[ilikecats]

I'm thinking about getting a gift for my T for Valentine's day. Should I? I see her on Tuesday, so it'll be a couple days after V-day. I got her a small gift over the holidays, and I plan to get her a birthday gift in May. Would it be appropriate to get a little something for V-day too? If so, what should I get? I feel like flowers would be weird, and candy wouldn't be good because she doesn't eat sugar. I am going to give her a card, but what else do people give for V-day?

I wouldn't consider my therapist my valentine, so this wouldn't be something I would even consider doing.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I wouldn't consider my therapist my valentine, so this wouldn't be something I would even consider doing.

Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget that Valentine's day is mainly for romantic couples. I've never had a boyfriend, and my mom isn't married, so we usually just give each other stuff. So I guess that makes me think of it as something you celebrate with anyone you love/care about, which is why I'd want to get my T something. But I wouldn't want her to interpret it as some romantic gesture. Would that be an issue?

[stopdog]

I don't give the woman presents ever, but valentines would be, for me, even weirder than any other time to do so.

[Turtleboy]

i don't think the gift is a good idea imho

[ruh roh]

This is one time you can trust PC to save you from yourself.

If you want to show appreciation, maybe wait a while and give her a thank you card or (even better) just say thanks.

[Chummy]

I don't do anything for valentines day. I got some chocolates from my mum and I gave her a small gift. But that's it. I wouldn't even do valentines if i had a boyfriend.

I don't give T's gifts. Most didn't deserve it. I gave my current T a thank you card when I quit therapy the first time. I had a card for her for Christmas, but I forgot to give it after my session. I'm not sure yet to give her a card this time, because I'm not happy with her leaving me.

But I think it's not that a good idea to give her something for Valentine's day. You could give her a card to thank her and maybe a small gift if you want to do that, just don't give it for Valentine's.

[Lauliza]

It would not be appropriate to give your T something for Valentine's Day. It's not really a holiday, but rather something created so couples can celebrate and spend money on each other. Like another poster said, I would just make a nice card at another time or just tell her.

[AllHeart]

It's a sweet gesture on your part, but, I don't think a card or gift are appropriate for a t. IMO, Valentine gifts and cards are typically reserved for romantic relationships, immediate family members, and sometimes very close friends.

You've given her a Xmas gift, and, plan to give her a birthday gift in a few months. I think that is plenty. Try to keep the balance.

I don't see it as just a holiday for couples. I got several text from friends sending me love, as they wished me Happy Valentine's Day. Kids give, other kids cards, etc. I spoke to my ex therapist yesterday, and we both wished each other Happy...it may have been the first time. I don't remember, nor care. It was said to a friend.

This is such a minor holiday in terms of meaning, other than for sweethearts, families, kids getting candy, or them being forced to give cards to their enemies in class. If my session was on the exact day I might consider giving a card, but if it's not, it seems like "too much," especially because it's after the fact. And, if I didn't get "what a good girl am I" expression, I would feel let down and embarrassed or possibly shame back then. That's just me.

[ilikecats]

Thanks for the input guys! I did get her a card, but it's like a kid one and it's just sweet but not romantic at all. And I'll omit the gift. I think that'll be alright!

[musinglizzy]

I wouldn't.

I had a session with T2 today, and she offered me some dark chocolate hearts she had in her office. I declined, I don't like dark chocolate, but thought it was kinda cute she had them to offer. But no, I would never, as much as I care, acknowledge V-day with my T.

[precaryous]

I saw T Saturday. I brought diet cokes for both us.

[atisketatasket]

I wouldn't even give the card. You're not her child.

Also didn't you just have a major rupture with her?

[caseygirl]

I wouldn't give mine a card or gift.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I wouldn't give my T a valentine's gift or card. It would be inappropriate imo.

Flowers are not a weird gift btw. I gave ex-T flowers as a random gift. She liked them. Only problem she had is the vase since that was worth more than $5.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I wouldn't even give the card. You're not her child.

Also didn't you just have a major rupture with her?

Yeah we had a bit of an issue with her calling the cops on me and sending me to the hospital. I've forgiven her and gotten over it though. I liked her a lot before it happened, so that helped with getting over it because I like her too much to stay mad.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

Thanks for the input guys! I did get her a card, but it's like a kid one and it's just sweet but not romantic at all. And I'll omit the gift. I think that'll be alright!

It might be a good idea to ask yourself why you feel you need to give your t a Valentine card. What are your intentions? Once you uncover your true intentions ask yourself if the card is really necessary and then make the decision.

It's wonderful to give cards, gifts, compliments, praise, and all that good stuff to people when it is done solely from the heart. Even then, there needs to be balance -- it shouldn't be overdone. When giving is done with an expectation or hope for something in return like love, friendship, security in the relationship, whatever, then that discredits you. It doesn't make giving genuine and that doesn't serve the giver or the givee.

I am a naturally caring adult that loves to give all kinds of gifts from my heart. Valentine's day gifts and cards are not an option to anyone except my mom and child (and lover if I had one!!). A t is none of those. That said, I would highly advise against giving your t the V-day card. Even if your intentions are pure and from the heart, it's too much and not appropriate.

