I finally did it. I thought it would be empowering because it became apparent to me that we were playing out past trauma. Yet I am stunned it kept going on.

But then i was really surprised he was so cruel. Then he said I was making myself a victim. I don't understand as he chose to be cruel, I didn't have control over that. I thought we could use the session to end on a good note, but he used the time to say bad things about my contributions to the therapy not working.

I was devastated because I thought he cared. He told me before he cared. We had a good relationship for the most part, now I am questioning-was any of that real? Was it just in my mind?

He did say it wasnt working because of my transference, but i think some of it was his lack of flexibility and other things, but he said it was all me. he had nothing good to say to me.. It hurts so bad.It feels like knives in my stomach. I can't stop thinking about ending my life. Why didn't I get out sooner? I'm paralyzed with anxiety, I can't even breathe right. It really hurts to end like this. I feel I'm worse now than before I started years ago.

[BudFox]

Cant lie, this makes me angry. I totally feel for you. So you initiated the stopping? If so did you get a sense that he was offended or wounded by this? And then took it out on you?

I questioned everything also, once the disillusion and betrayal hit.

There is a quote from a psychoanalyst that says the T is to blame for treatment failure, 100% of it. And to blame the client is as silly as blaming a chair for having bumped into it.

I have had suicidal thoughts at times, not serious ones, but still… Don't blame yourself.

[Focus62]

I'm so sorry ex vivo. Ts shouldn't be criticizing their clientele. I hope you find a much better T for you soon.

[doyoutrustme]

I think he probably did care, but he's a terrible therapist. And insecure to boot! To unload on a patient like that! Grrr.

[Gavinandnikki]

I'm so sorry. The pain of a therapist essentially telling you it was all a farce is heartbreaking. It's like, wtf, were we in the twilight zone? And you paid your hard-earned $ to end up with him feeding you this bs? Sickening and, unfortunately, becoming a more common event.

I'm so sorry

You were so brave speaking up and telling him that it wasn't working for you. He's a s$#t for taking out his embarrassment and humiliation for not being something that he thought or believed he was as a professional. I'm so sorry you had to sit there and hear his blaming excuses! What an idiot. Don't believe one word that jerk said to you. He only demonstrated his ignorance, unprofessionalism and poor training, but I know that doesn't make the words he used any less painful. Take care of yourself.

[growlycat]

transference takes 2 people. To blame everything on you is pompous.

[missbella]

I had a therapist team go beserk with rage when I wanted to quit. At the time it felt like the Voices of Authority condemning me. Over time I saw them for the vainglorious fools they were--lashing out of wounding over my rejection.

Sounds like your therapist really showed his stripes. What you describe is utterly unprofessional.

[stopdog]

Wow - what a temper tantrum throwing baby he proved to be. You are well shed of him I think.

[Citrine22]

I am very sorry how your therapist treated you, when you decided to terminate with him, as others have said, clearly you made the right decision to leave him, just by his reaction to this. Very unprofessional!
Please take good care of yourself, and look for another therapist, as soon as you are up to it. You deserve a good therapist. They are out there, you have a good idea what to look for now. Take good care. Keep posting, you are heard.

[missbella]

I've seen therapists get quite belligerent when someone refuses to feed their god complexes. I even set off seeming hysteria among them when I down voted a condescending ethics book on Amazon.

I'm still in shock over this. I cried all night, my head hurts.
The thing is, he's always been very professional. The only red flag I've seen over several years is his not taking responsibility for anything.

One of the main reasons I quit was because I felt the way he did therapy was having a negative affect on my self worth. he never said good things about me or encouraged me. I don't mean complimenting me, but in ways I read about hear all the time on this forum from those who have good relationships with their Ts. I've wanted him to change his approach a bit, thinking some flexibility is reasonable for any therapist. After trying a few times, I decided to quit.

I did send him an angry email to give him a heads up about quitting. He said it was insulting and demeaning. Now I see that could have been. But it was mostly about how his therapy approach was harming me--not about him personally. I know I was angry; I really regret showing my anger to him.

