[sweetvalley12]

Hi all, new here and looking for input

I had a T session, well sort of. It opened with T saying we needed to discuss his flexibility around appointment times. Minor detail. I asked ok did we have to? He was cold and said yes we did. So the conversation starts (he had said it was ok to be early but actually was not ok with me being 10 minutes early) I said Wow....I do not want this beacuse I felt picked at.

He replied that he wasn't interested in an argument

I said me either, that I didn't understand what was going on
He said I should probably leave. He gave me my money back he left the room

After 5 minutes I went out and asked if this was actually how things would go?

He came back and we spent the next while discussing why he reacted and what I had done wrong

At the end, knowing my fear of anger, he said that he wasn't angry and felt relaxed and ok. I replied that I didnt feel ok

I still don't because I can't get over the fact that he left. Not interested and just walked out.

What do I do?

wth?! that sounds terribly unprofessional for a t to do that. i must be missing something.

[sweetvalley12]

If I can explain something more I am happy to

I should also say the T apologized for reacting that way and agreed he should have taken a deep breath and continued on.

I'm just so hung up on the fact he actually got up and left. I have huge abandonment issues though but it's still crazy. I didn't even cry as I was just shocked. I called DH and said um I think I'm being told to leave or something?

The misunderstanding was that T told me if I arrive early to call and see if I can go in and sit in the T room rather than wait outside. I was early so called but was then told that wasn't what was meant, it was only if I was early due to the bus being early not if my schedule made me early. T was angry that I didn't want to discuss this issue.

[atisketatasket]

Huh? What's wrong with being ten minutes early? I'm often twenty minutes early. I just sit in the waiting room and read or people-watch.

Unless you're in therapy because you're constantly obsessively early, or you expect him to see you as soon as you arrive, however early that is, this makes no sense.

[Pennster]

That's very strange behavior - did he say exactly why he had reacted like that? Where did he go when he left? Did you wind up giving him the money back again for the session in the end?

Have you been seeing him for long? He seems not so stable.

[phaset]

Originally Posted by sweetvalley12

He came back and we spent the next while discussing why he reacted and what I had done wrong

I can't think of what you could have possibly done to cause him to react like this. What did he say??? If this happened to me, I would be discussing his flexibility of shoving his head up his butt. I show up 10 minutes early too, and just wait in the waiting room until she comes to get me. If he let you in early, this is on him.

[sweetvalley12]

He had said before that if I arrived early I should call and if he was able to he would let me in. I was early so I called. As it turned out he only meant if the bus was early so I wouldn't be hanging out in the cold and not if I got a ride that got me there early. I should mention that I was late the week before due to traffic but that my being late was also only allowed if the bus made me late. BTW in 2 years I have only ever been late this one time.

This is private practice. He went and sat in his living room

I have been in therapy with him for over 2 years.

He apologized and said he knew he had reacted badly. He should have taken a deep breath and given me the benefit of the doubt that I wasn't trying to start an argument.

Agreed if he let you in early that's on him. I get to t early sometimes and wait in my car or go for a walk up her road (she works out of her home) and she doesn't have an issue with it. In fact encourages it so I'm not late trying to time it perfect and missing.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I get to my T 10 minutes early all the time - He's fine with it, just gets me when he's ready. Your T sounds pretty unstable and unprofessional.

[growlycat]

Agreed that your T is behaving oddly. If it were me, I'd be shopping for a new T!

[emlou019]

Definitely agree with others, definitely do not feel bad for being early. I too am always early for my sessions. Hope you're ok.

[QUOTE=sweetvalley12;4808235]. . .

This is private practice. He went and sat in his living room

I have been in therapy with him for over 2 years. QUOTE]

How your therapist handled this was really clumsy and shaming. I'm guessing from the first sentence in one of your posts that your therapist has his "office" in his home. Perhaps he was feeling invaded when you arrive at his home office early for your appointments. That does NOT, however, give him the right to handle the situation in the way he did! He should have had a calm, clear conversation with you at his first meeting with you (NOT two years into therapy!) about his boundaries around arrival times. Some therapist purposefully schedule their clients 15, 30 to 60 minutes apart to protect the privacy of the clients. A therapist who takes the risk of having his/her office in his home, takes the chance of his client arriving early and hanging around their house (sitting outside in a car, standing on the street corner, walking up and down the street ect.) until his/her appointment time. That can be uncomfortable for the therapist, neighbors and other clients. That's why it is critical that the therapist have the conversation with the client about what is appropriate for arrival times. It's not okay for him to coldly tell you that you're too early (when he's never told what his time frame arrival time is in the first place) and it's even worse that he tells you to take you money and go home! He might have thought he was being "nice" or "caring" when he told you to call if you arrived early so he could let you in during cold or stormy days, but that was him blurring his boundaries and making the situation confusing and unclear. Not you fault. He handled this very very poorly!

