[skysblue]

I cancelled this week's appointment with my therapist because I'm feeling so hurt. I'm considering quitting therapy with her altogether. I've worked with her for 5 years and I've trusted her and depended on her and she's gotten me through some really tough times.

But, Sunday, she let me down and I don't know how to recover from it. See, my S.O. dumped me on Sunday. Needless to say, it was a very traumatic day.

I texted T what had happened and she knows me well enough that she could understand how overwhelmed I was with surging emotions. And she knows that I don't expect 'therapy' by text.

But, I guess what I do expect is a simple quick text telling me that she knows of my suffering and is looking forward to our meeting this week.

This is a response she's made to me many times in the past.

But, Sunday - nothing. So I felt a double whammy. I was abandoned by my S.O. AND abandoned by my T. I am heartsick.

I've already texted her to cancel this week's appointment. And she asked, "Are you sure?' I decided to be honest and said, "I'm mad at you." Her reply, "I'll keep the slot available if you change your mind."

She has been my emotional support for quite some time and now I feel like she's kicked me in the teeth.

This double abandonment is crushing and of course, my T would encourage me to come to her to talk about it. But I don't feel I can trust her now. Her actions spoke volumes.

[Serzen]

Maybe she's trying to see if you can manage on your own.

[sjkero]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I cancelled this week's appointment with my therapist because I'm feeling so hurt. I'm considering quitting therapy with her altogether. I've worked with her for 5 years and I've trusted her and depended on her and she's gotten me through some really tough times.

But, Sunday, she let me down and I don't know how to recover from it. See, my S.O. dumped me on Sunday. Needless to say, it was a very traumatic day.

I texted T what had happened and she knows me well enough that she could understand how overwhelmed I was with surging emotions. And she knows that I don't expect 'therapy' by text.

But, I guess what I do expect is a simple quick text telling me that she knows of my suffering and is looking forward to our meeting this week.

This is a response she's made to me many times in the past.

But, Sunday - nothing. So I felt a double whammy. I was abandoned by my S.O. AND abandoned by my T. I am heartsick.

I've already texted her to cancel this week's appointment. And she asked, "Are you sure?' I decided to be honest and said, "I'm mad at you." Her reply, "I'll keep the slot available if you change your mind."

She has been my emotional support for quite some time and now I feel like she's kicked me in the teeth.

This double abandonment is crushing and of course, my T would encourage me to come to her to talk about it. But I don't feel I can trust her now. Her actions spoke volumes.

I'm so sorry... and I have to tell you, I could have written this post myself. Does she know why you're mad at her? You didn't mention that part, so I'm curious if/how she responded with why she didn't acknowledge your text.

My advice would be to talk through it... and through it... and through it. I'm the queen of beating a dead horse. I don't think I've ever gotten over the times my T has let me down, but those conversations have been some of the most raw, vulnerable ones we've ever had.

[LonesomeTonight]

I would also suggest going to your session and talking through it. That's helped me when I've been mad/hurt by my T or marriage counselor. It's difficult, but it's good to express your pain and disappointment to them. They expect clients to get upset at them--they can handle it.

It's nice that she's holding the slot open--shows she cares.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I would also suggest going to your session and talking through it. That's helped me when I've been mad/hurt by my T or marriage counselor. It's difficult, but it's good to express your pain and disappointment to them. They expect clients to get upset at them--they can handle it.

It's nice that she's holding the slot open--shows she cares.

Yes. This. I too, would suggest going to your session and discussing it with her even though you're hurt.

[stopdog]

I find, for me, not going in these sorts of situations is better. Not because it does anything to the therapist - it does not, but because it gives me time to regroup and clarify how to approach the situation.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Serzen

Maybe she's trying to see if you can manage on your own.

She's knows I can manage. All I wanted was that someone out there would know of my pain. Just an acknowledgment. T's the only one I confide in about these matters.

Originally Posted by sjkero

I'm so sorry... and I have to tell you, I could have written this post myself. Does she know why you're mad at her? You didn't mention that part, so I'm curious if/how she responded with why she didn't acknowledge your text.

My advice would be to talk through it... and through it... and through it. I'm the queen of beating a dead horse. I don't think I've ever gotten over the times my T has let me down, but those conversations have been some of the most raw, vulnerable ones we've ever had.
.