Our whole session consisted of telling me how bad I am. I was trying to do something for myself to try to improve my self worth, and now I feel the lowest ever. It backfired. I don't think i'll ever get over the things he said about me. He said any problems I had with the therapy were transference. I kept disagreeing. I told him bad shameful stuff about myself, and now I know how he truly felt about me all this time.

I don't think I can get myself to ever see another therapist again. Thank you for your support.

[AnxiousGirl]

I'm so sorry that you had to end that way.

Once or twice in the year of seeing T, I told her I wanted to quit because I felt as if everything was my fault and I thought I was getting too annoying and taking a long time to "get better". My T talked me through it and even said she would prefer I stay longer because she felt as if we haven't even covered all the important concepts. Maybe he did care a bit that he got offended and blaming you was, in the weirdest way, a caring mechanism? I could be SO wrong though.

Try to take a break a bit, and see if you would like to go back maybe to a different T. Just an idea.

Goodluck with whatever you choose to do.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by ex vivo

I'm still in shock over this. I cried all night, my head hurts.
The thing is, he's always been very professional. The only red flag I've seen over several years is his not taking responsibility for anything.

As someone said, client blaming is a hallmark of the biz. Mine was professional (mostly) too but when the sht hit the fan, she wouldn't take responsibility either. Some narcissism emerged that was not discernible previously. Scar-ry.

Originally Posted by ex vivo

One of the main reasons I quit was because I felt the way he did therapy was having a negative affect on my self worth. he never said good things about me or encouraged me.

That sounds like abuse.

Originally Posted by ex vivo

I did send him an angry email to give him a heads up about quitting. He said it was insulting and demeaning. Now I see that could have been. But it was mostly about how his therapy approach was harming me--not about him personally. I know I was angry; I really regret showing my anger to him.

Jeez, I kinda thought a good T was supposed to tolerate anger and not take it personally. If he found it insulting and demeaning, he can go see his own therapist and work though that. Are you supposed to comfort him now? Sounds like a nightmare. But at least you quit, you told him how you really feel. Kinda sounds like you are being the mature and rational one.

[Mygrandjourney]

Best of luck and thanks for being so honest. Perhaps you could use this experience to inform yourself should you decide to return to therapy (with a new therapist, of course) in the future.

AnxiousGirl, that was cool of your T to encourage you to stay and work things through. I don't think it was a caring, but I wish. Sometimes I felt he cared about me, but after last meeting, I am questioning whether that was a distortion on my part. Good to point out potential silver linings though.

BudFox, I don't think the self worth issue was his fault at all. I was just trying to think of ways to make it better which led to the discussion of his therapy approach (which I think is part of the reason it wasn't getting better after several years of therapy with him). The thing is, I have told him over and over that I think he is a competent, ethical, and quality therapist. So I was really surprised he thought I insulted him when I said that I don't think he does 'relational' therapy as he insisted he did and so I have to quit after trying to tell him so many times.

I still don't see him doing therapy that way. It's so different than the therapies I read here and have read in various books. If anything was ever abusive in our therapy though, how he treated me in this last session may have been. And the blaming me for everything--I can't get over how bad this makes me feel about myself. I can't see that transference explains everything. But I really have tried. I barely ever missed a session, even on the first day of work on new jobs, I was there at our regular time. I thought telling him how I felt was the right thing to do, even when angry...

Mygrandjourney, I suppose this experience informs me to never trust a therapist again. I was so incredibly attached to him. I still am. Even though I am the one who is quitting, it still feels like he abandoned me and I don't think I can ever let myself get that close to another therapist ever again.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by ex vivo

If anything was ever abusive in our therapy though, how he treated me in this last session may have been. And the blaming me for everything--I can't get over how bad this makes me feel about myself. I can't see that transference explains everything.

I realized in hindsight with my T from 2 yrs ago that therapy didnt really start until things got ugly, following termination. Prior to that we were in familiar roles and playing a sort of game.

I asked for a bit more contact via phone and began pointing out uncomfortable things and asking questions. She got increasingly defensive and hostile.

It's easy to be professional and caring when things are cordial and comfortable. But bad behavior and blaming in response to conflict pretty much turned the whole thing into a fraud for me.

