Am I Losing Him?

I'm unhappy with my psychiatrist. I found out in an off-handed, indirect way on Monday that he is going to be gone for two months and when he comes back will only be at the office that is far away from me. He doesn't seem to understand the magnitude of that for me. I feel like he is abandoning me. I notice that I'm usually a little anxious when I go to see him though I calm down once I'm there. I've been getting less anxious over time. It's because I'm afraid he will stop seeing me or I'll chase him away and here he is, after reassuring me many times, abandoning me. It's very hard - it opens old repeated wounds. It seems as if anyone I connect to leaves me. I try to keep up the connection, but they don't respond and it dies. His decision is especially painful because he is a man and I haven't had any experiences of men sticking around in my life. I really connected with him and was gaining some stability and security in the relationship even if I still couldn't believe it yet. I'm torn because I really like him and want him to succeed, but I think I still need him and I don't want to lose him.

The other issue is starting over again with someone else. The first visit is always diagnostic and I don't want to do that again and have to catch someone else up. No telling if I'll even like or connect with them. (He says it's a woman and having a man has really helped my therapy so I don't know that this would be good.) Plus I only have so many mental health visits a year and I had one more allocated for psychiatry. If I have to see someone new, I'd likely have to see them more than once to get things going. I really hate the prospect! I've said I won't go - that I refuse to see her. She might change everything.

I'm finding myself feeling manipulative toward him - like planning to make him feel bad, guilty about it and maybe get special arrangements. I'm reminding myself of all his bad points, but it doesn't help much. Maybe he'll work Saturdays in the other office. Then I could make the trek there. My next appointment with him is in just over 2 weeks. I cried all night Monday and Tuesday morning and on and off since then whenever it comes to mind. I'm afraid I'm going to be having crying spells the whole time and I'm afraid I'll break down in his office too.

I'm sorry...I was so frustrated the occasions when my pdoc/T would announce a new direction...first it was no more free samples (didn't want the reps in his office), then it was...

I could go on...One of the things that can be helpful is to prepare a summary of major events in your life...to quickly get some of the background stuff out of the way...also meds, med changes, etc...

At the moment, I'm still rebelling. I don't want to have to do that. It overwhelms me and they never want to read what you bring them, but want you to talk it all. I can't even remember everything. I have over 200 pages of emails I've sent to this psychiatrist and I can't see someone reading it all to catch up even if I ask them to prior to my coming in. (That would be the ideal, if they would.) Plus I've been on disability and was planning on going back to full time in August, but wanted someone who knew the situation in the picture since I'm starting school and I don't know if it will put me over the edge again and if I might need time off again.

Just take the highlights from the emails...idea is to give a basic background...not necessarily all the details...

They don't have to read it...it is for you to quickly get through the material and a way to help your memory and keep you focus and things moving...

Bye the way it is ok to still be rebelling over this...

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The other issue is starting over again with someone else. The first visit is always diagnostic and I don't want to do that again and have to catch someone else up. No telling if I'll even like or connect with them.

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I'm sorry, WinterRose. This sounds hard. Do you get therapy from your pdoc, or meds only? Does your clinic have any standard continuity of care strategies? Couldn't the old pdoc write a summary of your issues and meds along with his recommendations and leave it for the new pdoc to read? That way you don't have to waste a session "catching someone else up" and doing diagnostic stuff. Plus, if you already did diagnostic stuff with the old pdoc, the new one can read the results of those tests in your chart. I don't see why you would need to repeat all that for the new person. If your pdoc also provides therapy, you could just start in with the new person on issues you want to work on today. If there are issues you have already dealt with and solved with the prior pdoc, then you could just briefly say, "I was working through some problems related to feeling unloved by my mother, but I've pretty much dealt with those. Now I am working on my social anxiety." Or whatever your issues are.

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Here is a general question for people who have a pdoc (not meant to necessarily be directed at you, WinterRose):
For those who get meds only and not therapy from their pdoc, is it necessary to connect with them in a therapeutic type relationship? I don't have a pdoc, just a therapist, but I recently saw my primary care physician for a prescription to help with anxiety. I didn't really feel a need to connect with her. She was the doctor with the knowledge to make suggestions on various meds. I was the patient who knew my symptoms and could tell her what meds and side effects would or would not be acceptable to me. We came to consensus on what might be beneficial for me and what I would be willing to try, and she wrote out the script. Our connection was no different than if I had come to see her for an ear infection.

Since you heard about his going away and only being in the farther office, etc. in an off-hand, indirect way; I'd wait until he told you and gave you the complete info? It may not be as bad as it ended up sounding from your source of a source's source :-) How often do you see him?

I'm with sunrise; if you end up having to change pdocs, for the first meeting I'd just take a list of what meds I'd tried and how I liked/disliked them, what I was on and a general description of my symptoms and problems. Get your life's history down to the size that will fit on one file card :-) and read it to the person whether they like it or not if that makes you more comfortable. Sometimes starting over can be a good thing, you get to "fix" things that might not have worked well for you before.

sigh - I heard it by way of a comment he made to another patient while I was standing there and then he called me later that evening and mentioned it in more detail (I think forgetting that the information is new to me even if he's known about it for some time)

Right now I see him every few months - but not by my choice or his. Earlier in the year I saw him every month. We do a little more than medication management. I'm not sure I can articulate what we've been doing to someone - I don't have a description for the method or what happens during our appointments. It's a mix. I'm not even sure I can say what we've been working on. I'm rather general. I'm not happy won't really do for someone new. But this pdoc understands. He's my second and he's such a find and so different than the last one that I really don't want to lose him or go back to the same kind of thing I experienced before.

The other thing is - I am doing better so I'm afraid it won't look like there's much wrong if I see someone else - they won't know where I've come from and may discount my need. What if they doubt the diagnosis? What if they want to change the meds? What if they don't care about me? What if they're not all the things he is: conservative about giving out/relying on drugs, believing that drugs may not be necessary for the rest of ones life if you adjust, accessible, open-minded, caring, compassionate, personable, animated, progressive, and devoted. How can you top that?

(((WinterRose)))

I'm so sorry you have to change Pdocs. Maybe, can you ask him for a personal recommendation and also ask him to speak with the new doc so you can have some kind of continuity with your meds? I like your idea of trying to see him anyway. Saturdays? Evenings?

Peace.