[rainbow8]

Lately my T has been commenting on whether I'm present in the session or not. Last week she said the way I was sitting looked like I wasn't present. I was kind of slouching but I think I always sit like that. She had me sit up and make sure my feet were on the floor.

The week before when I was going on about my week, she said it seemed like I wasn't present, and if I'm not present, I don't feel connected to her. She wanted me to look around the room, then at her, and tell her how I feel.

I like to feel connected to her but at the same time, her commenting on my being present or not, makes me feel afraid, like I want to hide from her. Every session she asks me if she's sitting where I want her to be. Is her chair too close or too far.

I don't think I dissociate but I sort of check out and avoid eye contact sometimes. I feel very close to my T now, so I'm not sure why I still do this. Why can't I stay totally present with her? I can be present when I'm talking with her about hard stuff but when she wants me to look at her and asks how I feel, I get scared. I think the intimacy is what makes me panic.

Does anyone else's T concentrate on your being in the present with them?

Yes,

My T often says that I enter my "head space" and that stops me from being fully present in the room.

I like feeling connected to my T too, but it's also scary because I feel vulnerable.

I would want to checkout because of the topic of discussion or a particular person and the feelings talking about them were causing, not because of what was going on with me and my therapist. As much as my parents loved me, and tried to show it (still today), it did not lead to safety and security growing up, or as an adult. I'm quite lucky that my therapist figured out how to help me heal my past, and feel the love (still in the same way), offered by my elderly parents (~80 yrs). Today, I understand many times they meant well, but they missed the boat big time back then, and none of this makes them bad people. I was able to mourn my past, and move into a much satisfying today and future.

I think I am usually mentally very present in terms of anything we talk about and the interaction between us. It's more an intellectual presence though and I often have delayed emotional reactions -- this has been a long standing issue for me not only in therapy. Then when I do feel my feelings strongly outside of session, I would love to suddenly see my T, but often by next time I go, the emotional detachment sort of comes back.

My T mentioned to me before that what works best is to express feelings in the moment in the session, but I still find this challenging, I think I unconsciously resist being flooded by emotions, fearing that I would be swept away by them and make a fool of myself. One of my goals in therapy is to improve this aspect of the communication as I am certain doing this might also improve my relationships with people. I'm glad that I read this thread, good reminder to ask my T to help me with this more.

I am not so sure that the best approach to help is to just say "try to be more present" -- that's not giving any guidance, more a type of criticism and of course it can scare the client. I think a more helpful strategy would be to actually engage us more with how to achieve more presence. I think that with some clients, focusing on the physical and non-verbal aspects of the interaction (like body language, eye contact etc) can be good... I personally don't think it would help me as I am already usually very aware of this and have no problem sensing and maintaining that sort of connection, I actually need it and doubt that doing therapy over the phone, for example, would work for me. It's more my own emotions I tend to detach from in the moment and so it's hard to discuss those in depth.

[kecanoe]

t3 asks if I ma present and encourages me to get grounded. I do dissociate more than most, but all people dissociate some.

This may be similar to what you are talking about, Rainbow, but I'm not sure. One of the things I've learned about myself is that at a very early age I learned how to "pretend" that I'm interacting with people. I taught myself how to smile in an engaging manner, I could talk in a humorous, jovial way that made people laugh with delight, I would gesture and talk about things I knew people were interested in (I knew what they were interested in because I had watched very closely and carefully to determine what they liked) and most of all, I would get them to talk about themselves. I've been told that I am an incredible listener. But you know what? I am really not present when I'm doing this. I'm acting. I was setting out a cardboard cut-out of a person, one sided, flat and without a real presence--a person that I thought others wanted to engage with. Of course, when I got into therapy, I learned that I do this in therapy too--big surprise, huh .

I often come into therapy with a pre-arranged topic or agenda. I'm not the kind of person who just walks in, flops down and lets whatever is in my head come to the surface. I HAVE to have a topic of conversation and I attempt to amuse and engage my therapist with my cut-out paper doll of a person. It didn't take her long to realize what I was doing. She didn't dismiss that part of me, but she caught on to my antics Slowly I've begun to realize that the person who performs in therapy keeps people at bay--I create superficial relationships so I don't have to go any deeper. It's friendship or relationships on my terms.

When I'm truly present in a session, I'm not trying to impress my therapist. I'm not trying to make her laugh or joke. I'm not trying to have an amusing or engaging conversation about what's going on at the weekly writer's group I attend. Basically when I'm truly present, I'm not trying to hide the real me. When I'm present, I often feel confused and discombobulated. I'm not always sure what or where my center is when I'm fully present. I can often feel a sliver of shame or humiliation when I'm fully present, as if I'm slightly off balance or off kilter. I have a hard time making eye contact because I'm struggling to remain hidden and I can't put on my cardboard face. That's what being fully present means to me--it usually means I'm totally raw and confused and trying to find my center. I know that doesn't make total sense, but it is what it is!

