My session was at 7 PM yesterday. So around 5:45, I'm in the dressing room of H&M (favorite store), and my cell phone rings... I look at the number, and I recognize it as the # to the psychoanalytic center. Immediately I begin to panic because I figure he is calling last minute to cancel. Of course I pick up the phone and say, " Hello ?" in the most innocent and inquisitive voice that I could manage. God forbid I would let him know that I knew it was him calling, and that I had any ounce of fear that he would be canceling. So then he identified himself on the phone, as if I didn't already have the entire conversation played out, and I was like, "Ohhhhh, yes... hello," as maturely as possible. (So, so fake). He proceeds to tell me that he had a few cancellations, so if I'd like, I could come earlier. Oh. Haha. So I grabbed a coffee and headed over...

I get there and he looks good. But I'm not ready to talk about that kind of transference yet. So the first thing I tell him is that I have called the pdoc 2x, given him numerous times that I have free to talk, and he hasn't called back. So my T starts taking down notes of what I want to tell the pdoc, and says that he's gonna leave a message on his voicemail for him to call me back. So then last night at 9:30, my pdoc leaves me a msg. What a %#@&#!. This guy kills me. It's awesome that my T acted so quickly, but my pdoc is honestly a %#@&#!. 9:30 PM on a Saturday? I didn't answer the phone b/c my street was having a block party, so I was outside bustin' a move and didn't hear my phone ring, lol. On the message, he said that he would call me today (Sunday). We'll see.

We talked about my fear of having a depressive episode come on and screwing things up for me as far as my internship goes. We talked about the last episode I went through, and looking back, there were definitely signs to recognize that it was going to take place. Then T said, "We can come up with ways to take preventative measures."
We? Him? Me? Us? Cool. Then he said, "We need to come up with a plan." And I just started to laugh because the word plan makes me think of a strict emergency protocol, in which specific steps must occur in order. Plus, I'm not used to having a "plan" in analysis. I told him this... I said, "What plan? Like as soon as I feel the first symptom of depression, start by ringing a bell?" And he started to laugh and goes, "A bell? Will there also be a Skinner box involved?" And then he began to laugh at his own behavioral therapy joke. I mean, really laugh. The guy was cracking himself up. I was laughing too, not really at his joke, but at the fact that he was cracking himself up. Then he clears his throat and goes, "Ahem... ok... sorry." It was great. And we talked about some different ways we could "plan" for trying to prevent a depression.

We talked a lot about my difficulty accepting compliments from him, and other people outide of my husband and father.

Then. The transference. I told him my 2 possible scenarios: That he is aware of a lot the feelings I am having towards him, and that is sort of comforting because once I tell him, it's not like it's a complete surprise... or that he has absolutely no idea and once I tell him, he'll be like.... what the %#@&#! is wrong with her??? I also went as far as to tell him that I wondered if these 'unnamed' transference feelings would exist if I had a female therapist as opposed to him, a male. I then referred back to the dream I told him about last week, in which I dreamt that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring, and he was explaining why, but I couldn't hear anything he was saying.... I told him that a lot of that transference manifested itself in that dream, but when we talked about it last week, I wasn't ready to elaborate on that part of the dream. So if all that didn't point to the direction in which I, at some point, would like to go, then I don't know what would.

I also told him about the series of poetry I was working on, in hopes to make a chapbook that will be published. The series is called "The Transference Poems" and is made up of poetry not only about the transference that goes on in therapy with him, but about the countertransference that take places with my own patients. So he raises his eyebrows, because as usual (this happens a lot) I am working on something outside of therapy that is completely therapy related, and refuse to share it with him, lol. Cause when I told him about it, I go, "Oh yeah, and I'm working on a series of poems called The Transference Poems, and I hope to get it published, and no, you can't see them." And he raises his eyebrows and says, "So if you have a book that is published, I can't go read it?" and I said, "No. You will not be permitted to purchase it." And he goes, "I would have to pay for it?" LOL. Then he asked me if bringing the poems into session would ruin the process of writing them because he wouldn't want that to happen. I said that it wouldn't, that it would probably only facilliate more to write about. And he said that maybe bringing them in would facilliate talking about the transference in session. Well, duh, of course it would, that's why I don't bring them in, lol. So I don't know. My poetry is very raw. He knows that. He has read stuff I've written before. I rarely share it with him. I would love to integrate my writing into therapy on a regular basis, but I haven't gotten there yet. I made him tell me again how I can say anything in front of him. He told me again. I said... I don't know if you can handle it. Truth is, I don't know if I can handle it. My writing exposes me in a way in which there is no censorship. That is a really %#@&#! hard thing to bring into therapy. Can't set up any defenses. I have read from this series of poems in my writing workshop, my writing instructor has seen them, I will have no problem using them in my reading in October.... but when it comes to T seeing them, it's sooo hard. Because then it's not just about words and images anymore. It's about me, my unconscious.

