[lunatic soul]

I see another T but rarely, he is above 50.
I couldnt talk about my sexual issues with my former T. My current T is male too, I cant talk to women.
Im afraid if I told him about my sexual issues, he would start to think about me sexually like my former T did. I would feel disgusted if he thought about me this way but as I said I cant talk to female T, I have tried. I need help, maybe therapy cant help me.
My former T told me its impossible not to think about sexual stuff Im saying. My current T told me Im attractive but it was in context. Many people used to say- it wont be difficult for you to find a boyfriend because you are attractive.
Im afraid that male Ts think about their female clients in sexual way, I would be mad and run away. So Im scared to even risk to talk about my sexual stuff. I dont know why it bothers me so much, maybe its an issue too. Im not sure I could get over myself and talk about it.
I also dont know can it help me, maybe I simply need to read books about it.

Can I ask why you can't talk to female ts? I am sorry that you are feeling like this about current t but if it was your experience with previous t I can see why you would expect it. I think it's important that you have a t with really strong boundaries who can hear what you need to say about sexuality and yet if he does think about it ( ts are human), that he won't tell you! I think that was a big boundary crossing for your last t. I really think trying a female t could help, that is if you really want to work through this stuff.

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[Bipolar Warrior]

I, too, am curious as to why you can't talk to a female therapist. I would think that they'd be able to understand you better, or at least in a way that a male therapist can't?

[Argonautomobile]

Ah, that sucks. It's a deeply distressing thing, isn't it? That someone in a helping position would sexualize the relationship...

How long have you been seeing current T? Maybe you just need a little more time to develop that trust. Alternatively, you could always talk vaguely about the issue to test the waters--If "Id like to talk about some things but I'm worried you'll start thinking about me in a sexual way" is too threatening, how about, "I'm sometimes afraid that people in my life will think about me in a sexual way if I bring up certain topics, so I don't. What do you think I should do about that?"

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

I, too, am curious as to why you can't talk to a female therapist. I would think that they'd be able to understand you better, or at least in a way that a male therapist can't?

Its hard to explain why I cant talk to female T, I have tried. I just cant open myself and men's opinion means more to me then women's opinion. I dont like women, I always pretend Im okay if there is a woman no matter where it is. I have tried female Ts, its hard to talk to them about anything, its much easier for me to talk to man. Maybe deep inside I think that women are evil.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Its hard to explain why I cant talk to female T, I have tried. I just cant open myself and men's opinion means more to me then women's opinion. I dont like women, I always pretend Im okay if there is a woman no matter where it is. I have tried female Ts, its hard to talk to them about anything, its much easier for me to talk to man. Maybe deep inside I think that women are evil.

"Women are evil"? "men's opinons mean more to me than women's opinions"?
O-kayyyy... I wouldn't normally comment on that but my god does it reek of misogyny.
That's a shame you think that way. That's all I can say.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

Ah, that sucks. It's a deeply distressing thing, isn't it? That someone in a helping position would sexualize the relationship...

How long have you been seeing current T? Maybe you just need a little more time to develop that trust. Alternatively, you could always talk vaguely about the issue to test the waters--If "Id like to talk about some things but I'm worried you'll start thinking about me in a sexual way" is too threatening, how about, "I'm sometimes afraid that people in my life will think about me in a sexual way if I bring up certain topics, so I don't. What do you think I should do about that?"

Second version is okay, I have been thinking of saying something similar like this. I will wait a little bit and then maybe I will try to talk about it. Maybe it would be easier to talk to my friend at first.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Myrto

"Women are evil"? "men's opinons mean more to me than women's opinions"?
O-kayyyy... I wouldn't normally comment on that but my god does it reek of misogyny.
That's a shame you think that way. That's all I can say.

Im sorry but thats my experience with women, many bad experiences etc. Its how I feel, Im woman too and it seems that women like to destroy each other. I dont say Im right, I say how I feel about them. I didnt want to say that women here are evil, we dont see each other in real life.
We all are lil bit crazy here with traumatic experiences.

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by Myrto

"Women are evil"? "men's opinons mean more to me than women's opinions"?
O-kayyyy... I wouldn't normally comment on that but my god does it reek of misogyny.
That's a shame you think that way. That's all I can say.

