[SarahSweden]

Something that really bothers me is that I feel my T isn´t "warm" enough. It´s hard to tell if it´s me as a client who has unrealistic wishes about her or if she really is too "cold" for me.

My former T was more warm-hearted or I felt she was. With my new T I feel there´s something "in the way" and even if she is pretty engaged and interested in what I tell her, I feel something is missing.

Perhaps it´s her modality but she isn´t a kind of blank slate T either, she shares about herself and such.

But overall I don´t feel she cares that much and sometimes it´s like she has heard about everything before and what I say isn´t something new to her. Although I´m a totally different person than her other clients of course.

I know this is something to talk about in therapy but when it comes to a T being warm, interested and so on I would never find it genuine if this T suddenly acted more warm after I told her how I feel.

If she did things to please me or to just adjust because I told her, it wouldn´t matter as I would just apprehend that as being false.

What to do?

[Argonautomobile]

Sorry things still aren't going well. I guess staying or leaving depends on what your options are, and if this therapy is still better than no therapy. For me, right now, it probably would be. Other times, when I was feeling stronger, it wouldn't.

Hope you find a solution that works for you.

You liked your old T, but your old T really left you in a bad place and rather harmed you quite a bit. I know you long for that same feeling that you had with your old T, but I wonder if, because that therapy situation turned out so badly for you, that may not really be what will help you in the end. Are you longing to recreate something that felt good at the time, but ended up hurting you?

I don't know that you'll ever find that same relationship again, and I wonder if that is what you are looking for. Each new relationship has its own dynamics, and we sort of have to learn each new person and each new relationship and take it as it is. If we can't accept it, even though the new relationship isn't necessarily bad, it just isn't what we want, then we have to make that tough decision to move on if we can't adjust our hopes of something different.

I wonder if you are a bit at that crossroads: This new therapist doesn't seem to be particularly bad or anything; she's just not what you are longing for. You can either find a way to adjust your expectations somewhat, or you can decide to move on. I don't think either is particularly wrong or better than the other. They are just two different choices to make.

It's a tough spot for you I am sure since you don't seem to feel you have any other options other than this therapist. I hope you can find some peace in whatever decision you make. Maybe this is the time to reassess your need for therapy. Sometimes we just need a break.

[atisketatasket]

Personally, I like emotionally distant therapists, but most people don't.

I think 10-12 sessions in or wherever you are, what you see is what you'll get. You just have to decide whether to live with it or not and if she is helpful as she is.

[emlou019]

Hi Sarah

I think as you said in your previous message, that you are seeing a Psychodynamic counsellor. With this type of counselling approach that she is using, there will be no warmth from her as this is part of the theraputic process of the approach unfortunately.

You need to look for, if you can, for an integrative counsellor , who merges all three approaches within the theraputic process. So they will have the warmth that you are looking for.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Interesting viewpoints.

I´ve thought about this quite a lot and for me change is made when I feel warmth from another person, and now more specifically a T. I don´t expect a T to be a friend or someone I can call or text but it´s necessary for me to feel that I bring something from therapy. That I can feel a little more hope and such things.

I experienced a lot more of encouragement and hope when seeing my pdoc some days ago (she´s not a T, only works within medicine) even if that was an ordinary meeting where we talked about meds. She wished me good luck and shows warmth. No crossing boundaries or something, just being nice and friendly.

I´ve now decided to bring this matter up to my T next time, saying that I´m thinking of quitting therapy. I´ve had it with her and her cold attitude.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You liked your old T, but your old T really left you in a bad place and rather harmed you quite a bit. I know you long for that same feeling that you had with your old T, but I wonder if, because that therapy situation turned out so badly for you, that may not really be what will help you in the end. Are you longing to recreate something that felt good at the time, but ended up hurting you?

