The Couch 102, Buckle My Shoe!

Console yourself with the thought that your laundry basket will never contain more clothes than you own.

Good luck Growly!

Good luck!!

I'm feeling pretty accomplished today. I started the day getting up early and joining 3 of my coworkers for our volunteer trash-pickup along the main road by work. We worked for 2 hours today, it was cold when we started (well, cold being relative of course considering we're in southern AZ!) but a beautiful morning by the time we were walking back to our cars. Came home and folded one load of laundry and did another. Went out and bought a new shirt to wear to the Melissa Etheridge concert Tuesday night (and it was on sale even - $7.95 and it's pretty!) and new flood light bulbs for the back patio because there weren't any when we moved in, got them put up, paid some bills, now I'm going to relax and have me some Saturday and a glass of wine!

I had huge plans for house repairs today. So huge they seemed impossible, got depressed, and just blew them off under the guise of "researching how to best fix them" aka there's always tomorrow.

Hope the couch had a good Saturday!

I had a pretty good day for the first time in a while. The last few days have been horrendous. I went to a celebratory brunch for a former client and it was fun at an amazing place I would never ordinarily go. The food was crazy amazing. It is always fun to go to places where we are the only white people. We met a really good girl who is 6, but reading really well already. We came home and did some cleaning and organization stuff at home (which I usually get too overwhelmed to do). I went back over to the little girl's family house and gave them some of my daughter's old books. Very cool girl. It was fun talking to her.

Good luck to everyone on a job search! SM, I tackled my house stuff by just picking one small thing to do at time. First was cleaning the ceiling fan blades. Which made me notice the cobwebs on the ceiling, so I put a towel on a broom and did that. Which knocked off the white bumpy crap that is all over the ceiling, so then I had to vacuum. Etc. One little thing at a time.

It's funny how thinking about doing things is much more attractive than actually doing them. I'm sitting here thinking about writing the card I've been meaning to write for weeks to my friend who just got married. I know exactly what to write and I'm mentally writing it in my head but I don't want to grab the card, which is sitting in the box of crap right in front of me, and write it for real. Anyone else think this sh^t is just weird?...

Today all the awful events of the past few weeks and especially the past week hit me hard. I'm not even sure where the day went. My impression of it is that I spent it curled up in my armchair alternately dozing and petting the cat huddled on my lap. I'm not even sure I ate or drank anything.

Now I'm going to curl up on the couch.

That really sucks. Are there coping methods your therapist can help you with? *offers hugs*
*offers hugs*

I did eventually end up talking to my mother today. And gained some painful insight into just why I am the way I am...
She will never admit when she is annoyed at me. Hell, I think she's spent so long denying her annoyance that I don't think she even recognizes when she's annoyed at me. She gets passive aggressively nasty though, and I'm so used to it I barely even notice. Well, I do notice, but I tend to think that I am wrong to be upset. Or just straight up inferior.
Today she made some comment that the stbx would find someone else and forget about me and that would take care of the problem. That hurt, not because I want him back, but because of the history... Freakin' complicated. It was a horrible thing for her to say to me. Then when I defended myself by saying I would take care of the problem first by finding someone myself she laughed and told me I'd need to get a move on. I'm really not ready to even think about relationships yet, I'm too heartbroken. And too bloody scared. She knows that well.
I'm constantly on guard around other women. I'm afraid they'll turn on me like that.
Btw, she was annoyed because she had to call me when I was supposed to call her and my daughter didn't like the birthday present she sent and I'm not the type to make my child pretend for other people's benefit. Bear in mind I just talked to her yesterday. She's also pissed because my aunt told her not to be calling me every day, that I'm too busy to talk all the time.

I realize I'm afraid to get too close to other women too for fear they might never leave me alone... Expect me to spend hours on the phone with them every other day... :/

Hi, couch.

Well, I am home and fed. I ate at Chili's after CVS. I woke up today...washed my labcoat for work, then did my regular laundry. Then I took a nap until I had to leave for CVS. CVS was so-so. Very understaffed today. For most of my shift, it was just me and the pharmacist and a million and one people wanting something.

I am just trying to think of how to word a question for pdoc now, so that I can type up the email. Don't worry...I did have any alcholoic beverages while at Chili's. I just can't find the exact words I want to use.

