As the years roll on with T, the more I feel closer to her. There's a history between us now. Sometimes the T mask drops and I see her. Just for a moment.
Last night I dreamt T was massaging me. I felt the tingle, then she just upped and left the room. There was that mixed feeling of disappointment and shame. Shame that I'd let T see I enjoyed it.

It's this kind of stuff I find the hardest to talk to T about.
T once said, I allow her to help me as long as we never talk about it. She was right

[rainbow8]

I understand the shame and disappointment, sort of. I'm been feeling closer to my T too, but I wonder if that's okay or not. I want to hold her hand again, but it's been awhile, and I don't have a reason to ask except that it feels good, which seems a little bit shameful. But I'll probably ask her anyway.

Do you know what you are afraid of? Is it that your T won't like you or will reject you if she knows that you dream about her touching you? Is there any touch in your therapy?

The it's no touch. Not physical. T gets closer with words. I once said years ago, that I was afraid I'd lose control ams run to get and she'd reject me. Push me away. She said she wouldn't.
The dream is about my fear I think, if being caught out wanting. And that feels very scary.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I get it. This week I broke down in tears in my session with my uni therapist, and she came over and sat next to me, then put her arms around me and proceeded to hold me like that for several minutes. She was stroking my back. Her face was sort of pressed into my hair, and she was speaking soft, loving words. I was just hiding my face in my hands, trying to stop the tears.

Once I recovered, I felt immense shame. I couldn't believe I'd let her see me like that. We've hugged a couple of times in recent sessions (I'm trying to overcome my fear of intimacy), and she's told me several times that she's wanted to hold me, but I have kept my distance. When she said "I love you" just before Christmas, I actually lost my mind for a little while. I became horribly depressed, tried to push her away, but she wouldn't let me. The poor woman puts up with so much, and yet continues to love me, trying to get through what she refers to as my "veneer of scorn and rejection". I don't understand why she hasn't just told me to go away by now. She really is stubborn.

I'm trying to accept the love. I want it, but it also terrifies me, you know?

I'm not sure T would 'force' touch on to me. And I'm not sure that's how I'd heal.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm not sure T would 'force' touch on to me. And I'm not sure that's how I'd heal.

She didn't force it on me. She never has, and she never would. When she came and sat next to me she was very tentative at first, but when I didn't push her away or in any way indicate that I didn't want her there, she proceeded to hug me properly.

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

She didn't force it on me. She never has, and she never would. When she came and sat next to me she was very tentative at first, but when I didn't push her away or in any way indicate that I didn't want her there, she proceeded to hug me properly.

That's not how my therapy works. Nor how I'd want it to work. I prefer talking about what it all means.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

That's not how my therapy works. Nor how I'd want it to work. I prefer talking about what it all means.

And that's okay that it isn't how your therapy works, Mouse. But OUCH! I think people were just trying to join you in talking about what closeness means to them in their therapy; it doesn't have to mean the same thing to you, that it means to them. Just sayin'

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

That's not how my therapy works. Nor how I'd want it to work. I prefer talking about what it all means.

It seemed like you were suggesting that my therapist forced it on me, which she did not do. So I clarified. (When I said that I tried to "push her away" after she told me she loves me, I meant that I sent her several emails telling her I wanted to quit, that I wanted to stop seeing her. She didn't want to let me do that, because she knew I was horribly depressed and that I wasn't thinking clearly.)

And it's exactly like Jaybird says - closeness comes in many shapes and sizes. For me, what I need is to be exposed to intimacy, because I'm scared of it. I know what it means; we talk about WHY I am like that, what has led me to become so scared of closeness, but my therapist also wants to give it to me. She loves me, and right now that's something I need to feel, to really experience.

I have been lying awake at night thinking about how much I want her to just hold me, how I wish I could just cry and let it all out, to be seen and heard and comforted, but at the same time I am terrified of it.

I want it because I'm human, and I'm scared of it because I'm human. As human beings we need to be close to others; we need kindness and love, and physical affection. But it is also human to be scared of getting something you really want, because what if you lose it? What if the person who gave it to you suddenly wants to take it back?

This was my story too, Bipolar Warrior. It was so hard to accept the healing my therapist had to offer, both emotionally and physically, surely, I wasnt deserving of it? Take what you need to heal, no matter what anyone else says or does. You are deserving. This is for you and your therapist to workout.

Best wishes to you.

I'm sorry if I said how things are for me. Isn't that Allowed? To me a T cuddling up to a client isn't ethical. I'm not looking for that kind of therapy. I can get that from a fruend. Please don't tell me how to respond. I'm not responsible for how others react to my post and my thoughts and feelings within those posts.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I wasn't suggesting that YOU were looking for anything.

I find it hard to be vulnerable in front of anyone, that's part of the reason why I'm in therapy. So you may be perfectly able to go and get your closeness from a friend, but I struggle with that. I always put on a face and turn everything into a joke. Sarcasm is my armour.

What I am learning in therapy is that when I turn my pain into a joke, it allows me to bully myself about it without really thinking about the damage I am doing to myself. My therapist is the first person who has ever been able to identify that, and as a result she treats me in a way that makes me feel like maybe it is safe to be vulnerable with her, even if just for a little while. Change happens slowly.

It's not that my friends don't care about me, or that I don't feel like I can be myself around them - I have great friends. But they don't see my pain the way my therapist does, because they aren't trained to do that, and it is easier to keep that distance from someone if you can "fool" them a little bit. I can't fool my therapist, she sees right through me, and it feels unbearably close, and yet it makes her that one person I actually want to be close to. I think about it all the time, but I am too afraid to ask for it, and she knows that.

And what does it all mean? That I'm human. That my therapist is human. That's what it means.

If you don't want other people to weigh in with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences, why even post? And I don't mean that as a criticism so much as a genuine question. What's the point?

You can weigh in. But I'm not being allowed to weigh in I didn't disrespect you. I simply stated that that's not what I want. It's been turned into a drama.
You could have read my reply and thought, OK this thread isn't what I want. The end.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I wasn't particularly fazed by it. In fact, I wasn't even the one who pointed it out. But I have seen you do similar things to other people. Maybe you don't mean to, but you sometimes come across as dismissive, which is an attitude that, at least to me, makes very little sense on an internet forum.

Oh gosh. Lol.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Like I said, I don't really care. Do whatever. Just making an observation.

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

Like I said, I don't really care. Do whatever. Just making an observation.

That's a bit dismissive

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

That's a bit dismissive

Very funny.

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

Very funny.

Have your read my follow up thread to this? Does it mean anything to you.
I'd much prefer to discuss therapy than throw personal insults.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Have your read my follow up thread to this? Does it mean anything to you.
I'd much prefer to discuss therapy than throw personal insults.

I don't mean to insult you. I was trying to challenge you, I guess. "Throwing insults" isn't really my thing, but I'm sorry if you felt like that's what I was doing. Wasn't my intention.