Firstly, I think this comment is completely uncalled for. It is not our place on this forum to bully people when they have feeling and opinions that differ from our own. You don't know anything about this person, how she grew up, what kind of issues she's had with women in her life. Misogyny is a sad thing for many but a gender divide is real and normal for many as well. At least she is introspective enough to call herself on it and recognize that that's a really struggle for her. And on top of that I think this is a relatively normal response in at least my culture. Women have fought so much for equal rights that they have forgotten a certain sense of community amongst themselves and you often see women subconsciously enter into competition with others. Yes this can stem from self consciousness and low esteem, but many will attempt to be unfazed, in control, and normal around those that they perceive in competition with.

Sorry to jump in, but this comment really bothered me.

As for the original statement, I think it would be really good for you to have a conversation with your therapist about what it would be like to talk about sex stuff. You don't have to let him in on any details yet, just feel out the room and see if it would be something you two could come to be comfortable with.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

Firstly, I think this comment is completely uncalled for. It is not our place on this forum to bully people when they have feeling and opinions that differ from our own. You don't know anything about this person, how she grew up, what kind of issues she's had with women in her life. Misogyny is a sad thing for many but a gender divide is real and normal for many as well. At least she is introspective enough to call herself on it and recognize that that's a really struggle for her. And on top of that I think this is a relatively normal response in at least my culture. Women have fought so much for equal rights that they have forgotten a certain sense of community amongst themselves and you often see women subconsciously enter into competition with others. Yes this can stem from self consciousness and low esteem, but many will attempt to be unfazed, in control, and normal around those that they perceive in competition with.

Sorry to jump in, but this comment really bothered me.

As for the original statement, I think it would be really good for you to have a conversation with your therapist about what it would be like to talk about sex stuff. You don't have to let him in on any details yet, just feel out the room and see if it would be something you two could come to be comfortable with.

I normally wouldn't have said anything but her stance that women are evil really bothered me and I don't care how traumatized you've been in life, this is a ****ed up comment.

Originally Posted by Myrto

I normally wouldn't have said anything but her stance that women are evil really bothered me and I don't care how traumatized you've been in life, this is a ****ed up comment.

She didn't say women are evil. She said deep inside maybe she thinks women are evil. She owned that as her feelings. I had many negative feelings about women too due to my upbringing and can completely understand not being able to open up to a female T.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I had many negative feelings about women too due to my upbringing and can completely understand not being able to open up to a female T.

Me too - Im a girl, and theres no way I could see a female T.

I understand. I am female and also prefer to have a male T and am in general more motivated to talk about deeply personal things to men, including sex. It's related to personal history like for others. I don't think there is anything wrong or weird about these preferences. If you feel uncomfortable, could you maybe probe into how your T reacts to sexual topics first before getting into the very personal details? Maybe even tell him that you would like to talk about sex but feel uncomfortable and would like him to help with the discussion. I think a decent T should not behave provocative in any way or make you think that he is fantasizing about you or something and would handle the subject just like any other conversations, especially if you express your concern beforehand.

[divine1966]

I am a female and attractive. I don't think every man wants me though. Do you think of men as kind of animals? My gyn is a man and I always had men gyn. I don't think just because he is a man he wants me sexually.

If you are uncomfortable talking about sex with men then get female therapists. Otherwise just don't worry about.

If thinking that every men wants sex when he hears about it is causing you anxiety then discuss with your t. Tell him you have tendency to think that of men.

I am not sure how you think your t wants you sexually. As I recall he said you are attractive, so did my t. I know for a fact she had no hots for me

Did you stop seeing your old t?

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[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am a female and attractive. I don't think every man wants me though. Do you think of men as kind of animals? My gyn is a man and I always had men gyn. I don't think just because he is a man he wants me sexually.

If you are uncomfortable talking about sex with men then get female therapists. Otherwise just don't worry about.

If thinking that every men wants sex when he hears about it is causing you anxiety then discuss with your t. Tell him you have tendency to think that of men.

I am not sure how you think your t wants you sexually. As I recall he said you are attractive, so did my t. I know for a fact she had no hots for me

Did you stop seeing your old t?

My former T told me he has sexual fantasies about me.
My current T- I am completely sure he doesnt think of me that way but I am paranoid about men because I have bad experience and my former T told me that its impossible not to imagine what Im saying, I dont think that they would think about it when Im not near but I dont want them to imagine what Im saying about my sexual life when I talk about it.

