Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

hey t i am a bundle of nerves waiting for my appt in an hour from now. i don't know why i am so nervous. there is no need to be.

T,

Your reply didn't really make things better. It actually made me feel worse. That probably wasn't your intent. It just how you wrote it. Too me it sounds like you don't really care. You're not that interested.
I'm such a mess. I can't do that thinking rationally thing. I get stuck in the negative thinking. I really don't know what you think. So I can't get out of it.

I feel so lonely. I feel like I don't have anybody. You were the only one I could really talk to. But now... I feel like things aren't right between us. But I don't know what you think, because you won't tell me. And now I won't know anything until Tuesday.
I feel sad and scared and I don't know what to do.

Right now I just want to text you and say "hi T" what's that all about? I am scared of not being happy with the T relationship for what it is. You say I'm 'businesslike' about therapy and I agree. I know what I want from it and I go there knowing what I want from you. But right now I want more. I know it relates to the difficult disclosures last session, but I don't want the way I feel about you to change because it works so well for me. I hope this is temporary...is it?

T,
Can I please stay in your office and never leave? I feel so safe there and I feel like you can keep me safe as long as I am in your office.

I like when you use "we"

Ok, so I will see you tomorrow, and i'm so nervous I had been anxiety-free (mostly!) for two entire sessions! I haven't even told you that yet, but it is all back because since you never wrote back to my e-mail, i am pretty sure you are going to give me bad news tomorrow. I"m trying not to spin this into a crazy "i'm going to lose my T" spiral, but its hard. Sigh. I hope i'm wrong.

T,

Sorry for crying but thank you for telling me its okay. I can't handle getting depressed again. I thought of sui before this gets to bad. My husband even had to hide the pills. I want people to remember me as happy. I can't do this. You said we'll manage it but I don't want to. I'm sorry I said the sessions aren't helpful but its true. I liked the jinga game even if it doesn't help you'll know me better.

OK. I finally admitted it. Are you happy now????

thank you for the hug as i left today. that was a nice surprise. and yes i felt it too, that my grandma was there with us.

I am so scared something is going to happen to you. I hate this feeling.

A week and a half till I see you again, then not for 8 weeks. What to say?

-
You couldn't let me have an ounce of pride? You had to take that away from me? You pretty much have taken away everything I had. I don't know why but I can never get it back. No one can fix what you did to me. I don't know why you would all hurt me like this. I did nothing to hurt any of you. Remember that!! Don't be surprised at my anger - it is well justified!!

Dear T,

Omg, thank you for helping me prioritize and supporting me through this time.

hey t, i just read the little story i wrote yesterday again, using "I" like the 2nd time I read it yesterday, and am amazed all over again. What a good insight that gave me. That's one of those things that I want to do again, but probably wouldn't work as well again, because I know about the changing the pronoun thing now, so would probably try too hard or something. It wouldn't be as natural. But that was really cool, t.

Phew, I was wrong (again) about you kicking me out of therapy due to insurance. I think you feel bad you never wrote back, but I get why you didn't. I can't help this stupid irrational anxiety. It is so annoying. I liked today's session, light and laid back, but also good. I really think I found an awesome T in you, and am excited.

When I came to you originally I was in the midst of some pretty deep transference with T1. You guessed (quite rightly) that there was erotic transference for T1, even though I denied it at first.
Now my feelings for you are growing stronger, but there is no erotic transference at all. I am scared that if I start to talk to you about my feelings for you, you'll jump to the conclusion I have ET for you too. Will you believe me if I say I don't?

T

thank you for the big hug you gave me... im glad i found out abt getting the house when i was with you.... i am so happy and you said you are too.... this is gonna be great T..now i am closer to you and can come to ur place more and not have to drive up a freakin mountain!!! and i have a cool roommate!!!! HURRAY!!!!!!!!

me

t,

when you text me hashtags i think its funny . ur a funny dude, dude.

me again!

Dear T,

I wish I could tell you about my transference towards you, but I am too scared to. I also wish that you would stop worrying about asking me for hugs, but I am scared to talk to you about that as well.

Dear T

Why leave??

-

How do you expect me to heal when you won't talk to me? I need feedback.

Please think about it.

dear t: I have been thinking a lot today about that question you asked me friday morning, "What are you avoiding?" and while the answer I gave you was true, it was also only the simple answer. That question has more than one layer, doesn't it? I wish we were talking again sooner than 2 weeks. I'll spend some more time on answering it before we meet again, and on writing my 'new story'. And I haven't done the Active with the angel yet. I need to get on that.

I love you.

Things are getting more and more intense. Im scared and I need you.

Dear T,

Thank you for supporting me through my sil's funeral...and all the emotions, feelings and commotions that have come up for me seeing my family again. I feel overwhelmed.

Dearest T,

I'm scared. It's been an extremely rough time. That nightmare about you I just had really has affected me and I hope you're okay. I really wish you'd respond to me and I hope you'll be there tomorrow. That nightmare felt so real and won't leave...

EM