[justdesserts]

I had therapy today and the first thing my t told me (because I asked how he was) was that his mother is dying within the next couple of days. We talked about what happened, how he felt about his mom, etc. It was a very honest conversation and very heart to heart. We say often that we love each other and that was clear today in our conversation. He also said that he "didn't imagine he'd be telling many clients that the mother died," but we know and understand each other, so he felt okay about it. He was very clear that therapy was supposed to be about me not him, so after our conversation, we switched back to my "issues", but I went very soft on him today. I know he's hurting terribly and will be taking time off for the funeral, and I think he rearranged his schedule, so he could see me today before going out of town. I guess I have three questions.

First, was his disclosure and our conversation appropriate, or did it cross some boundary into being too personal/intimate?

Second, how long should I be gentle with him? This is hard for me because we've been making great progress, but I feel like this could be a setback.

Third, would it be appropriate for me to give him a sympathy note or something like it, or should I just pretend like nothing happened the next time I see him?

Thanks so much for your advice.

[ejayy78]

I think some people will debate whether or not it was appropriate or not that you guys talked about your t's life today. But you did say that he was clear that the session was about you and not him, so, to me at least, it seems like that was an appropriate conversation. When my t's grandmother died we talked about it a little bit since she mentioned her a lot prior to her death and I knew they were very close. So I've been in a similar situation with my t, and she handled it the same way your t seems to be.

I don't think you should worry about being gentle with your t, but I'm not saying that from a heartless place at all. I understand why you asked that question. It sounds like he is taking time off, and to me that means he will (or should be) be taking time to process/deal with grief and other feelings. Like your t said, therapy is about you. They are trained to work with clients admist their personal life--tragedies and all. A healthy t knows their limits and how something like a death could possibly impact their wellbeing, and should take time off as needed. You could give him a card, but I also believe spoken condolences are just as meaningful as well.

Hope I could help a little!

[growlycat]

I have been with my longterm T through the death of both of his parents. I wrote him a lengthy note saying how much he means to me and how much I wish I could take the hurt away. He was touched by the note.

I don't think this is unusual in "closer" T/client relationships. The person coming in short term to help kick a habit may not be the client T would tell something like this to.

[tealBumblebee]

1) I think that the disclosure was appropriate if you two have that bond, however I think its always the responsibility of the discloser to consider the ramifications of their disclosure vs. the person who it is being told to. In my case, my T would tell me if she was in the situation - but she knows the kind of relationship we have and considers when and how much of something she will relay in perspective to where I am and how my knowing would affect me.

2) I don't think that after todays session you will need to be as gentle. I get the feeling of obligation to be nice, but in my experience, the disclosure should not come up in more than one more session and therefore time and continued sessions should automatically ease you into getting back to "your norm". You are still the client, and disclosing this news to you is fine but turning into a weekly session about how it is affecting him is for him and his own T, especially if it is affecting him greatly.

3) I think a sympathy card is both compassionate and appropriate.

These are all my opinions, take them with a grain of salt.

[AllHeart]

"First, was his disclosure and our conversation appropriate, or did it cross some boundary into being too personal/intimate?" I guess it depends on how long you discussed his mother and what exactly he disclosed. If it was a brief heart-to-heart, I think that perfectly appropriate given the closeness of your relationship.

"Second, how long should I be gentle with him?" You don't. T said therapy is about you so that tells me he knows his boundaries. If he can't handle the demands of his job during this time, he won't be scheduling anyone in. You do not need to be gentle with him.

"Third, would it be appropriate for me to give him a sympathy note or something like it, or should I just pretend like nothing happened the next time I see him?" You guys share "I love you's." Give the man a card!!!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I, personally, think he disclosed too much information. Now you feel like you have to be different around him. So I don't think it's right for you to feel you need to be gentle with him. But since he did share, a sympathy note would be very appropriate and meaningful.

[feralkittymom]

Unless someone is in a very fragile state, or their condition is such that they would respond badly to such a disclosure, I think it can be a good thing to have occasional moments like this. It's a bit of emotional RL within a relationship that provides a frame for response. It's very honest. Your T sounds like he will take the time he needs, but I would suspect he'll also be sensitive to feelings you might have and encourage you to voice them. And then, move past them.

I think a condolence card is always appropriate.