One of the reasons therapist "home offices" don't work is because of this issue. If the therapist has his/her office in a professional office building, there is usually a waiting room so clients, who arrive early, have a place to privately and quietly sit until their appointment OR there are other business's around that the client can visit OR there is a large parking lot that the person can sit in until their session time (I always bring a book and if I arrive early, I sit in the car until five minutes before my appointment. I arrive about 1 to 2 minutes before my session time). Personally, I think your therapist owes you a big apology and he needs to have a coherent and clear conversation about what his boundaries are about client arrival times.

My guess is that since this is his home, he doesn't want clients coming too early. That's fine I guess, but he handled it very badly. One reason having a home office might not work well. If a T doesn't have a waiting area and separate office area in his home for clients, that could create a problem.

[JaneTennison1]

This sounds awful

[sweetvalley12]

Thank you Jaybird. I think you are right he felt invaded and was then further put out that I got defensive when he tried to talk about it. (I was confused he was being cold and angry and that I was doing as asked and still in trouble)

In the end I don't know how to get over the fact he didn't like th way I was responding and so just left. This triggered me so hugely. People just leaving. I spent the session making sure he was ok so I wouldn't be left again and who cares if I'm ok.

Do I go back and talk this through? Risking being left again.

[Petra5ed]

I worry about therapist burn out all the time when I hear this stuff.

Yeah, not good behavior on his part.

[sweetvalley12]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I worry about therapist burn out all the time when I hear this stuff.

Yeah, not good behavior on his part.

He has only been in private practice 3 years!!

Also he works with teenagers on some volunteer thing. I asked him how he responds when the teenagers are angry if he can't even handle me without leaving.

[Lauliza]

Very odd behavior, and I still don't understand why he kept saying he didn't want to argue. Was there an argument before around your arriving early? And are we talking 10 - 15 minutes early or 30-60 minutes? If it's the former and you take a bus, I don't see you having much control over being a few minutes early, or late for that matter. Regardless he handled himself very poorly and unprofessionally.

I'm training to be a T and may someday have a home office, so I understand the need for boundaries. That said, I think that is the T's responsibility to figure out and work out the logistics of, not the client's. I've seen providers in the past who have worked out of their homes and both had some kind of waiting area for clients who show up early. If your T can't manage this than he should rent out space, join a practice or figure something else out. I'm sorry he treated you that way, I think it's really unprofessional and unkind and certainly warrents a conversation. If he can't handle that it might be worth considering firing him.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by sweetvalley12

He has only been in private practice 3 years!!

Also he works with teenagers on some volunteer thing. I asked him how he responds when the teenagers are angry if he can't even handle me without leaving.

Well, it was probably something that happened earlier in his day. That's the most likely thing I think. It would be too crazy if he was in jerk mood all the time as his default personality.

[sweetvalley12]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

Very odd behavior, and I still don't understand why he kept saying he didn't want to argue. Was there an argument before around your arriving early? If you take a bus I don't see you having much control over being a few minutes early (or late for that matter).

I was defensive so I'm sure he thought it would turn into an argument. When he said I couldn't just arrive early and call expecting to be let in I replied that firstly he had said I could and secondly if it wasn't ok then just say no and I'm happy to wait outside.

It was 10 minutes and in this instance I didn't take the bus but my ride dropped me off early. Apparently the calling in if I'm early thing is only if the bus gets me there early. If a ride gets me there early that is my own "fault" and I'm not allowed to call, having never been early and only late once I was not aware of the nuances to the rules.

I have never arrived early before so there has never been any argument about it.

[sweetvalley12]

The end result is that I'm hugely triggered that he just left. What if I say something in the future he deems as not perfect or ok and he leaves then too?

He just left and I don't feel safe anymore.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by sweetvalley12

I was defensive so I'm sure he thought it would turn into an argument. When he said I couldn't just arrive early and call expecting to be let in I replied that firstly he had said I could and secondly if it wasn't ok then just say no and I'm happy to wait outside.

Have you explained to him that when you are at the mercy of a train or bus schedule, it is next to impossible to arrive at the exact scheduled time? In this instance, most people will arrive a few minutes early since it'susually preferable to arriving late. If he lives close to a center where you can browse stores or sit in a coffee shop then I suppose that's fair to ask, but if not there isn't much else you can do.

[sweetvalley12]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

Have you explained to him that when you are at the mercy of a train or bus schedule, it is next to impossible to arrive at the exact scheduled time? In this instance, most people will arrive a few minutes early since it'susually preferable to arriving late. If he lives close to a center where you can browse stores or sit in a coffee shop then I suppose that's fair to ask, but if not there isn't much else you can do.

He's in a rural area so there isn't anything to do but walk around.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by sweetvalley12

The end result is that I'm hugely triggered that he just left. What if I say something in the future he deems as not perfect or ok and he leaves then too?

He just left and I don't feel safe anymore.

I don't blame you for feeling unsafe. I have never, ever heard of a T behaving this way unless thier safety is in question - it's very unprofessional. I would talk to him about this and consider another T if that is an option for you.

[Pennster]

Do you think you could say that to him? I would have a hard time feeling emotionally safe after something like that as well. I feel like I would need to hear that he realized how wrong his response was and was dealing with it both in supervision and his own therapy before I could continue to work with him.