[granite1]

im having such a hard time with my son going to his girlfriends family for thanksgiving. even worse is the fact that they want my husband and i to come for dinner . my T thinks it is a great idea and that my son needs us to go and support him . there is so much more going on for me then my son just going someplace else for thanksgiving . its about my son having a girlfriend in his life that i feel needs to like me and i know in the end wont so my son will stop coming around, feelings that i dont want my son coming around with his girlfriend . im humiliated about who i am i never thought about what it would be like for my son to bring someone in this family . i worry when the mother finds out that i am just horrible and wont want there daughter seeing my son any more. there is so much going on in my head around this other then just going to the girlfriends house . i was trying to tell her about what is going on and she just kind of said stop.and asked what am i doing to my self. i couldnt answer she seemed so annoyed or something . i cant help who i am . i really just want to get my son out of my life because it hurts to have him in it . i feel its better for him to be away from this horribleness. my T agains says he needs me and that im not horrible etc.... she just doesnt get it and i hut so bad i just keep crying .

Granite, your T (and all of here I think) sure wish we could help those negative messages you have bought into just get out of your head. You talk yourself into believing you know what everyone else around you thinks about you or will think about you even before they've had a chance to meet you. At some point you will be able to tell those negative messages to "stop it" and actually be able to hear and believe the truth about yourself that we all see which is that you are a caring, intuitive, dedicated individual. You are talented and artistic. You love your family and your husband and son love you too. Unfortunately, right now you are buying those negative messages hook, line, and sinker and are unable to hear the good and actually believe.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Your son wants you to meet his girlfriend's family because he loves you and you are important to him. I sure wish you could see the person he loves (you) through his eyes instead of the eyes of the mother who tainted any positive view you had of yourself and twisted it into this self-hate. Your T does understand you are distressed, but she sees things about you positively and is trying to help you view yourself more realistically and positively.

[CantExplain]

((Granite))

Forget about the parents for a moment. The important thing is your son's girlfriend. It would be worth an effort to reach out to her. She probably thinks that you don't like her. I'd put money on it. If you could make friends with her, everything else would fall into place. She'd feel welcome at your house and your son would come to visit you.

I know this won't be easy for you, but the stakes are high. Worth a try, I think.

[stopdog]

My interpretation would be that the therapist gets it but does not agree.

[velcro003]

Granite,
I sincerely doubt that your T is annoyed. She maybe was trying to get you to stop berating yourself, because we all know the spiral we can delve into if we just let it all fly. You are NOT HORRIBLE. I know we could all tell you that until we are blue in the face, and you still won't believe it.

If your son truly didn't care about you, he wouldn't invite you over to his girlfriend's house. He does it because he DOES love you. You have a husband and son who love you, and a whole contingent of friends you scrapbook with that don't think you are terrible. I think you need to try and take it one hour or minute at a time on Thanksgiving.

It will be ok. As my T tells me, tell that self-hating voice to shut the eff up! It is loud and relentless and wants to take over your entire being--i get it, but it is also wrong, wrong, wrong.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think that's the same reason I don't date. Can't let anyone see past the facade and know the truth. I couldn't handle that.

[iheartjacques]

I think your T hears how you feel but is disagreeing with your negative self talk. Please go and have a great time. Family is so important. You're not a horrible person and I wish you could see that

[peaches100]

Please don't determine ahead of time that your son's girlfriend won't like you. I know you don't think much of yourself, but think about how many people here on PC like you! You are MUCH more likeable than you realize.

[divine1966]

Is he a minor?

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Originally Posted by divine1966

Is he a minor?

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No, he is an adult.

[JaneTennison1]

You seem to have decided already that you are such a horrible person the whole family won't like you and your T seems to be countering this point. I don't think she doesn't get it, I think she just doesn't agree with your thinking. It's wonderful that both families are trying to come together and if you can try it I think it will be ok, either way it's great material to work on in T. Your son is making you an important part in his life. Go with that if you can.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by granite1

im having such a hard time with my son going to his girlfriends family for thanksgiving. even worse is the fact that they want my husband and i to come for dinner . my T thinks it is a great idea and that my son needs us to go and support him . there is so much more going on for me then my son just going someplace else for thanksgiving . its about my son having a girlfriend in his life that i feel needs to like me and i know in the end wont so my son will stop coming around, feelings that i dont want my son coming around with his girlfriend . im humiliated about who i am i never thought about what it would be like for my son to bring someone in this family . i worry when the mother finds out that i am just horrible and wont want there daughter seeing my son any more. there is so much going on in my head around this other then just going to the girlfriends house . i was trying to tell her about what is going on and she just kind of said stop.and asked what am i doing to my self. i couldnt answer she seemed so annoyed or something . i cant help who i am . i really just want to get my son out of my life because it hurts to have him in it . i feel its better for him to be away from this horribleness. my T agains says he needs me and that im not horrible etc.... she just doesnt get it and i hut so bad i just keep crying .

Your t does get it.

You don't get it.

Your son has one mother. You. How do you think he will feel if you emotionally cut him off, if you abandon him?

Yes it's uncomfortable but you can't grow if you don't sit with the feelings and come through them. You can do this. Your T knows you can. Us here on PC know you can.