I'm training to be a T and the way I look at it is this: disclosure should be in the best interests of the client. So in this case, if it is likely he would be affected in session by his feelings about his mother, it would be important to be congruent with you so you don't mistakingly believe you have done something to upset him. If he had been unable to be present for you in session the ethical thing to do would be rearrange the session but it seems like in this case he did the right thing.

[CantExplain]

Technically, a T isn't supposed to divulge stuff like this. It can strengthen the relationship but it can also make it less "therapeutic". It's a judgement call. I think the greatest danger is that you will now expect further confidences in future, which T may not feel able to give.

I I think that it is good he disclosed. It is likely that he may not have been his usual self, and this kind of let's you know why.

[granite1]

my T has started to tell me the reasons she will not be in the office .she does not go into detail about things because i dont ask much . she will tell me if the time off is do to a seminar she needs to go to ,or if it is her b day .or if she has a doc apt or a procedure she needs to have done . ill ask if she is ok and she will answer . before she started doing this i was always thinking that it was because she needed a break from me . ever sense she has been doing this i tend to be more calm about her not being there . it helps me not get in my head and worry about the worse case situation

[doogie]

I think it's fine that he disclosed. I also think it is fine if you aren't "gentle" with him in further appointments and go back to normal. In all honesty, he probably welcomes the opportunity to focus on someone else and not on his own grief for 50 mins. I think a card is appropriate - especially since he brought it up to you.

[Tearinyourhand]

I am going thru a similar situation and T's openness has been really helpful for our work. I get to see him model vulnerability and taking appropriate emotional risks and in response I have been more vulnerable in therapy and with my relationships in my life. there has been a profound shift in how I see myself and observe the ways in which I relate to others that aren't healthy for me. our therapeutic relationship is close but at times incredibly difficult. because he has been vulnerable (admits mistakes, willing to talk about our ruptures etc) I feel like we repair easily and each time the bond strengthens. it might not be ideal for some clients but I think your T was awesome for allowing you to experience him that way. a card is a lovely gesture and also bookends the aspects of his disclosure that aren't focused solely on you.

[stopdog]

I have had a therapist tell me why they they might seem off due to some real life stress going on for them at the moment, but I never took as a request to be easier. I figure if they need a break, they will take one and otherwise it is business as usual. I would not send the card - it is not the sort of relationship I have with the therapist. The therapist does not give me cards - why would I give one to them? For me, it would be mixing personal with business and I dislike that and would not inflict it upon the therapist.

At times I wish T would disclose things about his personal life to me. But, at the same time, I think I would be totally uncomfortable if he did share something like that with me. I think it would change our T/client dynamic, and I wouldn't like that.

[NowhereUSA]

I've worked with my T for almost seven years. We click really well and have a good bond. He has self-disclosed a few times about some very difficult things he was dealing with and it's all been very natural. But I don't go easy on him. He's in charge of himself, I'm not. I don't say that to be cold because I deeply care about my T, but I recognize the relationship dynamic. If he can't deal with his job, then that's his responsibility to recognize. In fact, after one particular disclosure a couple years ago, he was quick to let me know that he was in therapy to help deal with it. I know the situation had wounded him very badly (in something he couldn't foresee, something I said triggered something in him). He did an excellent job of making sure I knew it wasn't my job to take care of him and he apologized for having been triggered. It didn't happen again so I assume he processed it with whomever he was seeing.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

On one hand I think its good he let you know what was going on so that if he as acting different you would know its not something you did. On another hand, I think he shared to much. Now you feel guilty and it is affecting your therapy because you think you need to be careful around him and not talk about certain things.

[Elkino]

I know T's probably do this kind of disclosure because they have the best intentions. Maybe because they feel the situation has an impact on them and they just want to mention it to their clients. In this way disclosure has been helpful to me, because it makes the risk a bit smaller that I would think I make my T feel bad or I would feel something is going on and it would bother me not to know what it is and how serious it is, etc.

But I don't like it when it happens though. As you already mentioned, it can make a client wonder about how to treat their therapist and that can have a big influence on the therapy itself. While therapy should be all about 'you' and not about you trying to do or tell the right things, being extremely careful, etc.

No matter how much I appreciate my T sharing things with me, I sometimes wish she wouldn't. I'm already pretty bad at showing how much I care, so it makes me feel very uncomfortable.