[ilikecats]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

It might be a good idea to ask yourself why you feel you need to give your t a Valentine card. What are your intentions? Once you uncover your true intentions ask yourself if the card is really necessary and then make the decision.

It's wonderful to give cards, gifts, compliments, praise, and all that good stuff to people when it is done solely from the heart. Even then, there needs to be balance -- it shouldn't be overdone. When giving is done with an expectation or hope for something in return like love, friendship, security in the relationship, whatever, then that discredits you. It doesn't make giving genuine and that doesn't serve the giver or the givee.

I am a naturally caring adult that loves to give all kinds of gifts from my heart. That said, I would highly advise against giving your t the V-day card. Even if your intentions are pure and from the heart, it's too much.

I think I just want to give it to her because I care about her and want to make her happy. I don't expect anything from it. While I do want her to love me or something, that isn't why I want to give her gifts. I just like to get things for people.

And while I really do appreciate everyone's advice, I don't quite understand what's wrong with giving her a little card for Valentine's day. Kids give their teachers gifts pretty often, and I give my mom and friends stuff for holidays. I feel like my relationship with my T is closer than with any teacher, and I like her as much as I like my family and friends. It's not like I spent a lot of money or anything, and the card just says something about her being special and wishing her smiles for V-day.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I think I just want to give it to her because I care about her and want to make her happy. I don't expect anything from it. While I do want her to love me or something, that isn't why I want to give her gifts. I just like to get things for people.

And while I really do appreciate everyone's advice, I don't quite understand what's wrong with giving her a little card for Valentine's day. Kids give their teachers gifts pretty often, and I give my mom and friends stuff for holidays. I feel like my relationship with my T is closer than with any teacher, and I like her as much as I like my family and friends. It's not like I spent a lot of money or anything, and the card just says something about her being special and wishing her smiles for V-day.

I think to most of us it's just not a valentine relationship. She's not your mom, not your friend, and kids giving teachers gifts is a whole different world from therapy. (The gifts also tend to decrease as students mature.). Yes, you're close because of the nature of therapy, but it's not the closeness you have with family or friends.

I also think from her perspective she probably already knows you care about her and want to make her happy, but I don't think a card will do that for her. I would imagine she would rather see you progressing in therapy even more than you already have.

Eta: Professional is the word I was looking for. You have a professional relationship between adults. Few of those involve the giving of valentines.

Quote ilikecats: "I think I just want to give it to her because I care about her and want to make her happy."

The above sentence states clearly you "want something" in return from your therapist. Puts you on a slippery slope in my opinion only. If it were me, I would heed the advice here...and if you feel you must give it to her have the discussion of what is underneath the giving enlight of your rupture with her.

I usually always see patterns, and short of sexual post, I have never read a thread in 3 1/2 years where NO poster has agreed with the OP's plan.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think a Valentine's gift is not appropriate. She is your therapist. Valentines is mostly for couples or family.

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

"I have never read a thread in 3 1/2 years where NO poster has agreed with the OP's plan.

I don't post here anymore but in response to the above, logged on to say that I don't think it's a big deal like the others are saying. Really, many people don't think of Valentines day as a romantic holiday just as many do not think of Christmas as a religious holiday.

I've read many gift threads here where clients give Ts very intimate and hand made gifts such as poetry and paintings. Certainly a child valentine isn't as intimate as those gifts are.

Of course i am as biased as anyone else. WHile I am not giving my T something for valentine's day, my child parts used to email my T hearts and childlike notes of affection. My parents rejected any self expression and feelings of affection from me.. All those parts long repressed came out in therapy, including expressions of affection. I can also relate to wanting to make my T happy--that was another childlike feeling that emerged in therapy. It wasn't anything pathological.

What I am saying is that I think it's ok. Probably not a good idea for all T/client relationships, but I don't think it's a big deal in your case ILC and this all seems a bit overreactive in my view.

So there's one person who doesn't agree with the mainstream thought here. Just another view to add to the thread.

[junkDNA]

i wouldnt give my T a valentines gift. i have given him gifts for christmas and his birthday. he has given me a few gifts as well. but never valentines. i wouldnt be comfortable with that. if you do give ur T this card, i would be prepared for her to bring it up with you and discuss what it means to you, etc

[Pennster]

I am actually a little surprised at the amount of negativity to this post. I don't have any strong opinion on the notion of acknowledging Valentine's Day in one's therapy with some sort of token, but I tend to think that making gestures in therapy or saying things that one feels inclined to do can be useful. It can be part of just showing up and bringing your whole self into therapy, which for some people is a good idea. You talk about it and see why you feel that way or what it means. If you have a trusting relationship with your therapist, exploring these things is likely to be more useful than not.

But then I don't ascribe a lot of meaning to Valentine's Day, so maybe I'm missing something. I just think of it as a silly day that some people like to mark with little tokens for people they love or their friends or whatever.