[MissCharlotte]

It has been a really challenging couple of days. Yesterday I had my second eye surgery and although it was successful, my cornea was scratched and I was in pain all night last night. My arm is completely bruised from the blood pressure cuff and I look as though I went a few rounds in the ring.

On top of that T is going away and I won't see him till July 10th. That feels like a million years away. Most of my session this week was spent exploring our relationship and how I felt about his going away. I told him I had an understanding that our relationship was the work of therapy.

I told T about my fantasy of his name disappearing from the door and he was not surprised and said it goes along with my lack of object constancy. He asked how I felt when I saw his name and I told him I was relieved. This felt so risky, and I was so embarrassed that I told him I felt like putting the couch pillow in front of my face, because I missed my glasses. He laughed.

As the session ended he asked if I would like him to call me Thursday before he left for vacation and I said yes. He said it was not unusual for people to need to check in during the week.

About 15 minutes, after I left his office Monday, I panicked and called because I had forgotten to discussing my second surgery with him (which was on Wednesday). I asked if we could speak for a minute or so either Monday or Tuesday before the surgery.

On Monday night I had a panic attack and it felt like someone was literally reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart. Two of my sons were with me and I hated that this happened in front of them. Somewhere inside of me there is a very frightened little girl.

T called me on Tuesday from his cell (phone not jail) . He asked if there was anything in particular about his going away that bothered me and I confessed that I was afraid he wouldn't come back. I said, "You are coming back, aren't you?" He said, "Yes, I am coming back because I have my whole summer schedule set and so we can continue our work together." (Sigh of relief.) We talked about the surgery and he helped me to realize I was well prepared for it. He asked me to let him know after the surgery that I was ok.

On Wednesday, I called after the surgery and left a message that all went well and that I was going to sleep for the afternoon, feeling beat from the experience. By Wednesday around 5:30, I was completely freaked out again and left another ramblng message that
I had a lot to do Thursday morning and maybe we should speak on Wednesday night instead. I was afraid I would miss his call Thursday (today) when I went for my follow up eye doctor appt.

He called me again last night, assured me he was still there and asked how I was feeling. It was a short phone call and he asked about my Thursday morning schedule and asked me to call him at a specific time this morning.

I called this morning and he said he was glad I called. I said, "me too." (LOL, understatement of the year.) The phone call was short. I asked again, when he would be back and he said he would call me as soon as he was back in town next Friday. I said, "The challenge for me now, is to hold onto you without pushing you away." He said, "Oh yeah, how's that going?" and I said "Well okay, but it's only been one day." We both laughed at that point.

My goodness, I think I used up all my get out of jail phone calls in two days.

Seriously, though, the challenge to feel and not push away is real. The pain is real.

Thankfully, I have tons to do over the next week. Beginning my final practicum in literacy, tons of reading to do.

Thanks for listening to this most neurotic and rather long post.....

[Lothlorien]

Hi sister. I don't think I've met you yet. *waves* I'm new here. I feel similar panic (?) when my T is away or I need more contact than once per week. It was very nice for yours to give you contact during his vacation. He sounds really caring.

I was having a really hard time with my depression this past month and at the worst point my T called me every night in addition to our 3 appointments that week (a record for me, lol). I just loved her for that. *hugs T*

Anyway it sounds like you are making it through and I hope your eye heals quickly.

Take care,

Lothlorien

[LittleMouse]

Sister I just wante to let you know that you are not alone in getting anxious when T is on vacation. I get like that too but I don't have the nerve to call him even though he has told me it is OK to call. I have only called him twice in the last three years beteween sessions. Sometimes I want to so badly when I am having a painc attack or feeling depressed. I just want to reach out but I'm scared to do it. I wish you lots of luck and a calm week while your T is gone on vacation.

[SecretGarden]

Oh Sister.... You are doing alright. You are doing the work and you are connecting. You have an interested therapist who cares and is apparently at ease with you and vested.

You get doing the work you need to do for your (school) work and hopefully that will help the time slip by. I know that that can seem like a long time, particularly while you are working so hard to connect.

I am sorry that your surgery was similar to a football game and hope that your bruises and scratch (ouch) will heal in short order. The last one went too perfect perhaps.

Used all of your get out of jail cell calls... lol....you are a hoot and I know perhaps a bit anxious but you will make it. We will be here to help as we can.

[WinterRose]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said: I said, "The challenge for me now, is to hold onto you without pushing you away."

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Ooo. That is so complicated isn't it? I do the same constantly. It's nice that your T keeps in touch so you know you haven't pushed him away. My pdoc keeps saying I can't push him away and he'll always be there, but I keep doubting it - so hard. My fantasy is that I'll come to his office and he just won't see me. (Makes his going away especially painful now.)

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SecretGarden said: you are a hoot

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You are indeed a joy. I love your sense of humor even in the midst of struggles.

