Couch 106 - the couch that must not be named

I have to cross a continent and an ocean to get to my parents house. It's kinda hard to do that for less than two weeks. Besides, I spend a decent about of time out with friends, so I suppose it's not continuous exposure

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You listened to your Ts? What is the world coming to?

Thank you dr@@!

My snow day is great so far. I slept till 11:24, had breakfast (yoghurt with chocolate sprinkles), had chocolate, had a fried egg (with runny yolks - yummy!) all in less than an hour. (oh how I love being home alone.. allows me to do all those things) Now I'm full. :+ Now I'm studying for my chemistry test. Reviewing by watching videos explaining the material on youtube.

About spending time with your parents - dear me. I actually live with my parents. :+

And now I'm going to take a hot bath. Jealous yet?

Oh a leisurely hot bath would be wonderful. I have a nice big garden tub, but I rarely take baths right now anyway because the drain plug doesn't work right. I need to get a new one. I should do that Saturday on the way home from t!!

Heading out to work. Only have to work 1 hour of overtime today so yay! They've offered to let some people cancel their overtime, I'm quite proud of myself for staying and working all of it so far, looking forward to that paycheck a week from tomorrow! Have a good day/night couchies. Sending hugs to those who want them!

I do hear the words they say - not paying attention to their words would be dangerous. I don't believe or understand the point of them when they talk about me -and I don't think it matters if what they about themselves is true or not - just interesting that they both said similar things about families - and it was unbidden by me - it is not as if I asked them about what it was like when their children came home.

I'm presently on a selfhate-binge. And the day was going so well..

Artemis, a garden bathtub doesn't appeal to me at all. Sounds cold.

I think it's what they're called. They're a different shape from a rectangle tub is all its still indoors. Kinda rounded shape so a lil bigger.

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And bread I'm sorry you're hating yourself at present, i hope you feel better soon.

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I do consider it one of my life's missions to teach the difference between the present and perfect infinitives when used as complementary to a copulative verb.

Copulative verb...makes me snicker every time.

You don't mean like the old clawfoot tubs? My mother still has one. I'm soaking in it right now.

Actually, a lot of my mother's furniture has claws on the ends. Including the family dining room table.

Thanks to unaluna I am now doing the chicken dance in my head. Any partners out there?

Hmm. Any partners IN there??

I think if I would speak to a random pdoc right now and would be honest, he'd commit me.

Luckily I'm 1) not speaking to any pdoc and 2) if I'd speak to a pdoc it'd be my own and he isn't big on commiting people.

Sleeping pill is not working.

Trying to talk myself out of taking all the sleeping pills I have.

Trying to talk myself out of doing a whole lot of stupid things.

Those things don't actually appear as stupid now as I'd usually think they are.

I could call the facility (I'm allowed to call the ward 24/7 for help or just to talk) but I'm afraid they'd contact the crisis team and have me committed, so I'm not going to do that.

I did email my T. Hopefully she won't read the email until tomorrow.

I don't know what to do.

Breadfish, can you call your own pdoc and talk to him or her?

It's 21.27 around here, so no. I only have the phone number of his work. And even if I could talk to him, it's unlikely he'd be able to help.

Being committed wouldn't even be so bad if it would either help, make me feel better or keep me safe. But it won't.
It's useless. Life is useless. Fighting against all of this is useless.

Hang in there, Breadfish. I have been at the useless stage before, where it seems like it is just inevitable that I am going to kill myself anyway at some point or another so I might as well just do it now. That stages passes, I promise. Try to hold on until it passes. At one point, I broke the day down into pieces -- I would just focus on living until noon. Then 3:00 and then dinner time, etc. Break it down into manageable chunks, maybe.

Sometimes it helps me to think: "These aren't my thoughts. This is the disease talking."

I never found the hospital to be very helpful. Mostly because it seemed like they did the opposite of what I actually needed. And no one listened. The pdoc I had during my last hospitalization didn't listen to the words I said when I kept telling her that I'd had a long list of meds. My regular pdoc, thank goodness, was on top of sending info and as soon as she received my lengthy list of tried things she was like "My goodness, you really have tried a lot of meds."

No $h!t Sherlock.

Nnnngh.

I'm sorry Breadfish. I know that feeling and I wish I knew what advice to give you. I didn't find the end of that feeling until I started ketamine and I know how exhausting, how maddening, how horrible it is. It sucks the sleeping pill isn't working. It's okay to reach out.

We're here to listen too.

(((breadfish)))

Thats it! I spent yesterday sleeping and eating junk and mumbling stupid maudlin things in the dogs ear. Cried a bit. Feelig somewhat better today,

I'm sorry Breadfish.