T Let Me Down

Therapy is full of inherent contradictions.
That might be part of how it works.

I'm glad you decided to keep your appointment. If it's your agreement that she'll reply if you ask (and it doesn't sound like you asked her to reply) I can't see anything in this where she abandoned you. The text that you shared here takes effort to try to decipher, so if your Sunday text was in a similar vein, I can see why she would have seen it as venting without need for a reply.

I do think that a good therapist tries to give us what we ask for. We can't get upset if they follow protocol we've set up. Also, as you point out, there was some transferring of your relationship hurt. In a way, her non-response to your non-request has been a good experience?

Do you really believe that anyone, including a therapist, can be expected to be available 24/7? I don't think there's anything with fostering some healthy dependence for the sake of healing, but expecting someone to be on call for you is
another thing.

I agree with this a lot, and just wanted to add something related to the idea of expectations. Yesterday, in fact, my T and I had a conversation about the ways in which she has let me down (the thing is, many times I keep my anger to myself, and then it bubbles up when I hit my limit and then she gets caught off guard... which is what happened). Anyways, she made a comment that stuck with me. She said she knows I want her to read my mind... but she can't. It's just a fact. It'll never happen. We all want people to read our minds and tend to our needs without being prompted. She said she feels the same way in life. We're all human. And then she said, sjkero, you just need to ask for what you need. It's as simple as that.

My point is your T is human just like the rest of us, and may not have interpreted your text as indirectly asking for her support. Just this past weekend I felt really depressed, and a part of me was angry my T didn't sense that... from where she was... telepathically... lol. I literally was upset. Now, it's funny but when you're upset you don't think logically. And then, in my anger and fear of abandonment, I decided to send her a quick text. I said, "Please let me know you're there. I just need to know that." And she wrote back, "I'm here, sjkero." And for some reason it was all I needed. And I had asked for it. I feel proud of that.

Sorry, that was wordier than it needed to be. Hope my little story helped.

I can completely understand why would feel hurt. There have been times when I've texted my T outside of session and she hasn't responded and I've felt hurt, too. That said, I don't think it is realistic to expect her to text you back on a Sunday. Even if she has done so in the past, weekends are expected to be time away from work and with family/friends. The agreement you have with her is also that you're allowed to text-- and sometimes she will respond and sometimes she won't. She didn't break an agreement; she just didn't respond the way you wanted her to. I think wanting that response from her is totally understandable and human-- but I also think it's understandable that she didn't respond. She didn't do anything "wrong" either. No one did. She just decided not to respond to your text at that time. I really hope that you will go to your session and talk this through with her. When my T has hurt by feelings by being unavailable, it's really sucked-- but I've hung in there and talked it through with her. I always feel better afterwards. I hope that you can talk this through with her and come out feeling better also.

Just wanted to reiterate that you should talk it through with her. When my marriage counselor and I had a misunderstanding over the summer involving boundaries, it felt like a knife through my heart--like I literally felt pain in my chest. That was largely due to transference and stuff from my past rather than him specifically, but there was still the instinct to run away. But I still went to our regular appointment that Monday, and (along with my H), we talked through it some then. Thought I was OK, then a few days later started feeling upset again. So I brought it up in the next session. Then the session after that, when I was finally satisfied with his response and explanation. I think it ultimately strengthened our relationship, and I feel more secure with him now. (It also helped me understand some more stuff about my childhood and past relationships, which I explored with my individual T.)

So I think it's good you're planning to keep the appointment. Be open about what you're feeling right now. Anger, disappointment, etc. She can handle it. Hopefully she can explain what happened and make you feel secure with her and that she still cares. Maybe you can come up with a way in the future to let her know when you do want a response to a text. I've only texted T and MC a couple times, but with e-mails, if I want a response, I generally say something like, "Please at least let me know you received this." Then they'll usually say a couple lines, too. Otherwise, I've learned that I shouldn't really expect a response.

That's missing the point. It's not whether a T should be available 24/7. The answer to that is: of course not!

The point I was trying to make is that therapists wiggle their way into a client's psyche and place themselves in the closest ring of confidantes: ie, in the place the people who ARE available to us 24/7 are. My partner is available 24/7, so are my close friends.

Through the therapeutic relationship, therapists deliberately create (I would almost say demand) that level of trust and personal importance as well. In fact, so called 'good' therapy is apparently predicated on this relationship.