[missbella]

Long after my therapists' accusatory, condemning and contemptuous goodbyes, and losing my case before the grievance board, I surveyed psych literature for explanations. I found plenty of client blaming and bashing, starting with Freud and early analysts' contortions to explain negative therapeutic reaction-- why some patients fail to thrive under their brilliant care. Unfortunately, some therapists seem so caught in theory they see responses to them as transference and "material" rather than legitimate reactions to their own very real behavior.

I can't keep it together. I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of a store today. I'm not functioning. HOw am going to work this week?

He also commented i'm masochistic. We've been working together for 3 years now and yesterday he told me I was machositic. What? Maybe I am at times, but I am just learning this now? He went on and on about my faults. I am so confused.

There is a big, gaping wound opened. I feel it in my stomach, it's a constant pain.
My parents didn't want me or love me, never said anything positive about me and wanted to get rid of me, so this is a huge, core wound. I looked up at him as a father figure, it really, really hurts to find out he actually hated me all this time.

[SoupDragon]

You completely did the right thing in telling your T what was going on for you. Your T's response was terrible and unprofessional. Ultimately T's are human and I guess it is human to experience negative stuff if we feel criticised, but your T should have had more awareness of his achilles heel and should have responded to you as a therapist and not from his emotions.

I would feel devastated if my T acted in this way. I am so sorry that your T did this to you.

I hope you will feel able to seek another, better T.

[missbella]

I also found "The Doctor's" condemning assessment of me excruciating. He said I had no friends, was out of touch with reality (because I thought his practice ineffectual.) The co therapist said "something about you makes me want to kick you."

Initially I was devasted. Eventually I began reading and understanding. I saw that some therapists seem to be on power trips, see themselves as infallible, as omniscient and clairvoyant, and settle for no less than worship from their adoring patients. They confuse their fabrications and speculation with irrefutable fact. Rejection for these types is difficult to take.

Then I saw the therapists not as sages, but as nerds, likely high school reject types who went to school, got a degree, found themselves over their heads when people went to them for help, and began believing their own publicity. None of my therapists are particularly intelligent, insightful or even have common sense.

[Rose76]

It wasn't working because of your transference? That sounds like such self-serving crap to me. Therapists never take responsibility for anything.

[precaryous]

ex vivo,

Im sorry the therapist treated you that way. Im sorry remembering the meeting has you bursting into tears. I'm sorry he blamed you. That T acted immaturely and unprofessionally.

Even if you had been the perfect patient, working hard in all areas...this would not have worked out. That T's actions are inexcusable.

SoupDragon-yes, his response was terrible and unprofessional, and he did not respond to me like a therapist, but like you said, he is human and so will make mistakes. So I wonder if he is very rejection sensitive and just didn't hold back. I still have really affectionate feelings for him, and I care about him. I know this all probably doesn't seem like the end of the world to people, but it really does feel devastating. It did make me relive some trauma-I've been having odd dissociative symptoms.

missbella - i'm really sorry that happened to you. That was so mean of them! I'm really glad you found a way to deal with it.

Rose76 - that's the part that makes me angry-his not taking any responsibility for the failed therapy. I don't believe, by any means, it's all him, but we always argue because he thinks everything is transference. In the end, it is so hurtful.

Thank you, precarious. I do think I can forgive him though. I just am not sure if we ever could work together after this. I'd always be wondering in the back of my mind if he thinks of me in all the negative ways he mentioned.

He is not a bad person, and this bad doesn't erase the good there was, but I still am shocked at his behavior. We are supposed to meet next week. I'm not sure if it will make things better or worse. I am a little better tonight, and am not sure what to do. I don't want to end like this, but then again--will next time be worse?

[missbella]

I don't see any advantage to returning for more punishment if the therapist is completely controlled be his own vanity. My therapist team intimated and coerced me into staying far longer than I wanted. That was a big mistake and the time they did the most damage.

I don't know the answer, but would advise, through bitter experience, to abandon all "shoulds" and make self preservation your priority. I wish I had
TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line when I went through my ordeal.