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LittleMouse said: I don't have the nerve to call him even though he has told me it is OK to call

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I so get that Little Mouse. My pdoc says it's ok, but I can't make myself call. I mean, what if he's not there or doesn't answer or what if my call was too trivial. Hard, huh?

[sunrise]

Sister, I'm so sorry you are bruised and battered from your surgery. And all the T angst on top of that! ((((hugs))))

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sister said:
Most of my session this week was spent exploring our relationship and how I felt about his going away. I told him I had an understanding that our relationship was the work of therapy.

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I'm so curious--how did he respond when you said this?

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sister said: I told T about my fantasy of his name disappearing from the door and he was not surprised and said it goes along with my lack of object constancy.

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I had object constancy on my brain today because when I took my daughter to her therapy appointment this afternoon, she confided to me beforehand that between her sessions, she cannot remember what her therapist looks like. She knows she has brown hair, etc., but she cannot picture her face in her mind between times. Then when she sees her again, it's like "oh, yeah, now I remember!" Would you say that is a lack of object constancy? I found it fascinating my daughter would confide that to me. Interesting!

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sister said: T called me on Tuesday from his cell (phone not jail)

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Sister, your T was so responsive and caring--returning all your calls and giving such warm reassurances. You have a great T! May the days before he returns pass swiftly.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Lothlorian!



Thanks for your response. Actually, he hadn't started his vacation yet, when we spoke; probably because I wouldn't let him! But he is gone now...

Yes, he is very caring.

[MissCharlotte]

LittleMouse,
Thank you. It helps to not feel alone.

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I have only called him twice in the last three years beteween sessions

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While I was seeing my last T, I never called her once outside of session. I saw her for 3 years.

Now i call T if I need to -- some weeks it's more than others. Some weeks I don't call at all.

I hope you will call when you feel you need to "so badly." You're worth it and so is the relationship.

(((Hugs)))

[MissCharlotte]

((Secret))

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you are connecting

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I am trying, but dammit he just has to go on vacation?

(And he goes again in August, sheesh)

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We will be here to help as we can

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Thank you because trust me, I will be crying the blues.

Thanks girlfriend!!!

[MissCharlotte]

((WinterRose))

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I have been seeing T for about 9 months now. This intense phone call thing is relatively new. I am trying to stay connected, but it's really hard. I called at the beginning of therapy but that was only for support with a family crisis, not for "relationship" stuff.

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It's nice that your T keeps in touch so you know you haven't pushed him away.

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I am fighting this as I write. Today, I found myself sort of putting him away on a shelf in my mind and knew I had to fight to keep him front and center and not disconnect just because he's away. Yes, it's a major challenge for me.

[Lothlorien]

Hang in there baby!

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunrise))
Thanks for your good wishes.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
she cannot remember what her therapist looks like

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I have the same problem with T!! I was thinking of asking him if I could take his picture with my cell phone (just kidding). I remember having the same problem for many,many months after my mother died, so I'm not sure if it's an object constancy or an anxiety issue.

Now, for the hard question:

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I'm so curious--how did he respond when you said this?

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Well, this is when the conversation became really, really, intense and I nearly floated out the door (forgot that rock Secret told me to tie onto my toe). We talked about my fears of rejection, ridicule, if I told him I depended on him, needed him or would miss him when he went on vacation. It all started because I told him I didn't want to come that day because it was too hard having to connect/disconnect, etc. THEN he talked about his professional boundaries and assured me I was safe to explore my longings/desires. He asked why I don't just let myself be cared for/cared about.

OMG, doesn't he know I went to Catholic school?



P.S. In all seroiusness, this is becoming a most beautiful relationship.

Sister, I am wearing my T-shirt that says "I Know how you feel" LOL!! But I do and 9months together isn't a long time in the big scheme of things and it is hard at this stage.

I've been with T almost 3yrs, and this summer will be the 3rd lonnggg break and though I am not looking forward to it, I do notice a calmer feeling toward it.

The first summer break I called her every name under the sun. I'd been with her 10months at taht stage. I was spacing out in the final session and it was the most horrendous experience.

So compared to that, your doing good LOL!

I like what your T saud about allowing yourself to be cared for. That really was comforting.

Glad your eye surgery is over, sorry it was uncomfortable!

[sunrise]

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sister said:
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I'm so curious--how did he respond when you said this?

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THEN he talked about his professional boundaries and assured me I was safe to explore my longings/desires. He asked why I don't just let myself be cared for/cared about.

OMG, doesn't he know I went to Catholic school?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Whoa, that explore my longings/desires comment is like terrifying and exciting at the same time. Such a good question about caring, such a caring question.

Loved the Catholic school comment. I hear ya, sistah! I was raised Catholic too.

[MissCharlotte]

Sunrise,

Oh you definitely get me on this one.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Whoa, that explore my longings/desires comment is like terrifying and exciting at the same time.

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Yes, yes, yes.

Of course, by the time he gets back from vacation I'll be so pissed off at him it will take eons to get back to the good stuff....