So when something terrible like a breakup happens, a client instinctively turns to the therapist - only to be rebuffed, because 'that's not appropriate'. The fantasy of the nurturing therapist, and the reality of a professional acting in an exchange of cash for services becomes blindingly clear in that moment.

I think this notion of dependence on a therapist is inherently toxic. There is no depending on a therapist, ever, and it should never be sold that way. That creates a tension between what a client naturally wants to do, and what the business relationship they're engaging in actually allows them to do.

Some people might argue that they can depend on their therapists, and maybe they can in some ways, sometimes, and for now. But this board is metaphorically littered with people who have been suddenly smacked in the nose with the fact that therapist isn't actually as close, or as connected as they might have been led to believe.

99% of the pain I've observed in therapy, reading this board, is people struggling, and usually failing to manage the cognitive dissonance that arises from what therapy pretends to be, and what it actually is.

Or maybe ts are just human, and like any other human, sometimes they DO let you down. No one is perfect. Except maybe Kimye.

And generally speaking, you are right and I agree. But it doesn't seem to apply in this situation - it sure sounded like the OP and her therapist had worked out something about support by text, not just in the current crisis but in previous ones, and that what was bothering the OP was an unexpected failure to respond by the therapist.

Yes, my T and I have an agreement and normally I don't expect a response. The thing is - she has always responded in the past when the issue is BIG - when my emotions are blazing hot.

So, I believe she set me up for expectation because that's been her pattern - to not respond when it's just thoughts or mild emotions (although sometimes she does anyway) and to respond when I'm in a real emotional crisis.

I'm a good client, I believe. I do not pester her with texts. Like I mentioned before, I can go months without contacting her out of session.

Are you absolutely sure your T rec'd your text? My T usually doesn't reply to my texts, but always makes sure I know she rec'd my text at the next session. Just thought perhaps you should consider that texts can be missed or just not delivered as in the past. I, too, think you have a chance to work through some interesting, though painful, issues by going in to your appt. Whatever your decision, be sure that it's the best one for you, not as a way to make a statement to your T.

Ouch! But I would d try and get past the hurt and attend session and protest how you felt.

I want to thank everyone who offered their ideas on this post. You’ve helped me a lot. That’s why I’m grateful the PsychCentral exists. Although the support is out there in the ‘ether’, it’s real support nonetheless.

Can I share with you my process of coping the past 3 days? Although it usually isn’t a good story if you know how it ends, I will still fast forward to 18 hours ago. (hmmm, is it possible to fast-forward to the past? Lol). I mean, fast-forward the story.

18 hours ago, peace descended upon me – in regards to my ex-gf and my T. I now feel like a newborn baby. The baby exits the womb crying with pain. It’s been through the most difficult experience – being born. It was safe and comfortable being cocooned within her mother but it’s not possible to stay where there’s no possibility of real human life – life in which one grows and expands and learns. Life in the outside world where bumping into each other can hurt but also where communion with each other can be enriching and satisfying and joyful.

I feel like I was just birthed. Those 2 ½ days were excruciating and I didn’t know or didn’t even think that there would be a life beyond the pain. I imagine the birthing baby feels the same way.

But, I’ve come to the other side. And, I now know the pain was worth it. Self- reflection can be grueling. Absolute honesty with oneself can be terrifying.

Sunday I got knocked down in a very painful way. Part of the pain was that I had decided to embrace vulnerability with my now ex-gf. It wasn’t a new practice but I went towards some deeper risk where I hadn’t gone before.

I was very scared of exposing myself completely but I pushed through because I ‘preach’ the practice of total honesty while at the same time finding it difficult to always embrace.

Well, my self-exposure didn’t turn out the way I had expected. Instead, I felt like I got kicked in the teeth and thrown to the ground with my mouth bloody and filled with dirt and grit.

It was probably one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had. My inner animal was howling in agony. I needed some help- some soothing. There was no one to talk to. Only my T knows my story and would know how utterly devastating my experience was. And, naturally, I reached out to her because she’s helped me so much in the past. She’s whom I lean on when I can’t stand up by myself.

Lately I haven’t needed to lean on her much. I’ve learned how to respond to the challenges life can bring in more wholesome and balanced ways.

Sunday I was knocked off my feet and needed some help to get up. When T didn’t even acknowledge that she heard me, my day got doubly excruciating. And, the interesting part of this is that I directed my pain more towards her than to my ex-gf. Although a part of me knew that was unfair, my therapist has always encouraged me to be real with my emotions and especially emotions towards her. She believes that emotions directed towards our therapists are representative of issues in the other parts of our lives.

