Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

T. I miss you. So much has happened over the last week and a half. It makes me sad knowing I only have an hour to talk about everything on Monday. Right now, I wish I could talk to you every day.

Dear T ,
I don't like you anymore.I don't believe in you anymore. You're just like everybody else . as distant and frustrating as everyone. Maybe it's just me being unable to recieve good things from others .but i feel like you don't mean the same thing to me that you used to do .

Dear T
I just can't put it into words. How much it means to me. How much impact it has had. I am re imagining it over and over. I didn't know that what I needed was to be taken away somewhere safe until you did that.

Blargh. For someone who I swear can read my mind sometimes, you sure have been on a completely different page from me for the past couple weeks. Times like these are when I really wish I could communicate better. I'm so over talking about my dad. I'm over dealing with him, and I'm over talking about him.

A part of me is craving for your support, but mostly I feel guilty you are promptly seeing me in the middle of your leave.
I feel stupid and am deeply ashamed. don't know how to explain the thousand things I never told you.
I am confused and angry that I am still here and upset because I failed at everything. With progress, at work, at relationships, in life, in ending it. Sorry I disappointed you. I'm so fed up and I have no idea how to soothe the deep hatred I have for myself. I am not able to bear it anymore. I want this to stop. I want some relief.
I fear you want to leave me. Well I would understand.

...Deleted...

Today was too much

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T that energy work was the best thing. Thank you times a million. Let's do some more ok?

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Dear New T
Ummmmmmm I was on facebook and noticed the people I may know and saw you. One of my friends is one of your friends and also that friend and I have a mutual friend who is also your friend. So two mutual friends. Do you really think that's a good idea? I don't.

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Dear t: one more thought this evening. I was thinking about that dream we were working on yesterday, the one with R., and I think what you said about "going back there" was right even if you meant something else by it. I think I need to "go back" as in, way back in those days that R. was a part of, I wrote a lot of poetry in fact it was she who sparked the fire within me that became my passion. But I wrote from a place inside me... that I stopped acknowledging after the relationship with J. ended, when I quit writing. I was in that place for a short time at the concert the other night, remember how I told you I got emotional and cried a little, not from the songs but... because of the couple next to me, the love I saw they had for each other, and... I was in that place inside myself that I wrote some of my best poetry from. I found my way back to it, and I think I can find my way back to it again, and I think that's what the dream is telling me to do, that I need to "go back" to that place inside me where I feel the most deeply, and pull the pain out of that place and write it into poems so it is no longer inside of me. Not tonight, I have a commitment early tomorrow morning so I need to get to bed but.... after I get home from that, I plan to sit down, feel my way back into that place, and write some new poems, and whatever I write, I'll read to you next week. I am pretty certain you already know this, but, part of the sadness I felt the other night is because.... ah. I can't even say it. But you know it anyway so I don't need to. My heart... I can't say it's breaking because it's not but maybe perhaps it is stretching....? I do love you. Probably too much.

There is a list of "How therapists abuse their clients" and I never in my wildest nightmares would have thought you'd fit the bill of anything called abusive, but you realize there are a number of things on that list you are doing to me?

• Treating the client as a "diagnosis" rather than as a person,
• Not allowing client to critically question the therapy they are being subjected to, demanding unlimited compliance and agreement and "faith" in the therapeutic process.
• Labelling understandable distress/anger etc at external events in terms of mental illness
• Labelling the client as manipulative or disturbed for questioning the therapist's approach (e.g. diagnosing a personality disorder in order to discredit a client who makes a legitimate complaint)
• Playing the victim when the client makes a complaint
• Refusing to accept that therapists ever make mistakes and blaming the client for any distress the therapist has caused them

Not to mention going from very clearly saying you were going to have to eventually terminate if I didn't join a DBT group, to then saying that you said you "might" have to terminate, then saying you didn't even know much about the local DBT group anyway and then saying that you did say you might have to terminate at some point if I wasn't open to the group, but that but you hoped you wouldn't have to "play that card" with me...what card? The "Threaten and then change my story once I scared you with my threat enough that you'd buckle and come back with your tail between your legs saying you would do as I say and be open to the group" card?

