[EllieBear]

I know this topic has been discussed before here, so I've been looking for an old thread about it instead of starting a new one. I figured if I could find an old thread then I wouldn't have to re-ask the same questions and you all wouldn't have to re-answer the same questions (and then I would feel like less of a burden...which I already feel like today, so maybe I just need to ask the question). So here goes...

My T asked me something today that I couldn't answer, so my homework is to think about how to answer it. We've been doing a lot of trauma work, and I have a lot of childhood trauma. I have been avoiding anything that connects me to the trauma or anything that makes me feel like that little kid again, mostly because I am avoiding all the pain associated with what happened. I don't know how to deal with all of that. I've talked about a lot of the trauma I can put into a coherent "story", meaning I can tell her what happened. We have worked on connecting the feelings to the experiences. I'm doing better with all of that, but here's where I get stuck...there is a lot that happened in the first couple years of my life, that I can't put into words or explain. I know what I have been told by others. I don't want to give any details because I don't want to trigger anyone, but I know just from what I've been told that things were very bad. So I have other people's comments, which kind of validate my feelings, but then I just have this big mess of feelings I can't explain, and pieces of experiences I can see in my head but I cannot put any words to what I see. It's so weird. So my question is, how do you deal with preverbal trauma? I can't explain it to anyone. I can't talk it through to process it. I can't even verbalize how it feels. I've talked about what I've been told, but it's not the same because yes it makes sense and explains some things, but I have no connection to the experiences they are telling me about. Whenever my T and I start to talk about it, I just want to curl up and cry, but I don't know how to tell her why.

Has anyone found a way to deal with trauma they can't put into a coherent memory?

[BonnieJean]

EllieBear - I remember those previous threads on this topic, too.

The pre-verbal times don't come up too often for me. We get way back to pre-verbal after talking about childhood sometimes. I have paid attention to and talked to t about the feelings I experience now that seem related to that time. Like what feels frustrating? where am I sensing things - is my stomach upset? is my chest uncomfortable? are my fists clenched? T helps put it in perspective as it relates to what my circumstances back then. What might make sense, etc. It helps me. Her thing about dealing with trauma verbal or before is that acknowledging it the first step. There's no quick fix. For me it comes from teasing out these little moments that are before coherent memory with her for better understanding. I don't think I could do this by myself.

The fact that you just want to curl up and cry when you and t start to talk about it sounds like a great place to start. You aren't responsible for knowing or telling her 'why' you are feeling the way you are. Maybe it will help if you try to get into that feeling as much as you can and then describe it to t.

[moonlitsky]

Originally Posted by EllieBear

I know this topic has been discussed before here, so I've been looking for an old thread about it instead of starting a new one. I figured if I could find an old thread then I wouldn't have to re-ask the same questions and you all wouldn't have to re-answer the same questions (and then I would feel like less of a burden...which I already feel like today, so maybe I just need to ask the question). So here goes...

My T asked me something today that I couldn't answer, so my homework is to think about how to answer it. We've been doing a lot of trauma work, and I have a lot of childhood trauma. I have been avoiding anything that connects me to the trauma or anything that makes me feel like that little kid again, mostly because I am avoiding all the pain associated with what happened. I don't know how to deal with all of that. I've talked about a lot of the trauma I can put into a coherent "story", meaning I can tell her what happened. We have worked on connecting the feelings to the experiences. I'm doing better with all of that, but here's where I get stuck...there is a lot that happened in the first couple years of my life, that I can't put into words or explain. I know what I have been told by others. I don't want to give any details because I don't want to trigger anyone, but I know just from what I've been told that things were very bad. So I have other people's comments, which kind of validate my feelings, but then I just have this big mess of feelings I can't explain, and pieces of experiences I can see in my head but I cannot put any words to what I see. It's so weird. So my question is, how do you deal with preverbal trauma? I can't explain it to anyone. I can't talk it through to process it. I can't even verbalize how it feels. I've talked about what I've been told, but it's not the same because yes it makes sense and explains some things, but I have no connection to the experiences they are telling me about. Whenever my T and I start to talk about it, I just want to curl up and cry, but I don't know how to tell her why.

Has anyone found a way to deal with trauma they can't put into a coherent memory?

Hello EllieBear

Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with early trauma.