So, I began to feel ‘hate’ towards my T which was actually feelings of ‘hate’ towards my ex-gf. This is a transference that is not uncommon. T provided a direction for me to throw my darts. She even texted me after I told her that I was mad at her – “Would love to have you mad at me”. She knows very well how ‘rich’ (as she calls it), this kind of transference can be.

So, how did I get through the fire? There was a part of me that wanted escape from the pain so much that I toyed with the idea of finding some alcohol and drinking myself into a stupor (and I don’t drink) or to take some sleeping pills and to sleep the rest of my life away or to do something radical like running away and getting lost to never be found again.

I did not entertain those ideas seriously because I knew they wouldn’t work. I may drown the pain temporarily but it won’t be permanently relieved by those make-shift approaches.

I decided to reach out to the ‘guru’ of vulnerability, Brene Brown, to try to understand why vulnerability is a good thing. I had read one of her books some time ago and had watched some of her talks on YouTube. I knew her lesson was that vulnerability is necessary but I couldn’t remember why the pain that might accompany vulnerability is good.

So, I guess I was angry at Brene Brown too. In my opinion she had some answering to do. And, d.mn it, she’s better come up with some good answers.

I downloaded onto my Kindle Sunday night (I didn’t want to wait to purchase a book on Monday), “Rising Strong”. I can’t tell you how much that book has made a difference.

While reading it, I felt my perspective shifting and I began to engage in some honest self-inquiry. I also began to question the ‘story’ around the painful incident. (Bryon Katie has a lot to say about our ‘stories)

I kept pushing for the ‘truth’. How had I contributed to the incident? How had my ‘story’ made the incident more painful? What was really going on?

I could have stayed stuck in blame and accusation and remained a victim for the rest of my life. But I didn’t like the feelings I was having. I didn’t like the anger or the resentment. I don’t want to be that kind of person. (I do understand that anger is a part of us that must be acknowledged but we do not need to live our lives there)

I wanted to get through the pain – not suppress it, not bury it, not smother it, not hide it. Getting through it means that I would be free of its enslavement.

But emotions are tricky. They’re hard to figure out. We come at them with a frontal charge and we’re defeated in vanquishing them. We try to ignore them and they push themselves forward. We try to imprison them but their threat is always there. So, how to make friends with emotions so that they can teach us about ourselves is one big mystery to me.

But, something worked for me this time. I credit Brene Brown, my own intense investigation, and you folks at PC for helping me pass through the fire.

Yesterday afternoon, the heavy cloak of anger, resentment, pain, blame was lifted from me. It just dissolved. I don’t know why or how but like I said in previous paragraph, I think it was all about challenging the painful story I had become attached to.

So, I called my ex-gf and we had a great chat and we’ll be able to remain friends. I can do it because I understand better. And I will be seeing my T this afternoon and will share with her this story too.

I'm sorry you're had to go through those feelings. But the way you were able to sit through the fire and emerge with new insight is really courageous and admirable!

I am so sorry both of those two events happened together, break ups are horrendous without the added pressure of a t break up too.
I really can hear how you would feel both angry and abandoned by your t. After five years working together I would really expect a call and an acknowledgement of your anger. This is a chance for more healing and understanding of your process. I hope you can find some resolution with your t today. I would want to talk about her lack of empathy and understanding around this.

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Well... just finished having session with T. It was wonderful. I thank all of you so much for encouraging me to talk to her. I did begin the conversation by telling her that the angry, resentful, pouty Skysblue had gone back to where she normally lives and the open-hearted, centered Skysblue was present instead.

I was frank with her about my feelings of hurt and disappointment and I truly believe her when she said she hadn't understood the depth of my pain and had thought I had texted that she didn't need to respond. She was very sorry she hadn't 'shown up' for me and suggested that I call her in the future if I'm in such a crisis.

Like I've said before, she's awesome and I won't share her with you . She is so ready and willing to be present with any of my feelings even if and especially if they're directed towards her.

And, she knows I've posted on PC in the past and I've invited her to take a look at this post of mine. I don't want to hide anything from her. If I can't be honest and authentic with my therapist, how will I learn to be honest and authentic with the people IRL that I'm close to?

It's in session and with my relationship with her that I can practice being 'real'.

Thanks again, everyone.

Awesome job Sky!