[ScarletPimpernel]

I talked to T some about ex-T. I told her that I've been missing her. She asked if Christmas is triggering a memory. It was. Two years ago, December 27, my ex-T forgot to call me. She had cancelled my appt right before Christmas due to a family emergency, so she said she would call me on the 27th to check-in. I waited all day and night. She never called. I emailed her to see if she was okay. She she was... I emailed her a 2 and a 3 page email emotionally "vomiting" about how she forgot me (and the "kitchen sink"). I showed up to my next appt. I was shaking, I was so scared. She opened the door to the waiting room. I couldn't look up. I took a deep breath and stood up. All of a sudden she comes up to me and hugs me. I hug back and let go. She doesn't. She still holds me. I cry and hug her back again this time accepting the embrace. I didn't ask for an apology or a hug. And she didn't even say a word. She just hugged me. She chose to hug me. And it was a full embrace, long hug. Her choice. To me, I knew she cared and I knew she was sorry.

I asked T if it was okay that I miss her during the week. She said it's okay. She would be worried if I was missing her and have a full week, but since I have so much time, it's not abnormal.

I asked T if it was okay to love ex-T. She said that she didn't know the full details of my relationship with ex-T, so she couldn't make a judgment on it. But she said for me, it was probably okay. She said from the sounds of things, ex-T encouraged love in the relationship. I told her how ex-T said "I want you to feel safe and loved" and "My concern comes from a place of love". That, and her favorite author was Dr. M. Scott Peck who believed that love should be in the therapeutic relationship. She said that those things were close enough to "I love you" and that I would interpret it as such.

I asked T if it was okay if I loved her in about a year or two. I reassured her I don't love her yet (and it's true). She said it would be okay and natural. I told her that I already know one of her boundaries is that she won't express love to a client and she nodded in agreement.

I asked T what type of therapy she did. She said mostly integrative, some DBT (mindfulness), CBT (but not worksheets unless necessary), mostly client-centered and psychodynamic.

I asked her if she sees a client's attachment to her as healthy. She said yes. I asked her if it was a good thing to be dependent on her. She said no. She said she wants her clients to be able to rely on her her, to see her as dependable, but not their sole source of support. She said that's why there has to be boundaries so that the attachment can be healthy and positive.

8 months into this relationship. I can laugh and cry with her. She can now tell when I tear up. I have told her all my secrets. Oh, she's meeting my puppy next week! Am I disillusioned to think I'm safe with this T? That she will not abandon me? That she will allow me time to process our termination when it comes time? We hug now after every session. That's a huge thing for me. I trust her, I think. I want to anyways. Is it dumb? After what happened with ex-T? I can't compare. They're two different people. But my brain tries to compare. I keep looking for a way to know I'm safe. I feel safe. Do I trust myself this time? I want to. I really want to. I want so much to let go of what ex-T did and just move on with this T without looking back. But is that wise?

[gayleggg]

I think remembering your old T is normal and good. It shouldn't get in the the was of your relationship with your new T. And it sounds like you have found a very good fit for you with the new T. Trust is a hard thing to build but sounds like you're working on it.

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I freely admit, SP, that when you told us what your x therapist had done, you blew me away . . . . I can't even imagine how hard it was for YOU! I've been around for a while and when you would describe how things were with your x therapist, I just felt that she was so solid and good. I couldn't wrap my brain around what she did and how she terminated contact with you and refused to process anything with you. It just seemed so inconsistent with how she worked with you.

That said, your new therapist sounds like a really solid, dependable person from your description of how she's handled sessions with you and her being open to you processing how shabby the other therapist treated you. But I've learned that there is no sure thing. If there is anything I've learned from psych. central is that there are no sure things when it comes to therapy. I make sure that I proceed carefully and never put all of myself on the table when it comes to deal with a therapist. I really hope that this therapist is the one who helps you heal and move on from what happened to you with your x therapist. You deserve that after all you've gone through. I wish I could reassure you and encourage you to jump in "full throated" and carefree to the deep end of psychotherapy with this new therapist, but I don't think I'd ever be able to do that considering what I've read on these forums. Trust her but keep your wits about you, would be my advice!

[atisketatasket]

These questions about trust are normal in every important relationship in life. There are no guarantees - people can change, or successfully lie to us. It's just a learning experience.

What's that old saying? Trust, but verify.

I don't mean to sound cynical - I do think that having been through what you did with your ex-therapist, you will be better attuned to any danger signs from this one. And I get the impression from your previous posts on this one that this is a far more equitable relationship in which you feel free to voice your concerns and discuss them. That's the learning kicking in.

[divine1966]

I think as long as you keep sharing with your new t, it's all should work out. She sounds very professional.


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[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think you are doing a good job of trusting again after what your ex-T did to you. Your new T sounds like a good one and it seems to me like you can begin to move on and heal from what happened. You have already learned to trust again. That is a good step in the healing direction. I am proud of you and I am also sorry for what you had to deal with. It still blows me away that a therapist can act in that way and not care about what they are putting there clients through. I think its a good thing to trust your new T. I would still be careful but from what I have learned, you cant project your trust issues into a new T that hasn't done anything. You have to just trust and have faith that it will work out. As someone else said, there are no guarantees with anyone but you have to trust sometimes and give people a chance. They might turn out to be one of the best people in your life.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's scary. Ex-T seemed like the perfect T for me. And current T seems like a perfect T for me. So "red flags" go off. No one can be perfect. But closing myself off isn't going to help me. That's why I went back to therapy so soon after being abandoned. I needed the help. I had to force myself to be open to T. And I had to learn to give and take, and compromise. And it hasn't been easy. There have been a lot of bumps. But she's still here...and so am I. That says a lot, right?

[NowhereUSA]

Maybe it helps to think of it in different terms - instead of T being the "perfect T for me!" just change the phrasing (I think that can help how we think of things) - "My current T is a good fit for me."

Because you know what, lots of things can be a good fit. I have three pairs of jeans that all fit a little different and they're all good fits But I might feel very limited if I declared one pair of jeans the perfect pair XD

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Maybe it helps to think of it in different terms - instead of T being the "perfect T for me!" just change the phrasing (I think that can help how we think of things) - "My current T is a good fit for me."

Because you know what, lots of things can be a good fit. I have three pairs of jeans that all fit a little different and they're all good fits But I might feel very limited if I declared one pair of jeans the perfect pair XD

Even saying "a good fit" is scary. Thinking that current T is safe scares me because I thought ex-T was safe. But I have to stop comparing. My gut might have been wrong about ex-T, but that doesn't mean it can't be right. I really don't think she is going to abandon me.

It's so hard, you have been through a lot, and that you are questioning trust is quite understandable. It's ok to question giving your trust to someone, but as hard as it is to stop, try not to compare your new therapist with your ex therapist. It's a survival tactic for you, of course, but if you try to catch yourself doing it it may make things easier to change. It's amazing you had the strength to see another therapist after your ex, you made it through that part, now try not to judge your current therapist on the same scale as your former. Think about it this way...I don't think it's possible for you to be hurt by another therapist worse than you already have. You made it through the hard stuff. Hyper-vigilance is SO tough to work through, but I know you can. You're so much stronger than you may think!

I have not been on here in a couple of months, I took a vacation from therapy and things therapy-related, but wondered how things were going with your current therapist.