For me the answer was the transference - how I felt in relationship with my therapist. In the relationship with her I have re experienced the trauma of nearly being killed by my mother and also nearly dying of starvation in the early weeks. I have actually believed my therapist was trying to kill me and have re experienced the traumatic feelings in my body too. Fortunately she gets it and she has made herself physically and emotionally available to me so I can experience something that has no words. It has been a long journey that isn't over yet.

I think the curling up and crying is very important and I hope you can trust your therapist enough to do this with her and experience what happens in your body/ how it feels in relation to her. Remember - the memories are held in your body, not as coherent memories. It is very primitive and is felt in a very primal way. For example, I start to flail and have no control of what my limbs do when I go to those places.

Hope that helps abit.

Moon

[tinyrabbit]

The way I see it, the part of you that had this experience doesn't know how to speak, so you can't express it. Could you try thinking of some other part of you, an older part, speaking on behalf of that younger, pre-verbal part of you?

Just an idea. I'm so sorry that anyone has to be in this position.

[Perna]

I had that problem EllieBear and found that the best way for me was to realize that that child I was made it into who I am now and now, I'm fine. That child survived and is okay now; it's like when you have an emergency and go into high gear and do everything right and then fall apart afterwards, when it's safe to (my T was helpful with that physical/emotional/mental information after I had a car accident on my way home from T and then started having trouble passing the site with my car later). Think of that little part of you as safe in you, her mother's arms? It was a horrible disaster but it's over and all you love is safe now.

[rainbow8]

I know there must have been preverbal trauma in my life, probably as a newborn preemie.

My T would probably do EMDR or SE (somatic experiencing) with you. You don't need words for that; you say how it feels in your body. Then you can learn to experience it in a better, nontraumatic, corrective way, by doing some kind of comforting action, maybe hugging yourself, or patting your arms slowly. Maybe ask your T if she thinks somatic experiencing would help you, but you'd have to find another T who does it.

My T is doing work about being safe and loved in my mother's womb. Even if you weren't, you can visualize it, she told me. It's a way of working with your body, where you feel the preverbal stuff.

Or maybe you can color your preverbal feelings?

[EllieBear]

Thanks everyone for the ideas. I have a hard time with not being able to explain things...I want all of my feelings to make sense so I can justify having them, so I was really struck by the idea that I don't have to be able to explain why I feel like I do. I've got to remember that with this I may not ever be able to do that, and I guess that's okay. I don't know...that is so foreign to me. I won't let myself feel anything unless I have a specific reason to feel it. This all gives me a lot to think about. Thanks!

[Asiablue]

I've hardly told my new therapist anything about my upbringing but she has spoke about me having pre-verbal trauma and i have to admit i don't really understand much about it, i think it's maybe to do with the bonding process with my mother or something. I don't know why or what she's picked up on that tells her this about me. I probably should ask her....

It will play itself out with the therapist. It's one of those times when just allowing yourself to speak freely. Eventually a random sentence comes out it then the light bulb moment. We have to make the preverbal verbal or it continues to run in the background effecting us in other ways ie phobias, illnesses etc

[Unbridled1]

Hi Ellie, I'm in the same boat. I'm new to this forum. Just joined today after stumbling on this topic! I've been addressing pre-verbal body and emotional memories with my T. I like to cut and paste. I flip through magazines and if the words or pics get my attention I do a page for That moment in time. I'm finding that I don't like using eyes in my collages very much. I experience a lot of sadness and strong emotions in therapy, and when they come up, we do EMDR sometimes. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to process these preverbal feelings, I say do what feels comfortable for you in the moment! Another opportunity will present itself for you to make a different choice... emotions change and evolve, I have learned to trust the process and just let it be what it is! Best of wishes on your journey!
Just breathing and trusting

[Argonautomobile]

Have you tried drawing or painting? It doesn't have to be some realistic scene or memory still, it can be symbolic or abstract. Maybe just start mixing colors on a canvas as you bring up those feelings and pieces of experience. I bet a 'mood' will start to emerge, even if a picture doesn't. Maybe a particular shape or form will seem to 'speak' to you, even if you don't know what it says. I don't know that this will help you verbalize the unlanguageable, but any form of expression is a start, right?

[rainbow8]

I just realized this thread is almost 3 years old! Still a relevant topic, of course!