[SarahSweden]

It´s now more than a year since I was terminated and I still miss my former T even if the sorrow has eased a bit. I´ve experienced I feel more lonely now when I compare it to when I was in therapy.

I live by myself and I have taken the step to study psychology myself and after having my first lecture I felt so very sad. I´m very interested in psychology although the termination was very hard but I in a way think that perhaps it´s part of me trying to be "near" this T again? Of course she isn´t present at the school or such but perhaps my subconscious tells me it brings me more near her in some odd way?

After walking around in the university area I imagine her being there like if she was to be a classmate of me or something like that. Of course I know it will never happen but I feel strongly about it and my sadness really escalated.

Has anyone experienced something similar of perhaps has some explanations around what I go through?

[AllHeart]

Just a few random thoughts...

Perhaps subconsciously you feel:

- going into the field gives hope to the two of you getting back together in the future in some fashion as colleagues?
- going into the field will show your t you successfully emerged from your darkness and that will make her proud?
- these studies will help give you a better understanding as to what happened with your t and why which could lead to less suffering and closure?

At any rate, I'm happy to hear you are pursuing these studies. I wish you good success!

I think Allheart said it pretty well above. I can only speak from personal experience which is similar to yours. I got terminated with t 1 and I was just devastated, I felt worse after therapy than ever before starting it. So, I decided to start training to be a t, in a way it was a way to be closer to her. I wanted to experience training to be a t like she had. I niavely thought we could be colleagues or even friends.
What really excited me about training was I had to have a further 100 hours of therapy. I emailed t thinking because I was doing this training that she would have to see me again but alas, she didn't and wouldn't. I was devastated but I have met some wonderful new ts a long the way, most far better than t1 and I am glad I did my training because I can see why you should never terminate a client like t1 did to me and you should never blame the client.
I am not sure if any of that resonates with you but I really hope you don't give up, perhaps this will be a way to heal the sadness that you feel in a safe environment. Only you can know why you are drawn to this training and perhaps the reasons are not clear yet but I do know that it is an opportunity to grow and hopefully move on

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[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I most probably won´t be within the field of psychology as I only read one or two courses so I don´t imagine me and my former T being colleagues. In a way I wish she knew that I study psychology but as the termination was quite long ago I know she doesn´t think of me that way anymore as when I was her client. Back then she was interested in what my plans were and such, now it´s more me wishing she could be someone to share things with.

My studies in psychology are not so much about psychotherapy, more of broader theories and such. But I´ve really searched for answers in other kinds of litterature and trying to find comfort in others stories about being terminated.

I think it´s hard to specify what those subconscius thoughts exist of, I know they are there as me starting this psychology course made me cry intensively when getting home. In a way I imagine her being there at the university area even if I know it isn´t true. It´s so profoundly sad.

My current T wrote a book about the shadow side of therapy and one of the chapters talks about the subconscious motives for entering the profession that we need to be aware of. I think if I'm totally honest, part of my motivation for training to be a therapist was probably heavily influenced by first therapist and perhaps I harboured some fantasy of becoming his colleague.
I have found that the desire to learn has outlived the desire to be close to T1 and so I think my reasons for starting on this learning journey run much deeper than the loss I experienced.
You are still grieving, continue to have patience with yourself, and also enjoy all that the experience that learning has to offer. It's hard not to overthink the link it has to your former therapist but I hope you gain lots from this new opportunity too.

[Miswimmy1]

I can relate to your feeling. I don't have this with my t (although I bet I would if I had met my t through my university), but I have this with a past teacher. I imagine her walking around campus and I repeatedly think that I should ditch obtaining a psychology degree and pursue a degree in education. I do think that there is some slightly skewed logic in that if I become a teacher, I could be like her in some way. It's bizarre and also very painful to think about her because I know that it most likely won't happen as in the scenarios I play out in my imagination. I completely relate and I feel for you