I had included in my text, "I'm sick and tired of telling my same story over and over again. I bore myself and everyone around me. I need to take a break from me."

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I would also suggest going to your session and talking through it. That's helped me when I've been mad/hurt by my T or marriage counselor. It's difficult, but it's good to express your pain and disappointment to them. They expect clients to get upset at them--they can handle it.

It's nice that she's holding the slot open--shows she cares. I know T's expect clients to get upset. We've been through some other things and she always invites me to bring up any issues I have with her.

I guess I don't see it that way. It's not difficult for her to keep the slot open since she's not taking new clients at the moment.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

Yes. This. I too, would suggest going to your session and discussing it with her even though you're hurt.

I'm considering it but it's hard.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I find, for me, not going in these sorts of situations is better. Not because it does anything to the therapist - it does not, but because it gives me time to regroup and clarify how to approach the situation.

I hear you. Sometimes, though, talking to T speeds up the regrouping.

[Ellahmae]

It is hard, but pushing through the hard (as cliche and annoying as it sounds) helps us gain insights and growth. I hope you can work through it no matter what you choose.

[velcro003]

I am chiming in with going and letting her know you were hurt by her non-response on Sunday. Maybe she was super busy? Or had a sick friend or family member, or saw the text while she was doing something else and then forgot to reply later? I am guilty of that last one!

There are a ton of reasons why she didn't answer, and you will only spin out until you talk to her about it-and waiting another week will probably only heighten your anxiety.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

It is hard, but pushing through the hard (as cliche and annoying as it sounds) helps us gain insights and growth. I hope you can work through it no matter what you choose.

I just texted T and wrote, "Every fiber of my body is taut with the message that I don't want to see you. I'm reading Brene Brown about courage and I want to be courageous while at the same time knowing that courage brings pain and hurt. I'd like to find peaceful refuge in cowardice."

[wotchermuggle]

Do you think continuing to text (and possibly cryptic ones at that) is the best choice? I'm only asking, not judging.

[Pennster]

Do you think it's possible that she didn't see the message, or saw it and there was some technical glitch in replying or something? That has happened a few times with my therapist. If I don't hear back from him within a reasonable amount of time I usually contact him again and then he usually tells me that his phone was problematic or the return message hadn't sent properly or something. It's always worked out to be a technical problem or an oversight.

But I know how painful it can be not to hear back- I really hope you will go to the session and find out why she didn't reply.

[atisketatasket]

It's not clear to me that you're positive that she got the text and positive that she deliberately didn't deliberately reply. I've had texts sent to me and texts I sent go astray.

Unless I missed it, you've said nothing that indicates she even knows why you're mad at her. And the fact that she's still texting you suggests maybe something just went wrong this weekend. I'd want to find out if I were you.

Sorry that this is so upsetting. I hope things resolve themselves.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I just texted T and wrote, "Every fiber of my body is taut with the message that I don't want to see you. I'm reading Brene Brown about courage and I want to be courageous while at the same time knowing that courage brings pain and hurt. I'd like to find peaceful refuge in cowardice."

My old T would never hav responded to a message like this as she would have seen it as my struggle to go or not go and ethically she wouldn't push me one way or another.

I vote for go, go and be mad or sad or otherwise, go and have your feelings because stewing on it for a week is not useful.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

It is hard, but pushing through the hard (as cliche and annoying as it sounds) helps us gain insights and growth. I hope you can work through it no matter what you choose.

I know you're right. Instinct is to hide and avoid but one thing I've learned in therapy is that hiding does not work. You may squelch the pain temporarily or numb it but it's there ready to show up when least expected

Originally Posted by velcro003

I am chiming in with going and letting her know you were hurt by her non-response on Sunday. Maybe she was super busy? Or had a sick friend or family member, or saw the text while she was doing something else and then forgot to reply later? I am guilty of that last one!

There are a ton of reasons why she didn't answer, and you will only spin out until you talk to her about it-and waiting another week will probably only heighten your anxiety.

I guess I believe my T is capable of a short acknowledgment of my suffering. I didn't expect to receive 'therapy' through text - just a "it hurts, I know. we'll talk soon."