I don't see him for 2 weeks. Next Friday, I am going to NY to see my family and to go a wedding. Our schedules don't match up in order for me to see him at any other time.

[Perna]

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pinksoil said:
I told him my 2 possible scenarios: That he is aware of a lot the feelings I am having towards him, and that is sort of comforting because once I tell him, it's not like it's a complete surprise... or that he has absolutely no idea and once I tell him, he'll be like.... what the %#@&#! is wrong with her???

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What's wrong with this picture? Pinksoil! "No idea" (because YOU, personally, have not told him what you're thinking!) does not equate to his rejection of you/your thinking/your feelings!

Don't forget the Alamo, er, middle ground! It's not an all-or-nothing thing. All/most people have similar feelings but you have the personal pinksoil feelings that you, pinksoil, must tell him about for him to hear/know about! But the "response" will be HIS response, not your fantasized idea of his response! Give the boy credit :-)

Ahhhhh, thank you so much for pointing that out, Perna. I am continuously amazed at how much I am dominated by black-and-white thinking. And I normally have pretty good self-awareness... but when it comes to the black-and-white thinking, I normally do not catch it unless it is pointed out to me. I guess it has become so much my way of dealing with things, that it often goes unnoticed. Lots of times T helps me become aware of it in session. This time, you did.

[MissCharlotte]

pink said that her T said:

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"I would have to pay for it?"

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Hey Pink,
You could have said, "Well, yeah, quid pro quo, I have to pay you for this!"

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And he said that maybe bringing them in would facilliate talking about the transference in session

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You know, Pinksoil, this sounds like he is trying to help make it easier for you to say what you need to say. Although your poetry is raw, as you described it, reading it to him may make you one step removed from telling him....hmmmm not a bad idea.

Sounds like it was a great session. Fasten your seatbelt, 2 weeks will be a rough ride!

Take care.

[sunrise]

Sounds like another good session, pinksoil.

I am glad you are working on a plan for depression. I can sense when it is lurking around the corner for me, and I try to cut it off at the pass with my own "plan." Mine, in part, involves astute attention to my sleep patterns. Depression can make me sleep poorly, but somehow the opposite is true too, if my sleep gets wacky, it can exacerbate or provoke depression.

The Transference Poems sound cool! What is the reading in October you referred to? Are you giving a public reading somewhere of your poetry? Cool!

LOL Sister! I think I will tell him that next time I see him! But you are right... I am thinking more and more about bringing the poems in. Correction: bringing the poems in and actually doing something with them besides hiding them in my pocketbook or folding/crumpling them up into a tiny, tiny wad of paper in while talking to him (yes both things have been done before).

Sunny, my depression signs usually start with a complete lack of interest in anything , mainly shopping, lol. If I don't wanna go clothes shopping, call 911, cause something's wrong. Also, I'm not too much of a social person, but when depression is around the corner, I can't even deal with the thought of having to spend time with someone. Then within a couple weeks, all the other symptoms show up and it becomes a full-blown depression.

Yeah, I'm doing a reading in October-- the Mad Poet's Society is an organization in and around Philly. I'm one of the featured readers in a series that they're doing.

[sidony]

Pinksoil, you have such awesome sessions. Do you ever post any poems in the creative section? Would love to read one of them if you ever felt inclined to share.

And yeah if I didn't feel like shopping, that would likewise be an emergent situation. :-) I bought a whole bunch of new clothes just recently -- I think it was a reaction to having been so anxious. Wore one of my new skirts to group therapy tonight. :-)

I'm feeling kind of disconnected myself in therapy right now. I'm hoping for a good session tomorrow. In group, I felt really out of place though it wasn't horrible. In individual, I'm struggling with what to talk about. I'm amused that you don't talk about therapy-related subjects (like countertransference) in your sessions. Sometimes I'm avoiding subjects I know my therapist could help me with, but I just don't want to deal. But right now I just don't know what to talk about or how to connect.

