Couch 106 - the couch that must not be named

What if the therapeutic relationship is like a drug for me and t letting me come more often is just feeding my addiction?! Why can't I find once and for all what I have with her, within myself?! Whoa halt put the brakes on wait just a cotton pickin' minute is that what she's been doing all along, being that 'clean mirror' as she used to say so I see myself as I really am when I'm there and eventually I'm going to believe it and internalize it so that I feel the same way outside of her office as I do when I'm there? Is that what she's doing?

I've been looking at these old pictures my brother sent and just staring deeply at the me in them and thinking I wish I could go back in time somehow and give that me such a big hug and somehow make things better for her. I remember so clearly being that age and how I felt like such an ugly freak, such an outsider, so stupid and dumb and worthless...

I need to go to work. I think I'm going to bring a couple of those pics with me today to show t after work. Later couchies have a good day/night everyone.

I was so ashamed of my depression as a kid and teenager that I didn't even write about it in my diaries. When I re-read them, there are all these entries of "Why am I so angry? Why did I freak out about X?" and since I remember those times I'm like, "Because you were suicidally depressed!"

I wish I could go back and hold my own and hand say, "It's okay. You're beautiful. You're talented. It's just the depression talking and you *can* get help and you're *not* a freak."

Yeah... I didn't even know there was such a thing as depression back then. I just knew i was not happy at home. I found another pic where I'm backpacking with girl scouts and my smile in that pic says it all. I was normal and happy out in nature away from home...

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I often wondered that. But without the obsession, the addiction, who would have the courage to sit through the pain?

Wow I was thinking about comparing T to an addiction too. Before Christmas we had a review and T asked why I keep coming back, if therapy makes me feel so bad? All I could say at the time was "I can't not come back" After I thought it felt like the old me saying"Just one more line"

I really need the ex to keep the girls for one more week as I feel like ****. I hate asking him for this as he tends to whinge a bit. I am really stressed and thinking about ringing and asking is stressing me more. I think I will do it after i do my errands.

Do you think texting the ex is being too avoidant?

There is very likely a lot of truth in that.

I had a really meaningful session today. Just got home a little bit ago and I almost want to go to bed early so I can just be in the feelings and not have to deal with 'real life' until tomorrow. I showed her a couple of the old pictures my brother sent me, then asked her the question that I wanted to ask even though I cried through it, and we had a good discussion around it, and I did a sand tray, and we talked some more and she told me something about the movie Avatar (which I haven't seen but am now going to watch it) she told me about these characters in the movie who in their society or whatever they don't say "I love you", they look in each other's eyes and say "I see you." Anyway we talked some more and then as we were wrapping up I said thank you for letting me say that stuff I cried about and not taking it in a bad way. And she looked at me and said "Well, I see you." That was quite a powerful moment.

Art your T sounds so perceptive, you are lucky you fond her I am thinking.

She is, and I am indeed so very lucky to have found her. Especially since I only found her by "accident".

I rang the ex and he was ok with that i felt he wanted to argue but held himself back so at least he has learnt something.

Art How is the kitty? I love calico cats.

Is it true that all calico cats are female only and all ginger cats are males?

Yes - not 100% but almost. My mother explained this to me when I was little and she was teaching me genetics - I remember she said colors in cats are carried on the X chromosome, so you can only get the range of colors you see in calicos in female cats. So male calicos must be a kind of mutation - have two X chromosomes or something.

Eta: and then a female ginger would need to have two ginger X chromosomes instead of 1, so odds are they won't. My grandmother had a female ginger - easily my least favorite cat ever, personality-wise.

OMG, if my T said that to me, I don't even know how I'd react. I'd probably want to cry, but since I am 75% robot, I'd just awkwardly look at her.

Robots don't look awkward! Just blank.

Ergo, you are not a robot.

I almost did. Cry, that is.

Agreed.

Thanks for asking! She is quite a little weirdo lately!! She's taken to pulling pieces of cat poop out of the litter box and then dropping them on the floor and batting them around the house. As if the million cat toys laying around everywhere are not good enough for her

oh my effing g, i think i just had a major realization. i hate when these happen after i've left t. i refuse to let myself email her even though i want to. what i just realized is this:

I told her today (for about the millionth time) that I don't WANT to need her. And I realized why just now. Because in my mind, needing her gives her power over me. Like when I was a kid and I needed my parents to survive even though blablabla. I needed them for food and shelter so they held that power over me. holy sheepfrogs.

muggy hot weather, working on new timetable, crazy dog is out there chasing lizards.

I wish I had a recording of today's session. There was so much meaningful stuff. After I did the sand tray we stood next to each other just looking at it, and talking about it, it just amazes me every time I do one (and it's been a very long time since I did one with her present!) that I am not really conscious of what I'm doing while I'm picking things off the shelves and arranging them in the sand tray, drawing in the sand, piling up the sand, whatever.... it's not like I'm consciously telling a story or anything. I just let it happen. But after it's done, and we step back and look at it and talk it over.... like, wow.

When we'd sat back down afterwards, I looked over at the shelves and said to the rest of the figures something like "You'll get your turn later." And she said what? I said pointing to the figures on the shelves, "they're chittering over there wanting their turn." She said yes, they do seem to be activated now, don't they? I love how she so 'gets' me.

So our appointment with marriage counselor tomorrow has now been rescheduled three times--first from Monday to Thursday for blizzard, second from Thursday to Friday because school was still closed from blizzard, third from late afternoon Friday to early afternoon because MC had "something come up" that required a time change tomorrow (which we're still able to make work, even though schools are still closed). Feel like that's some kind of rescheduling record. And like we really need to make this session count!

Also, our 4-year-old answered the cell phone the first time he called since she was playing games on it. Glad he called back a second time and was like, "Um, I think your daughter answered the first time." Also glad he was calling to change times rather than cancel.

ok I guess I better stop spamming the couch or we'll need a new one tonight.