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Do you think continuing to text (and possibly cryptic ones at that) is the best choice? I'm only asking, not judging.

The texting 'protocol' that T and I have is simple. She allows (even encourages) me to vent my emotions with text. We've found that when I share emotions that are 'alive' at the moment, she knows better what's going on with me. If I try to relate the emotion days later, it may have already descended into forgetfulness.

The protocol also includes her not needing to reply unless I specifically request it. That agreement is helpful to me because then I feel more free to vent.

That being said, many times she DOES reply with a few words of encouragement. Given that Sunday's emotions were off the chart, I'm beyond hurt that she didn't even acknowledge me.

I don't text her that often - just when emotions are hot. Months can go by without me contacting her that way.

Originally Posted by Pennster

Do you think it's possible that she didn't see the message, or saw it and there was some technical glitch in replying or something? That has happened a few times with my therapist. If I don't hear back from him within a reasonable amount of time I usually contact him again and then he usually tells me that his phone was problematic or the return message hadn't sent properly or something. It's always worked out to be a technical problem or an oversight.

But I know how painful it can be not to hear back- I really hope you will go to the session and find out why she didn't reply.

I sent her multiple messages. Like I stated above, when my emotions are on fire, she's o.k. with me venting with text. I don't expect therapy from her via text but sometimes when it's a very tough situation, she WILL reply. That's why it's so painful that I got nothing from her Sunday or Monday

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

It's not clear to me that you're positive that she got the text and positive that she deliberately didn't deliberately reply. I've had texts sent to me and texts I sent go astray.

Unless I missed it, you've said nothing that indicates she even knows why you're mad at her. And the fact that she's still texting you suggests maybe something just went wrong this weekend. I'd want to find out if I were you.

Sorry that this is so upsetting. I hope things resolve themselves.

You're right - I can't be absolutely positive she knows why I'm upset. But she's a very smart person who has known me for 5 years. I would be shocked if she didn't have a clue.

[SallyBrown]

Hey skysblue. I remember you. Long time no see.

So... I will echo the other poster who highlighted how cryptic you are being in your messages. This is totally a habit I have and I am not in any way judging you for it.

If I were you, what I'd be wanting is for your T to RESPOND. To DO something. To say "No! Don't cancel because you're upset. You should come in." I crave having someone else urging me to take care of myself, and when I have the urge to talk to my T like this it's because I want him to step in and take care of me at a time when I am feeling helpless and vulnerable.

You're kind of testing her here -- testing her to see if she knows what she did wrong, testing her to see if she really cares about this self-destructive desire to be alone when you really should be going to her. I don't think I need to tell you that this sort of testing usually doesn't end well. I think you probably know you shouldn't do it, but it can be really hard to resist. Especially when you feel like SHE is the one who should be making this right. You're down and out, why are YOU having to fix this?

But I'll put this other spin on it: you deserve to get an answer about why she didn't respond to your text, in person. If it wasn't your T's policy not to answer texts, then this is NOT the one to skip. Not ok on her part -- but as others have pointed out, she may not have even gotten it, or deleted it somehow, or something really stupid like that. Either way. You deserve an answer, and you deserve an opportunity to settle this one thing, so that you can deal with your partner dumping you.

On that note, I'm really sorry about that. I'm sure things are really hurting right now.

[Serzen]

I don't know, maybe you're just making a lot out of nothing.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Hey skysblue. I remember you. Long time no see.

So... I will echo the other poster who highlighted how cryptic you are being in your messages. This is totally a habit I have and I am not in any way judging you for it.

If I were you, what I'd be wanting is for your T to RESPOND. To DO something. To say "No! Don't cancel because you're upset. You should come in." I crave having someone else urging me to take care of myself, and when I have the urge to talk to my T like this it's because I want him to step in and take care of me at a time when I am feeling helpless and vulnerable.

You're kind of testing her here -- testing her to see if she knows what she did wrong, testing her to see if she really cares about this self-destructive desire to be alone when you really should be going to her. I don't think I need to tell you that this sort of testing usually doesn't end well. I think you probably know you shouldn't do it, but it can be really hard to resist. Especially when you feel like SHE is the one who should be making this right. You're down and out, why are YOU having to fix this?