Sidony

[sunrise]

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sidony said:
But right now I just don't know what to talk about or how to connect.

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Sorry to hear you are having trouble connecting, sidony. I hate that feeling. When I have a disconnected session, I get depressed. Sometimes I wonder, if we don't have anything to talk about, does that mean we are done with therapy? If there's nothing to talk about, why be there? I'm not necessarily meaning you in particular, sidony (it sounds like you do have stuff to talk about but are just being avoidant); I'm just kind of posing an existential question.

BTW, I hate shopping, at least for clothes. Detest it! What does that mean? If I have to buy clothes, I try to do it by catalog. (I do like shopping for electronics.)

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sidony said:
Pinksoil, you have such awesome sessions. Do you ever post any poems in the creative section? Would love to read one of them if you ever felt inclined to share.

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I think I will post one now.

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I'm amused that you don't talk about therapy-related subjects (like countertransference) in your sessions.

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Oh, we talk a lot about transference. Just not that transference, i.e. I want to %#@&amp;#! you just because you're my therapist. We are getting there. Slowly.

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Sometimes I'm avoiding subjects I know my therapist could help me with, but I just don't want to deal. But right now I just don't know what to talk about or how to connect.

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Feeling disconnect when you are outside of session is awful. Feeling disconnected in session is horrific . I know. I've been there so many times. Best thing to do is let your T know. There are many times in which I let my T know I was disconnected and he has said, "I know. I felt that, too. We are definitely not on the same page." And then we worked through it to reclaim the connection.

HOLY %#@&amp;#! %#@&amp;#! MY T JUST CALLED WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS MESSAGE

He wanted to know if I can come in today at 2.

Because he knows that I will be away in NY this weekend, and will have to miss an appointment.

So he called to tell me he has an opening.

I told him that I would have to run it by my supervisor to find out if I can leave work.

I said I will call him back a bit later.

He said, "I won't run away."

"I won't run away" LOL!! I'm being all codependent here coz I'm feeling anxiety along with you in case he does LOL.

Quick, quick!!

LOL! My supervisor is in a meeting, and I have to ask her if it's alright for me to leave early... I'm like.... OK HURRY THE %#@&#! UP HERE... I DON'T CARE IF HE SAYS HE'S NOT RUNNIN'..... I DON'T HAVE THE MAN ON A LEASH!!!!

By the way, for anyone who wants to read... I posted a poem from my transference series in the creativity forum.

[lauren_helene]

Hey Pink, I agree you always have such thought provoking sessions. He is very attuned to you.

You also should be proud that you can share with him as you do. I still struggle with this a bit.

I'll read your poem, I can't wait!

[sidony]

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pinksoil said:

Feeling disconnect when you are outside of session is awful. Feeling disconnected in session is horrific . I know. I've been there so many times. Best thing to do is let your T know.

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Yeah I said so. It helped. By the end, I thought today's session was really good. :-) it was one of those sessions where he had asked me a question, I gave him my answer, he picked it apart as being crap (my word, not his), I maintained that it was truth, and half an hour later I answered with actual truth. Took me 30 minutes to figure it out of course, but that was productive. Sometimes I have to be clunked over the head to experience insight.

I told him how I've just been living day to day, have felt very shallow and disconnected, and how I don't have any goals lately. I said I didn't even have any goals for group therapy. His response: "Oh, I can give you one of those." Not that I'm having much luck in group since I'm too frikkin' self-conscious to say the things I should say. But maybe I'll be better able to try later on. Who knows.

Anyway it was a good session. Pink, I hope you got to leave early to see your t! I'll check for one of your poems later on too....

Sidony

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:

I get there and he looks good. But I'm not ready to talk about that kind of transference yet.

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I know what you mean. I tried to tell my therapist today in my usual round about way that I have more to say in this area but am afraid to. I said more than that and I think I offended him because he said he's smart enough to know what is going on with me and that when I talk about my husband/father etc that he's included in that and not separate. I need to explore this a bit. He didn't seem mad but his word choices tell me that I said this in a way that offended him...a usual problem with me.