My T doesn't talk to me about this, but I've talked to her about it. I feel similar to what you describe - I don't dissociate, but I'm often not very connected, it's something that I want to work on. Sometimes I say something to her and I avoid any response she might make.

[RedSun]

Sometimes I really T is asking me where I am...she says I 'leave the building'

I think in terms of being really present though, I probably wasn't for the first six months or more. Jaybird, what you said was really interesting, about not bringing your real self, and that real self actually being quite in centred. Yes, reading your post I think I do that too. I hide behind rehearsed anecdotes and make-up and clothes.

No. Therapy is about trying to understand any given state a client presents with.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Are you joking? At £45 per hour I am very present indeed. I do have a serious inclination with tuning out into my own little world and when with T fight it.

[spring2014]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Lately my T has been commenting on whether I'm present in the session or not. Last week she said the way I was sitting looked like I wasn't present. I was kind of slouching but I think I always sit like that. She had me sit up and make sure my feet were on the floor.

The week before when I was going on about my week, she said it seemed like I wasn't present, and if I'm not present, I don't feel connected to her. She wanted me to look around the room, then at her, and tell her how I feel.

I like to feel connected to her but at the same time, her commenting on my being present or not, makes me feel afraid, like I want to hide from her. Every session she asks me if she's sitting where I want her to be. Is her chair too close or too far.

I don't think I dissociate but I sort of check out and avoid eye contact sometimes. I feel very close to my T now, so I'm not sure why I still do this. Why can't I stay totally present with her? I can be present when I'm talking with her about hard stuff but when she wants me to look at her and asks how I feel, I get scared. I think the intimacy is what makes me panic.

Does anyone else's T concentrate on your being in the present with them?

hi rainbow,
my therapist knows that im in the present moment.she can tell by looking at my posture when im sitting down on the couch facing her . she knows that im in the present cuz we always do an exercise to help me to come back to the present moment after doing dual awareness and she did an exercise last week with me in session about does it feel to be a productive member of society contributing . its a way that your therapist is helping you to focus on was is around you . its like a visualization and guided imagery exercises that will help you to deal w difficult emotions and thoughts .

Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs =75 mgs when up past 1:00 in the morning

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Lately my T has been commenting on whether I'm present in the session or not. Last week she said the way I was sitting looked like I wasn't present. I was kind of slouching but I think I always sit like that. She had me sit up and make sure my feet were on the floor.

The week before when I was going on about my week, she said it seemed like I wasn't present, and if I'm not present, I don't feel connected to her. She wanted me to look around the room, then at her, and tell her how I feel.

I like to feel connected to her but at the same time, her commenting on my being present or not, makes me feel afraid, like I want to hide from her. Every session she asks me if she's sitting where I want her to be. Is her chair too close or too far.

I don't think I dissociate but I sort of check out and avoid eye contact sometimes. I feel very close to my T now, so I'm not sure why I still do this. Why can't I stay totally present with her? I can be present when I'm talking with her about hard stuff but when she wants me to look at her and asks how I feel, I get scared. I think the intimacy is what makes me panic.

Does anyone else's T concentrate on your being in the present with them?

Hi rainbow, My T doesn't use that phrase, but she will encourage me to allow myself to feel. She knows how to hear (that 3rd ear) what I'm saying, sees the thread running throughout what I am telling her when I talk about work, for example. She analyzes whatever I put out there and it's surprising where we end up sometimes.

It's me who gets frustrated if I go in and talk about 'stupid work stuff' for a long time. When I mention that frustration, she might ask me if there is something else I want to talk about, but am not. Or if I am aware of avoiding talking about something. Sometimes I am, other times not.

She also might ask something similar when I change the subject. Not as a criticism for changing the subject, because free flowing is what we both want. But she wants to help me see the reason(s) behind changing the subject in that moment - is there a feeling that's becoming overwhelming, or is just unpleasant, etc. Usually it's a fear of some kind.

These are ways she helps me get to know and understand me.

[Miswimmy1]

My old t would comment on my body language and my overall vibe that I was giving off that day. There were some days where I would hide behind her pillows or scrunch into the corner of her sofa. There was even one day where she pointed out that I was balancing on one armrest, as if to be as far away from her as possible. I hadn't even noticed. Sometimes, I would just shut down and go somewhere inside. And she would say, "Where did you just go?" She was freakishly good at catching me starting to zone out; sometimes I didn't even realize it.

When she would point out my behavior or a change in my demeanor, it did make me feel a bit vulnerable. But I knew that she wasn't being confrontational about it. She was just making observations. Most of the time, she could help bring me back.