But I'll put this other spin on it: you deserve to get an answer about why she didn't respond to your text, in person. If it wasn't your T's policy not to answer texts, then this is NOT the one to skip. Not ok on her part -- but as others have pointed out, she may not have even gotten it, or deleted it somehow, or something really stupid like that. Either way. You deserve an answer, and you deserve an opportunity to settle this one thing, so that you can deal with your partner dumping you.

On that note, I'm really sorry about that. I'm sure things are really hurting right now.

Hi Sally,
Yep, I've been quiet on this board for quite awhile. My therapy has been going very well and I've not had issues until now.

You are right about my testing her. But, I believe it's her own fault. (Justification on display here) In the past when I've been this upset she has called me and encouraged me to come see her.

So,I can't help but feel abandoned by her. It's very painful coming on top of the abandonment feelings precipitated by my girlfriend dumping me.

I DID text T again this afternoon "I've been trying to weigh which will hurt worse - seeing you or not. So, f'k it, I'll come in."

On the upside (I'm just realizing this) - focusing on my T is lessening my focus on feelings of abandonment by my gf.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Serzen

I don't know, maybe you're just making a lot out of nothing.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. This feels like salt being rubbed into my wound

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have had a miscommunication with my T and she hurt me and let me down. The best thing I did was talk to her about it at my next session. She knew she had let me down and we talked about it and there was some miscommunication on my part that I would not have seen had we not talked about it in person. I say go and give her a chance to explain. Maybe she didn't see it.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by skysblue

The texting 'protocol' that T and I have is simple. She allows (even encourages) me to vent my emotions with text. We've found that when I share emotions that are 'alive' at the moment, she knows better what's going on with me. If I try to relate the emotion days later, it may have already descended into forgetfulness.

The protocol also includes her not needing to reply unless I specifically request it. That agreement is helpful to me because then I feel more free to vent.

That being said, many times she DOES reply with a few words of encouragement. Given that Sunday's emotions were off the chart, I'm beyond hurt that she didn't even acknowledge me.

I don't text her that often - just when emotions are hot. Months can go by without me contacting her that way.

You're right - I can't be absolutely positive she knows why I'm upset. But she's a very smart person who has known me for 5 years. I would be shocked if she didn't have a clue.

What I meant when I asked you whether it is a good idea to continue to text (and possibly cryptically with the quotation) is that you haven't actually said why you're mad (unless I'm mistaken) and you're assuming she can figure it out on her own.

From an outsider's view, it seems like you're just causing more pain for yourself by not actually addressing the issue, but rather dancing around it.

If she's so open to texts, why not text "I'm mad because of X" instead of the quotation and assumptions she knows what the problem is.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Ouch, ouch, ouch. This feels like salt being rubbed into my wound

But maybe it redirected your focus, from t's inaction to the gf's action. Maybe t was waiting to hear a particular thing from you / didnt want to fill in the space.

Eta - im sorry this happened.

I'm sorry your T let you down. I got upset with T one time and told him, "I'm not coming next week!" His response, "I expect you to be here." I was pissed, but it was good to talk it out and clear the air. Hope you can work things out.

[Serzen]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Ouch, ouch, ouch. This feels like salt being rubbed into my wound

Sorry, not my intention. But maybe you should just wait until you can speak with your T, either to keep going or not to anymore.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Something horrible happened in your life and you instinctively turned to someone you've come to trust and feel is supportive of you. And when you weren't supported, you were naturally hurt.

Let's be practical here. The reason why this hurt is because you expected (perhaps not consciously, or even with real thought) your therapist to support you outside the therapy session.

To quote Pretty Woman: Big mistake. Huge.

Although, I doubt it was really your fault. I would put money on it that your therapist, like so many others, has encouraged connection and the sort of dependence which would make turning to her in your time of need entirely natural.

I don't think therapists have any business billing themselves as support. Unless they allow the same sort of unrestricted contact a friend or family member would (which is rare for obvious reasons) they aren't support.

Sorry you were so hurt, and sorry therapists keep creating this mishmash muddle where they want to be everything for one hour a week and nothing the rest. It's a ridiculous premise, and a lot of people get hurt because of it.