I had to reschedule my appointment (I was supposed to see him this Monday) and there wasn't another opening for about 15-16 days. Heh. I am hoping that is not too long to wait for my injection. I don't like getting the injections, but I don't want to screw anything up and have to start over and get even more shots. Just how to word the question is it. And how to explain why I had to reschedule, so he doesn't accuse my of avoidance and non-compliance.

To h e l l with it. I am tired. I'll sleep on it and write it tomorrow, after my forever long never-ending CVS day.

Mmmm, I love Chilli's

I've been clearing up the fallen palm leaves in the garden.

You have no idea.

If a volcano hit here right now, future archaeologists would think this is a laundry basket parking lot.

Since I did a couple of repair type things after getting encouragement here, I should be tired. I'm like that kid in the restaurant way past bedtime who's been given soda and a sucker! You know, my kids. and so at 2 am I'm not sleeping, because I'm being haunted by the Ghost of DIY Projects Yet To Come. Oy!

hey couch. i had the evening to myself cuz son is spending the night with a friend and hubby had a delivery up to Scottsdale, so I spent the time rocking out to Melissa Etheridge songs on youtube in preparation for the concert Tuesday evening! And this one song of hers that I've loved since it came out in 1988, "Precious Pain", I feel like it really paints a picture of where I was when I first walked into current t's office and I have this crazy idea that I want to sing the song for her on Thursday, is that stupid and totally lame? I have come so very very far from the closed up little person who she first met 4 years ago. And I guess that singing a song sitting there in front of her would be a ginormous thing as far as confidence in myself goes. So an example of how much I have changed for the better because of therapy, if I can manage to do it. I have sung the song at least 5 times tonight already thinking about it. I love to sing, and I did sing once for her a short little song of my own, during a phone session awhile back. That was hard enough. I wonder if I could actually do it in person. But it's probably a really stupid idea. Ugh.

Hugs to all who want / need them!

so i have spent the week with some awesome people telling me how much they love me all the time . and i feel nothing . go i am such a self centered spoiled brat . i have dissipated my best friend from my life .my farther is no longer talking to me because i refuse to go to my grandmothers 100th birthday party. she treats me horrible and wouldn't care if i was there at all .but my farther wanted me to go so if i didn't i was scum as usual . im not worth standing up for as far as he is concerned . i just feel nothing

Artemis, I am shy but a few years ago I sang during my session and I felt wonderful!! You can do it if you want! I like to sing but usually sing by myself.

granite, you don't have to feel guilty for not going to your grandma's party. Why be with people who treat you badly? I'm sorry you're having a hard time now.

DO IT. I'm going to look up that Melissa Etheridge song! I really like her Lucky DVD.
Granite, you just are going through a REALLY hard time right now, please don't beat yourself up for not feeling other people's care for you. It is really hard to do (impossible?) when you hate yourself so much. That doesn't mean it isn't true or even that you don't appreciate it, but when you feel so, so terrible about yourself, it can be impossible to let that care in.

I was talking a little bit to my T yesterday about how I really don't want to go to this roller derby practice tonight (my 2nd time, and its something i have wanted to try for YEARS but have been too afraid to do it), because the voice inside of me is screaming at me "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD." She said that voice is trying to destroy me one bit at a time, and I need to tell it to shut up I said it isn't that easy, and she knows it isn't, but I said I'd try. So, maybe you could try to?

Morning couch.

I was going to sleep in until closer to CVS time, but I am wide awake and can't sleep anymore. I have a little over an hour before I have to leave.

I guess, I should try to construct the pdoc email.

It's in the 60s here, and my downstairs neighbors are running their a/c.

I do this, too. I can mentally compose an e-mail but then never send it. For me, I often want to communicate with people, but then am afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I end up not doing it. I told my T the other day that sometimes I'll buy cards for people, like "Thinking of You" type cards and then never send them because I'm unsure of exactly what to say or am afraid for some reason the person will have a negative reaction to it. My T said that's kind of a perfect example for how my brain works--having good thoughts and intentions, but being afraid to follow through on them.

I know that might not be the same as what you're talking about--just made me think of it. You might be referring more to a lack of motivation thing, which I also have issues with...

I do that....

Its sunday morning - better to hear the ac than "other stuff".