The Couch - 109: CIX-Reintroduction

In general it would fall under tort law.

Couch!! You are quiet tonight!!

No wombats or kangaroos! No lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!!

I keep hearing someone call my name!! I think it's my husband in another room. I go and ask him and he says it wasn't him. It sounds just like him and it sounds so real!! Kind of freaky!

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That's happened to me before, Trail only it was my son - I'd swear I heard him call my name and he hadn't

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It's really funny feeling. It happened last night and tonight. I was just thinking about it and it was the same time last night that it happened tonight.

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It would be lovely if I could find a happy medium of energy other than my two current settings: "Dead inside" and "hypomania"......

I would prefer to be feeling something OTHER than "dead inside." This actually is my topic to talk about in therapy tomorrow. I always have this vague sense that I am a robot. I have told my T repeatedly that I am 75% robot, but this week has been odd. I am on the internet for about 10-15 minutes after I get home from work, and am bored. I shut the computer, stare at a wall, and feel empty. Numb. Sometimes I will try and sleep, but that never works for me, even if I am exhausted. Mostly, I turn to the bottle of bourbon, because as my T aptly puts it, it changes my mood, whether good or bad.

Ive been rearranging junk in the foyer. Im almost done with the heavy lifting.

Tonight's song that I'm listening to on repeat: U2's "Ultraviolet" with the "Baby, baby, baby, light my way," which I'm dedicating to MC, who helped me through a panic attack in session today (probably the first I've had in front of him) by having us all walk outside in the courtyard, rather than me fleeing from the room like I wanted to do.

I think the eight year old's iPad is finally biting the dust. The screen has been shattered for almost a year but it still worked (I put a screen protector on it). Tonight it started with ghost touching and I think it's done for. I hope it'll magically fix itself overnight. I've tried everything and the Internet tells me it's the digitizer and it'll cost almost as much as a new iPad to fix
That darn iPad is my sanity savior most days...

Just want to share with whoever wants to hear it. LT I understand about songs being on repeat. I do the same thing. Hope you like this one.



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Hi Melody!

I am in complete disarray...

Saturday, 5am and I am wide awake. During the week the alarm with multiple snoozes finally drags me out by 5:20 but when I can sleep in I pop awake at 5am no alarm at all. What gives? Curses. Well I guess I'll go observe the sunrise...

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((((BunYip)))

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Hey couchies! Up at 6:30 this AM in Michigan but it is 7:30 now. Still striving toward my goal of med-free by august some time. I get a physical in about a month with new PCP gonna do everything I can to not have to be on meds there to...d*** cholesterol! Everything else should be good there...normally is except cholesterol and my weight. We'll see. Things are good though. I see T monday. That's always good. Looking forward to my brother and his family coming to visit in about a week. Love my little nephews.

Thanks for sharing! I'm not familiar with this band, but it's a pretty good song.

Somehow I've torn my favorite pair of jeans along one of the back pocket seams. Now if I'm not wearing a long enough shirt someone who looked closely could tell the color of my underyouknowwhats.

Eta - just wondering - watching Gunsmoke as i breakfast - how many bullets did matt dillon take as sheriff? He got shot at least three times in just todays episode. You could probably use him to drain your pasta!

I just accidentally terrorized the puppy by putting together some metal shelves.

Stop looking at my butt!

hey couch!! had a rather enlightening t session this morning. well the enlightenment came after I left of course as often happens... so I've already emailed her the realization that hit on the way home.... we were talking about my h and how in the past 6 months I've spent more than a little time thinking about not being with him anymore, and I said something like "It would be easier if I didn't love him." But on the way home what I realized is that the whole 'problem' in my marriage right now isn't how I feel about HIM. It's that in learning to love MYSELF, I'm becoming a whole person unto myself, and I am struggling with holding onto my whole self w/in my relationship with h. I've grown SO much through my work in therapy, and he hasn't, and it's difficult, I feel like I have to give up my wholeness in relation to him, kind of go back and forth at work and wherever else that's not my relationship with h, I am my whole self that I have learned to become, but with h, it's like I have to set that aside and pretend to be the less-than-whole that I was for the bulk of our marriage to try to "get along". I don't even begin to know how to hold onto ME in relation to my h. So that's what we're going to talk about next time. And then I'm taking a break for April, because I realize something else - and this is why I feel the need to take a break - it's because what I have always done with people in my life, is make them a part of myself, to try to make myself whole, instead of doing the work to become whole within myself. That's what I've done with h. And that entails taking care of him, feeling responsible for his happiness and feelings, etc etc. AND I further realize I have also done this in a way with t too - different than with h, but still the same idea nonetheless. So I feel the need to take a break, because I need to spend some time finding myself apart from her. If that makes any sense. I did such good work today it gave me a headache!!

oh and also guess what? I fixed my h's car!!! I'm so proud of myself. I had to drive it yesterday to work cuz he needed my car for a long distance job. When I tried to turn on the headlights cuz it was stil a little dark, they did this demonic flash-flash-flash thing and clicking. I was like huh?! So I did some research and found suggestions to replace a fuse. So I went this morning and got a tester and some fuses and found the fuse panel, figured out which one was the one for the headlights, pulled it and tested it and sure enough - bad! Replaced it, and the headlights work again! Woo!

the blow up continues . i think i said something about blowing up my life on wednsday by having a major melt down at the craft store . a crazy lady who once was a friend just treated me like crap for the last time and i went off on her and all who thought she was funny . everyone was all like sorry and so on and then found out the person was right back at the store the next day hanging with the owner who i thought was a friend but now know differently. how can life and this world be so messed up how can i always get it so so wrong all the time . im useless and i should know these people were not my friends . people like me dont have friends . god i just want to die . i know ill beat the crap out of myself tonight but that wont even matter any more .

Hooray! Good for you!

((Granite ))

It would be nice if our friends would hate our enemies, but it often doesn't work out that way.

Can you let go of this expectation?

Incidentally, a shopkeeper has to pretend to be friends with everyone.

Sorry.