I do have major issues to work on. But I'm not going to subject myself to shame and embarrassment that leads to working on them. I will find someone who will gently guide me, not beat me over the head with my shortcomings, and I will go on to have a fulfilled happy life with wonderful relationships. I hope you are seeking supervision or therapy of your own because you sir have your own issues to deal with, only you have the ability to really mess people up as consequences of your ego and arrogance. Get help.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.
I cherish the very real you moments you share with me.
I wish I could do something for you, not because I feel I need to but because for once I want to.
I want to.
I don't think I need to because you give to me.
I don't owe you.
I want to.
I miss you.

I deeply regret not letting you tell me what you wanted to and I'm fearful ill never get that moment back...

I feel like texting you right now would be disrespectful, because I know you're having a hard time, understandably. I also know you'd want me to if I felt I needed to and I do, so I did.

You are sorely misguided and not capable of clearly reading people. You created an unbearable situation for me and think you are going to blame ME for it??? You are actually going to try to HURT ME more than YOU ALREADY HAVE?? Just the thought that you would even CONSIDER IT is excruciatingly painful. I also can't believe you are so blinded by someone's looks that you would excuse everything. If this is the type of man you are, no morals, no principles, untrustworthy, let me assure you that I will not be the only one disappointed in you.

Even though you annoyed me last week, I think I'm more annoyed that you aren't available this week so we could talk about it. The holidays are almost here and I'm getting anxious, and we won't have a session until next Saturday. Too long.

T,

my brain feels melty and i havent ate yet today im sure you would say told you so

....me

Dear G, this pain of separating from you is searing hot. I only have 3 more sessions with you before we are done therapy, unless I get that money soon, and I feel like my heart is breaking. Thinking of you is so painful. I feel like ending therapy is like leaving you with half my heart, and the other half is shattered. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to say goodbye. Seeing you only every other week has been hard. The thought of never seeing you again hurts like 100 shards of glass tearing at my heart.

T...

I sometimes dream of you. We are in one of those cold hospital consulting rooms that serve as therapy rooms.

It is our last session and I can never never see you again. I already have no way to contact you, and no permission to.

Dear G, I feel the tears coming, but I don't want to cry. I've cried so much already. I feel like I am being torn away from you. I found a quote that says "At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life." I know it's true, but it hurts way too much. I don't want to say goodbye to you. I want you to hold me tight. I want to hold onto you forever.

Here they come.

Dear G, saying goodbye to you feels like the same pain as losing J, even though that was a totally different loss situation. Saying goodbye to you is still a loss. And I've lost my appetite again.

I wish you could come tuck me in and read me a story. Good grief that makes me feel like I'm a child and it's embarrassing but I wouldn't complain. I need your comfort and safety right now, but won't ask because of what you're going through.

I am very upset with you. When you come to your senses call me.

Dear T,
I know you said that honesty was the first step but I can't. I can't let it matter. I don't want to open the wound that I spend months trying to close. The feelings have been pushed so far back that I don't know how to access them anymore.

T,
Why am I so sad? You sort of joked (maybe? maybe you were serious?) that I was feeling so sad at the end of the session was because my session was over, and I had to go deal with the week, but even though I hung out with a friend ALL day and night (!!), I still felt that sadness creeping in. I know you say to take it one day at a time, but it is so hard when I feel so "blergh." I am sort of fascinated that you described it as anxiety. I had no idea.

I have mixed feelings on your thoughts about it being ok and normal to feel fear and anxiety over the point(lessness) of life. That is it OK to wake up and go "OMG, how can i do another day, day after day, year after year? What if I just can't do it anymore." I don't WANT it to be ok. I want to not feel like that, but of course, I didn't say that to you. I think I didn't really realize that until right now.

Sigh. I just want to fast forward to me being happy. Can't we do that? Please?

I miss you...