Now it's time for you to realize you can. It's scary and hard but you are strong and capable.

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[iheartjacques]

And.. Don't try telling them what a horrible person you are. We are all human and make mistakes. We can choose to make good choices. And one of them is letting your son have the gift of two families together for the day

[granite1]

i will always do my best to fit in with other people . i dont want them making trouble for my son . it is just that they are such a normal family and mine is so ****ed up .i want the best for my son . it would be great for him to be part of this normal loving family . not one that treats him like a failure because he decided not to make a career out of the military ,or thinks he is always crap compared to the other grandchildren just because he is my child . of course ill do anything to allow this to happen but it hurts so bad at the same time . i know he is 24 now and is responsible for his decisions .but it is hard to be loosing my son even if it is the best thing for him .i think the only reason he had her parents invite us is because he would feel bad .

[stopdog]

There are a couple of movies on this theme - one was a remake with Bette Midler I think - and I hated the movies and thought it so sad at the end when the daughter wanted their mother who had decided to cut herself out the daughter's life on the false belief it would make the daughter's life better. It might have been called Stella.

I think you would be selling yourself and your son both short to do such a thing.

[JaneTennison1]

I agree with SD. If your son feels it best then let him decide. He thinks you are worth having in his family and his GF family thinks it worth getting to know you. Don't make the decision for him based on false ideas. It will do you both a disservice.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

i will always do my best to fit in with other people . i dont want them making trouble for my son . it is just that they are such a normal family and mine is so ****ed up .i want the best for my son . it would be great for him to be part of this normal loving family . not one that treats him like a failure because he decided not to make a career out of the military ,or thinks he is always crap compared to the other grandchildren just because he is my child . of course ill do anything to allow this to happen but it hurts so bad at the same time . i know he is 24 now and is responsible for his decisions .but it is hard to be loosing my son even if it is the best thing for him .i think the only reason he had her parents invite us is because he would feel bad .

But I don't see where you are losing him? He probably sees how toxic your family is (not YOU, your mother and father, etc...), and would rather stay away from them, and rightly so. BUT, he wants you there!

This is good that he has a stable family to be around as well, and like I said, I don't see where you are losing him?

Your family's messages to you when you were growing up are screaming in your head so loud right now that I can tell it is near impossible to hear anything else. I hope you can take in what we are saying.

[Mully]

I agree with many of the others that have posted so far.

I hear that you say you are losing your son, but that is only one way of looking at it. My in-laws feel that way and it's been extremely hurtful to both me and my husband. Instead of looking at it as losing them, maybe try to see it as gaining a new potential daughter. Change is hard but it doesn't have to be bad. Your son wants to include you, which is why he invited you. Our children are only little for a certain amount of time, and then they branch away- not due to lack of loving or caring for us, but because they are growing into their own lives.

Anyway, I am coming from a caring place- I'm only on the other side of this equation. I hope it gets easier for you.

[divine1966]

Just because they look all normal doesn't meet anything. If you met my family you'd think they are all the most normal healthy and wonderful. On the surface. When you start digging though... Ouch. Lol

they might be way more nuts than yours. It's great you support your son in whatever career he chose (why the heck he must go to military?) now support him in this family occasion by just being there. Do it

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[granite1]

it didnt turn out so bad .both my husband and i were able to talk to them and have an ok time . but im still glad it is over and it still hurts that my son seems to have found himself another great family

[stopdog]

Glad it was not awful.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by granite1

it didnt turn out so bad .both my husband and i were able to talk to them and have an ok time . but im still glad it is over and it still hurts that my son seems to have found himself another great family

Why does it have to be a replacement? Why not just he has a great mum and dad and a really nice family in law?

[Favorite Jeans]

My kids are much younger than your son but still it feels hard sometimes to let go and let them grow. My son lately needs me less, spends more time out of the house and has moments of being quiet and pensive in a way that's very different from his childish silliness. i haven't quite figured out how to fully connect with this version of him. I know we'll figure it out together, this change has come about in a matter of months and it's all new. I'm thrilled to see him thriving in so many ways, becoming so sophisticated and growing into his talents. But I also miss my sweet baby and the simple closeness we had.

Granite it sounds like your son is growing in thrilling ways too. It's a good sign that he wants you to know his girlfriend and wants to be together for holidays. Your relationship with him is changing and that takes time to figure out. He is becoming his own man which is what he's supposed to do. He is capable of loving and being loved. That's wonderful. But I get that the change is hard and that you might miss an earlier version of him.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by granite1

there is so much going on in my head

That's the only place it is. It is your head. Tell it to leave you alone, that you will not entertain such ugly thoughts, that you do not want them and it's your head and you are in charge.

Glad it wasn't too bad. I went to my stepsister's son's house and I hadn't seen my grandnieces and nephews for 3-4 years and they are all grown up and I knew nothing about them. Families change, grow and shrink and rearrange. I don't think your son will leave you, you will eventually have a daughter-in-law and grandchildren, etc. With my husband just deceased and no children of my own, my stepsons have not deserted me or anything; it's hard forging new relationships but possible.