I don't know that you'll ever find that same relationship again, and I wonder if that is what you are looking for. Each new relationship has its own dynamics, and we sort of have to learn each new person and each new relationship and take it as it is. If we can't accept it, even though the new relationship isn't necessarily bad, it just isn't what we want, then we have to make that tough decision to move on if we can't adjust our hopes of something different.

I wonder if you are a bit at that crossroads: This new therapist doesn't seem to be particularly bad or anything; she's just not what you are longing for. You can either find a way to adjust your expectations somewhat, or you can decide to move on. I don't think either is particularly wrong or better than the other. They are just two different choices to make.

It's a tough spot for you I am sure since you don't seem to feel you have any other options other than this therapist. I hope you can find some peace in whatever decision you make. Maybe this is the time to reassess your need for therapy. Sometimes we just need a break.

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I´ve now decided to bring this matter up to my T next time, saying that I´m thinking of quitting therapy. I´ve had it with her and her cold attitude.

Have you considered how to bring this up in a way that might actually be productive and work towards a solution rather than "I've had it with you and your cold attitude"? Might be a bit put-offish and set up an immediate barrier to useful communication.

I wonder if something like, "I am not feeling a comfortable connection to you and that's making it hard to really open up and get to the depth of things I need to talk about" (or something along that lines) would be more useful. Speaking in "I" statements might help focus on how you are feeling as opposed to what she is/isn't doing. Maybe add, "One thing that would help me feel more comfortable is a simple routine for greeting and departing so that the end of sessions don't feel so abrupt and cold." I don't know. Problem solve with the therapist instead of just accuse and stomp off (I'm jesting a bit with you there.)

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I know this is something to talk about in therapy but when it comes to a T being warm, interested and so on I would never find it genuine if this T suddenly acted more warm after I told her how I feel.

Another way to look at this might be to consider that she wants to make you comfortable, and that she cares enough to listen and implement the type of changes that would help therapy feel more comfortable for you.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Another way to look at this might be to consider that she wants to make you comfortable, and that she cares enough to listen and implement the type of changes that would help therapy feel more comfortable for you.

Ah, I think that might be a good way to think about it. One of the things I like about therapy is how hard my therapist works to figure out what will work to help me. I feel like everyone is so different, and one of the ways that a therapist might be a really good therapist could lie in his or her ability to relate to each client in the way that works for them. But it's hard in the beginning when they don't know you yet - I always feel like the more they know the better they can help you.

But I'm sorry it hasn't felt like a more natural fit from the beginning.

Originally Posted by pbutton

Another way to look at this might be to consider that she wants to make you comfortable, and that she cares enough to listen and implement the type of changes that would help therapy feel more comfortable for you.

I agree. Relationships are work. It really doesn't matter what the relationship is; good relationships require communication, give and take, problem-solving, compromise, acceptance, etc. The therapist taking the time to listen and figure out ways to do things differently so that the relationship works better for both of you is not about "acting" genuine; it is about actually being genuine because decisions and actions are being based on honesty and communication rather than on mysterious signals and "tests" on either part.

[SarahSweden]

I agree to your viewpoints but the thing is that I have, even in a more non-direct way, told her what I value in therapy and not. I have brought several exemples of how I felt my old T helped me, that I felt her warmth and that I appreciated that she once called when I didn´t show up for our meeting.

I have also mentioned quite a lot of things that have disappointed me within friendships, where I feel I put more into a relation than the other person.

I have even said things like I value shaking hands as a goodbye and that I like being polite and apprehensive to other peoples feelings.

But nothing happens! It seems like she just sticks to her only way of doing therapy and all I say just goes past her.

She never brings feelings into therapy, I now mean asking like "how did that made you feel" and similar. She doesn´t seem to care about me at all.

She has very many clients and I don´t feel I matter to her.

Even if I tell her about those things I´d never believe it as honest gestures if she for example began to follow me to the door to say goodbye.

You have the option to stop therapy if this isn't working for you. I hope it works out for you either way.