".... Not logical.

Then, the emotions...the sadness..the anger....even some of the memories are just not there during therapy. Its like losing my train of thought...my focus. Therapy feels like I am turning in an emotionless report:

"Yeah, it was bad."

Frustrating.

Also, I'm still having a hard time believing my experiences...the things that happened to me...are why I am the way I am. I don't believe it.

I still feel something organic must be wrong with me....some sort of autism that makes me feel alien.

Dear PrevT,

I'm supposed to be grieving the parenting I did not receive..The comfort...security...

Yes, that's huge.

But I still don't feel that explains why I feel like an alien...like a distant cousin to homo sapiens.

There is some else wrong with me.

Why would I dissociate before the age of six? I know I was a virgin at my first pelvic exam. What else could have happened to me?

I was born this way.
It's like a different sort of autism, or something yet unnamed.

Thank you for being so nice to me on the phone today. And understanding. And agreeing to do those things for me to hold onto while you are away this holiday season. It's a bit pathetic that I feel so relieved and calmed down from talking to you but I guess it's where I'm at right now.

Thank you for listening to me sing today. I was SO nervous. But I am so proud of myself for going through with it. I planned to do it, I practiced my butt off, and then I told you I wanted to, and you responded enthusiastically to the idea, so I took a deep breath or 3 and somehow managed to push out that first note.... once I did that, the rest flowed and I actually enjoyed myself. I love you, you know. You're the best. Thank you.

T,

I regret not letting you say what you wanted to say as I was leaving, I hope the moment will arise again because I'd really like to hear it I just couldn't today. Not as I was walking out. I was already barely holding myself together and then you hugged me and I started falling. There was no way I would have been able to keep myself in one "piece". I really wish I could have listened. I want that moment back. I want to ask what you would have said but it won't be the same. So many things today I hope I can always remember, at least when I need to.

EM

T,

i felt a little jealous that i could have been playing board games with you and the others tonight but i was stuck at work getting treated like **** by my coworker who was supposed to be training me. i hope im off next thursday...

me

You are still driving me batty.

T,

I'll be the last client of your work week. I guess you dread me. I hate me too, no worries.

Dear T,

Why am I struggling so much now? When I haven't seen you for months and months? I think it might be the time of year.....this sucks. I don't think the risks of therapy are discussed enough. I probably wouldn't have listened anyway but a warning would've been nice. I really miss you and I hate it. I really hate it. You became too important to me and I think you thought it was good only it wasn't. I'm still suffering and you're not (not that I want you to suffer). But the therapy failed and I have to accept that despite my desire to feel like it was good. It really wasn't, T. I ended up in the hospital twice. It wasn't good. I'm still reeling over things. Still thinking about you. That's not normal I don't think. I expect you would say it is ok to have my feelings.....well it may be ok but I just don't want them anymore.

T,

Thank you for not hating me. I'm sorry I was so angry and snarked at you.

Dear former t

I am kind of mad, no I am mad that you won't respond to my email. Makes me think there was more to it then you not being able to help me.
And I am sorry but I thought only children played those kind of school games of ignoring each other not a full grown adult that should be able to be open and honest with me. Also why did it take you six weeks to tell me you couldn't help me? You felt like this before I told you about the assault. Also when you scheduled my appointment for 930am and I asked you, did you make it for 930 so you could call and cancel why didn't you tell me then instead of allowing me to think for 2 weeks we had a session. When all that time your motives were to call and cancel. Again I feel there is more to it than you not being able to help and I wish you would just be a man about it and tell me what's really going on. You at least owe me that.

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