[Argonautomobile]

There's nothing unnatural or wrong about being a little gun-shy after having had negative experiences with guns. Nothing weird about admitting generalized negative feelings after a specific negative experience. OP isn't leading the movement to rescind women's rights because everyone with a hoo-ha is evil or shouting "ALL MEN ARE PERVERTS!" from the top of a mountain. She's expressing being in a difficult place therapeutically and I can totally relate to it.

OP, I think it's a really awesome start that you have the insight to see prejudices and fears surrounding how you see each gender. Brains are weird and we don't always choose the beliefs we get messaged. But we can choose to change them--and that, I think, is an encouraging thought.

I think I can relate to your situation somewhat--I'm actually quite happy with my male T and the idea of a female T makes me sort of nervous for some reason. I'm often intimidated by other women and sometimes seem to get along better with men generally. How ironic, then, that I sometimes found myself threatened by my T's maleness when we came to a topic that reminded me of it--I'm shy around issues of sexuality and abuse. That sort of thing tends to happen when you're sexually abused (and, yes, I'd consider having a therapist--a figure who is supposed to be safe--admit sexual fantasies about you to be a kind of abuse. It certainly is a mind-f***, anyway)

So who is left for me to talk about these things with? My dog? My god? Nobody--not unless I can brave my own fears and help someone else help me replace my own dysfunctional prejudices with healthier assumptions.

I readily admit it--I had to learn that there were safe males. That doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me a person whose formative experiences led me to believe that males were not safe.

OP, I hope you can talk about this with your T and learn that there are safe male T's. That not all of them are going to see you as a sexual object or turn you into some fantasy slut version of yourself in their heads. Maybe you can talk about how you feel about women, too, and come to appreciate that not all women are going to hurt you, either. I think it'll be a weight off your shoulders when it happens. Best of luck.

[divine1966]

I would report a t who said he has sexual fantasies about a client. What was he thinking????

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Originally Posted by divine1966

I would report a t who said he has sexual fantasies about a client. What was he thinking????

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I would too, I mean what possible therapeutic purpose would this disclosure have!

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[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I would report a t who said he has sexual fantasies about a client. What was he thinking????

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Sounds like a classic he said/she said. Who do you think will win that one?

[RedSun]

Lunatic soul, I hope I understand a little about what you are saying. It is a dilemma that I recognise from therapy and other situations in life...to talk about sexual issues brings sex I to the room...the other person may well start thinking sexually, may be aroused, may think that the intention was to arouse or manipulate...
I guess that starting a discussion with those fears first might be helpful? Also, to acknowledge that that erotic feeling may be in the room, but no one need act on it in any way, feels at least an honest way to work. I do feel that I understand the fear of always being viewed as a sexual object, and that's not the same as thinking that everyone finds me attractive...for me, personally, i think that it's something I do to people, but hopefully I'm starting, slowly, to see something different.

I hope you can work this out with your T.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy

Sounds like a classic he said/she said. Who do you think will win that one?

True. But if he says it to other clients and they all cons forward? Well at least i wouldn't continue with that t

I am just surprised that op said she is afraid of women yet this male t is as bad and scary as it gets.

I wonder what's the context? Did he just randomly said he fantasizes about sex with op? Like how did he even start the conversation

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[Lauliza]

No matter how attractive you are, a good, stable male T should be able to talk to you without thinking sexually about you, unless of course what you say is very graphic. If that's the case, I would explore ways to set boundaries for yourself and discuss sexual issues in a way that is appropriate. I don't know if what you want to say is graphic in nature or not, but I have followed your posts about previous T and I know boundaries were crossed.

I understand that you don't like to talk to women, but maybe this is a challenge to explore further. I am just guessing but your distaste for female Ts and need to talk about sex with male Ts - and ultimately wondering if they are attracted to you - is an issue to address in of itself.

[divine1966]

Overall I keep noticing that you have rather difficult and bad situations with men, including wanting to have sex with them even if they verbatim tell you they don't love you. These repeated unhealthy interactions with men in my opinion could be explored in therapy. Yet in therapy you still worry or want or don't want relationship with these men, therapists. You worry about what they want rather than worrying how to improve your life. In these circumstances I wonder if seeing a female t would be the most beneficial?

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