Should I tell T about these thoughts? *Trigger*

I really dont think you have anything to worry about with the suicidal thoughts. She may ask a couple questions just to be sure there is no major alarm but if you dont intend to act and dont really have a plan (time, place, how to do it and the means) there is nothing to worry about. I know it's hard but I think she'll genuinely appreciate your honesty. Send it girl, send it! You are obviously concerned about the entirety of the events that night just let her know maybe she can get you in and you can get some relief. You could add that your afraid of her reaction there's nothing wrong with that.

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I'll definitely add that. Ahhhhh this is so scary but I want to feel that calmness knowing that I don't have to hide this anymore. I think I'll send it before the day is over but usually I like to send it really late at night so that I won't be awake when she replies but I might send it during the day I don't know.

Just send it and get it over with. I dont think her reply is going to be anything you have to worry about. And you could possibly answer her questions and the conversation is over today.

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Good idea. I have the email all written out, just going over it a few more times. I didn't use the phrase "suicidal thoughts" but rather "unsettling thoughts". I really didn't want to use the word in the email. Maybe face to face.

Did you send it? If so, how do you feel now?

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Nope. Still reading it over and over again debating if I should. I had another anxiety attack last night so I'm leaning towards sending it sometime today. Can't build up the courage.

You can do it, T will be supportive of you. I really think you should.

I know I should do it for sure. I'm just worried that my T will take thing out of proportions. I am going to send it before the day is over though so I guess it gives me more time to think, unless that's a bad thing :P

I honestly think she won't blow it out of proportion. Has she ever reacted in an overblown way in the past towards things you've said?

Just once. About my eating habits. I had to insist that I wasn't restricting on purpose but rather because I just wasn't hungry. It was extremely an overreaction but I felt as if my T was concerned more than needed.

Hey guys. So I sent the email and now I can't stop shaking/crying. I'm so nervous about what she is going to say or even do. I feel like I have to quit therapy all together right now. I feel so sick

Relax. It is highly unlikely any competent therapist would "force" a client into a hospital simply for thoughts.

You don't need to quit. You are risking being open and vulnerable and your brain will tell you to be terrified. Your brain is not right in this one, you can feel pride in knowing you dared to risk. I would bet your T will respond well to this risk.

Im just so afraid of the whole hospital thing, but in the email I never even used the S word! I'm just so scared of what might happen. The only reason I hesitated was because the thoughts arent there all the time, just when my anxiety is high, so does that still even count as having the thoughts?

My mind is such a mess !

Yes I still counts. It should be looked at and discussed. There isn't a panic button they hit just because you say the S word. Also you didn't even say the S word so you will be fine.

Yeah I guess you're right. Just have to wait and see what response I get.

I think it would be better to call. Email can be misinterpreted. The thoughts you are having are pretty common. I think if you clarified for your T that you want the suffering of the fear etc to end, not your life to end, but you can't seem to see a way past the fear, she would understand you don't have suicidal intent.
My mom used to tell me to go kill myself when she was mad. Eventually I tried. I am much much healthier now but those lessons sunk deep. Those thoughts still come into my head with some frequency. My T and I talk about them and she never freaks out. She knows I lack the INTENT to die. I'm just still learning how to heal.from my past.

But email is tricky. Too many ways to be misunderstood. Better to call or schedule an earlier appointment and talk about it sooner

The problem is I can't talk about this as well as I've written it. Thats why my T encouraged emailing anything that I left out or have a hard time discussing. I did also ask if I can schedule a session sooner in the email. I didn't use the actually suicide word in the email at all so I guess my T won't know what I mean exactly.

I agree 100%. I would think a T would give you a safe place to talk through the thoughts so they don't create extra anxiety in those high anxiety times. I really hope things go well for you.

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Yeah I guess I'm blowing this out of proportion. I just have to wait until I get a reply and see what happens from there. Thank you all for your support though ! I really appreciate it.

I am going through the same thing. My anxiety is the main cause of my suicidal thoughts. If you ever want to chat more, my PM's are open! Its so nice to talk to someone who "gets it".

Thank you so much! It's so nice to know that there are people who get what im saying. It's hard to find them these days. Thanks again Likewise to you!

Okay guys. I just got a reply from T. It was longer than usual and what my T mostly said was that it was great I was able to open up and that she is extremely sad that I'm going through this. My T also went on to say that it would be best to come in next week and I honestly think that it'll be the best for me.

My T said nothing about the thoughts I had but said that we are definitely going to go into more detail in session.

A bit of relief there. Thanks to everyone on this forum for helping me out so much. You all are amazing and I am so grateful. Thank you.

I am so glad you got a response and now you don't have to worry. Honestly, it is best to talk about suicidal feelings in person. I hope you can be honest and tell her all of your feelings around it. The best way for these feelings to get better is to talk to your T about them and she can hopefully help you cope. Best of luck to you!

Thank you! When I first started therapy I didn't think I would ever be voluntarily talking about these topics but I guess when they become too hard to keep to yourself then it's the best to let it out.