 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Dec 17, 2015, 10:49 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
It's been quite awhile since I last posted here. It's been a pretty rough go. I spent 9 days in the psych unit in September, had to drop my practicum and another class, just been trying to get by. I've been doing better, less depressed, even some really good days, but I still have a lot to work through.
My therapist gave me a Christmas card and a little gift again this year, and this year she signed the card "with love." Several months ago I would have been over the moon about that - knowing that she doesn't just care about me, but she actually loves me. All I've wanted my whole life long is for people to love me, and I think it's so sweet that she signed the card that way. But I only have 6 more sessions with her, spread out over the next few months until March. I am so aware of how I am emotionally distancing myself from my therapist exactly the way I began distancing myself from my mom when I was 12. Her moods started fluctuating and one minute she would be yelling at me, telling me she wished she'd never had kids and then apologizing profusely half an hour later, telling me how much she loved me. I still remember that feeling of pulling away from my mom - how something sort of died in me the day I decided not to let my mom into my heart anymore. That's what it feels like to know that therapy is coming to an end, to know that I have to say goodbye to my therapist. I think I might actually be angry with my therapist-muddled-up-with-my-mom, if I would allow myself to feel that. I know I am emotionally starting to close myself off from my therapist. I don't crave her hugs anymore, andI never ask for a hug anymore, although she always hugs me, which is fine. But I don't hold onto her so tight like I used to, and I just automatically go away somewhere in my mind, so I don't feel the hug, I don't feel her arms around me anymore. I don't feel anything anymore when she hugs me. |
 Cinnamon_Stick, ilikecats, LonesomeTonight, PinkFlamingo99, UglyDucky, unaluna
|
|
#2
Dec 18, 2015, 12:50 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I think my emotions are going to be all over the place in the next few days. I can't stop thinking about her and reading the card over and over again.
|
| PinkFlamingo99
|
|
#3
Dec 18, 2015, 01:26 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Sorry you're hurting. Why are you ending with your T? Sounds like it's not really a voluntary act?
Very sweet that your T got you a gift ("again," which means this isn't new to you.) I'd b over the moon myself if my T gave me anything. She never has, and I'm sure it's in her boundaries never to do so. She used to occasionally sign her Emails with "Love,T." I loved it. I did feel loved, cared about. I don't anymore. My thought is, you're protecting yourself by trying to detach yourself from your T before you have to say goodbye. That's not all that unusual to be/feel like when "the end" is coming. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sorry you are leaving your T. But very nice of her to give you a gift.
__________________
~It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving~ |
|
#4
Dec 18, 2015, 01:39 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Your mom sounds just like mine! I don't have attachment issues but I prefer men in any clinical/school/work setting as in charge compared to a female
Hope you work it through!
__________________
I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning, I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes Listen as the crowd would sing Now the old king is dead! Long live the king! One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand |
|
#5
Dec 18, 2015, 01:51 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Therapy has to end because I don't have enough money to continue, and I've been seeing her for 1 1/2 years already. To be honest, I think that I've gotten about as far as I can with her. Not that that makes her a bad therapist. I think she's fantastic and I would highly recommend her.
You are right, it is an attempt to protect myself by detaching from her. I feel like I don't know how not to detach from her. We've done a lot of work around my attachment issues, but they keep rearing their ugly heads. We've also talked about my attachment to her, my transference issues, how much I'm going to miss her when therapy is done, and how hard it's going to be for me to say goodbye. Right now the focus is on ending therapy, and how to do that in a way that will be good for me. And my therapist also astutely and gently told me that I've never had a good ending in any kind of relationship, and that is why I am so afraid therapy is also going to end badly. I think I need to tell her some of the stuff I wrote in my original post, but what with Christmas and New Year's it's going to be 3 whole weeks. When I think of that, because of my abandonment issues, it's sort of triggering my PTSD. I can feel myself starting to go somewhere else in my mind again, or maybe it would be better to say somewhere out of my mind, so I don't have to feel the terror of being alone. I guess it's practice for when I won't be seeing her anymore. Sorry for being so long winded about it all. |
|
#6
Dec 18, 2015, 02:02 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I'm majorly f----d up when it comes to attachment issues. For awhile I thought my transference issues meant that I was romantically attracted to my therapist. We talked about that too, and to her credit she didn't bat an eyelash over that. She has just been so totally accepting of me no matter what I tell her, and she waits so patiently when I have a hard time telling her the things I feel so ashamed of. She just sits there and quietly takes it all in, and responds in a way that makes me feel like I really can trust her. It makes me feel like in the depths of her being she can hold whatever I tell her, without it drowning her. I don't know how she does that.
Quote:
|
| kecanoe
|
|
#7
Dec 18, 2015, 09:19 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
I know I totally prefer men in these settings because in any power relatons hips I see a woman as not to be trusted with my emotions....just like my mom. I love her and all but sometimes I think I minimize the damage done. I pretty much avoid therapy too lol
__________________
I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning, I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes Listen as the crowd would sing Now the old king is dead! Long live the king! One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand |
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
