Found out T is also treating an ex-friend

New here -- would appreciate some advice. I've read some wise and wonderful things here.

I have been with a psychodynamically-oriented T for 3 years twice a week for some rather in-depth therapy. It's been a long road with many ups and downs and ruptures and repairs. I find therapy a very difficult setting and struggle with feeling safe, and I struggle with feeling vulnerable and being "found out." Issues of privacy and anonymity are of paramount importance to me. He is very aware of this, and one of his weaknesses is not being as sensitive as I need him to be in this area.

Yesterday I arrived a my session only to pass on the way out of his office a person who was a dear friend to me for many years. She and I have not spoken for about 4 years though I don't know why. I'm not sure what I did, but it has always hurt, and she did not respond to a letter a long time ago asking to have closure on the friendship.

I was devastated. I couldn't decided whether or not to tell my T, but since I was visably shaken, I ended up saying that I knew the previous client well and that she was a friend from my past. He pressed for details about what had happened and how I felt. I panicked. I said that I did not feel that was appropriate as she was a patient of his and I did not want to say anything that would color his view of her. He became a little defensive, and I withdrew.

We changed the subject though I don't remember what we talked about. I don't know how to handle this. I am sick at the thought of him discussing me with my ex-friend. There are so many intimate things she could tell him. Since he invited me to talk about her, I can only assume he will invite her to do the same.

I cannot bear the thought of returning. My safety is ruined as well as my privacy. I feel that I may be overreacting, but I am so sensitive. Does anyone have any advice for me? I am sorry this got so long, but I am so mired in my feelings of loss and fear. Thank you for reading.

You can not avoid this topic with him. Well....You could but this has therapeutic potential. I do think that I would definitely ask that your appointments not touch each other ...one after another so you would not need to see each other. Is there anything that she could say that you would not wish to be disclosed? Know that after the time you have been in therapy that he knows you and knows that everyone skews things to some degree ...to their own recollection. By this time you know if you trust your T. It would be way unprofessional for him to disclose anything one way or another.

I did go once and following me was a coworker. We got along and get along but it was awkward and other than saying hello in the waiting room, we have not discussed it. I just mention this as I get the awkward element and the OMG kind of thing this could bring on.

You need to let him know what you are thinking so your fears can come out and he can assure you of his .....whatever you need.

Actually, he can not say anything to her unless she brings it up first, which she well might do. And certainly he can not discuss what you and he did (or didn't) discuss during your session. Did she know you were seeing this therapist?

A long time ago a friend started taking her daughter to another T in my T's office. This friend knew I was in therapy but still, running into them in the waiting room was horrid -- I felt exposed and I couldn't settle in. I cried through many sessions over the loss of safety. My T did everything possible to run interference, including meeting me in the hallway when they arrived ahead of me in the waiting room. Fortunately it was a short term thing for them.

It helped to talk about it. I hope you can too. It is hard to imagine giving up three years of hard work on the relationship, although I think I would be equally upset and distraught.

Take care this weekend.

I keep coming back to your post, wanting to offer words of comfort.

I'm not sure what I would do...

My first T...... I found that a co-worker and I were both going to him. Since I literally could not stand my co-worker (with good reason) this was a major issue for me. I also at that time was very guarded with my privacy - due to my job.
It worked out for me as the co-worker didn't really want therapy - she was just had found out that who I was going to (somehow) and went to him - 4 times and quit.

so I would think carefully about things.... maybe give it some time to see what happens before you make any decisions...

I'm sorry that you ran into your ex friend at the therapists office. I can imagine how uncomfortable that must have been. I have often thought that counselling/therapy rooms should have an in door and an out door, so you dont have to run into people in the waiting room. Now your therapist knows I'm sure he would be understanding of rescheduling your appointment time. Maybe you should tell him you don't want to discuss your ex friend. He certainly shouldnt be talking about anything confidential about you with her. Theres always lots of helpful advice on here, so please keep on posting. Take care

I had a situation where a friend of mine told me some information about her familiy that was very sensitive and potentially devastating. I found out she knew my T through her ex. I needed to talk about this in therapy and first kept it anonymous but finally spilled the beans about who I was talking about. It was OK, because I trust that whatever goes on in the room between me and T, stays there.

Your T invited you to speak only after you told him you knew the other client so would he invite her to speak if she didn't say anything? How would it feel if you asked him not to discuss you with her? Could you trust him to do that? Can you tell him what you told us...that you would consider it a violation? I hope you can talk this out with him because it sounds like you have done a considerable amount of work together already.

T's have an ethic to protect each client's privacy. If you have been with him for this long, then your safety is of the utmost importance. Good luck.

I feel for you. I would definitely talk to him about it. Otherwise, it will be with you every session.

Stuff like this has a way of sticking to us like glue...

I so appreciate all of these supportive, validating posts. Thank you for helping me feel less "paranoid" and also very welcome here.

I will try to summon the courage to discuss it with him. I have been trying to examine myself and wondering why I hate the idea of sharing my T with this person and why my knees go weak at the idea of being discussed.

For me, therapy has brought out so many young and primitive feelings, and it is so hard when I am faced with adult situations that require me to shift back into a rational and fair-minded perspective. I just want to tell him, "I was here first! You can't see her!" Yuck.

Thanks again.

caramee,

This is a very difficult situation and im not sure how i would manage it, but i suspect that I would feel like "Its my T, get your own!"

I think you need to speak to T about all your worries on this

What a sticky situation. I'm so sorry this encounter occurred! Anyway, your therapist cannot talk about you to your former friend unless your friend brings up the incident. And if she does bring up the encounter with your T, then he still can't say anything about you. He can listen to her, as he can listen to you. He can ask questions, he can help to reach insight However, he absolutely and positively cannot talk "about" you. It would be a complete break on the code of ethics, and he could potentially get in a whole lot of trouble. Again, it sucks that this type of situation had to occur. But please try to share your feelings with T. Or at least share more of your worries with him, about how you don't want to share anything that might make him judge this person. Yuck. It really is sticky.