Sociopathic niece coming to stay... Possible trigger

My T is away for a couple of weeks and usually I handle a sessionless week... Okay. There are other psychotherapists at the office I can speak to if things get too much when she's away, but like she said, 'It would be a remarkable change in character' if I were to phone.

For the purpose of this, my niece will be called Alice.

So next weekend is Easter weekend and my niece is coming to stay with me. She's autistic, has ADD and was recently diagnosed as a sociopath. Alice is only 14 and she has a struggle of her own which I completely empathise with, but will never understand (because I don't have the same afflictions as her, I have my own). I love her, I would die for her, but she is a massive trigger for me.

I have complex PTSD after years of child abuse. I left home as a teenager and reconnected with the paternal side of my family which Alice is connected to. She recently learnt my step dad was one of four abusers in my life, and because she has a step dad herself, she is now telling me horrific stories about her relationship with him which trigger my flashbacks. I know that she has a tendency to lie and exaggerate, and my family has warned me not to indulge her, but she's my niece and if there is even the smallest chance that something remotely similar is happening to her, I'd never forgive myself for not indulging her.
Alice has recently learnt of my anorexia and BDD diagnosis, she constantly talks about food, starving herself, how big or small I look, etc. She's a BIG trigger in almost all aspects of my mental health and I'm not sure how to get through the next couple of weeks without a session.

I would call the office, but I wouldn't get to speak to my T and I don't want to divulge any information to a stranger. I can't avoid my niece, and I don't know how to deal with her. I feel like this is a catch 22. I don't know whether or not to call the office and speak to a different T, will it get passed on to my T? Probably. I'm so lost.

(((hugs))) I feel for you, tc

That does sound like a really tough place to be for you. I hope you can find someone that you can talk to if that is what you feel that you want while your T is away.

Why is she coming to stay with you? Can you uninvite her? It might be best to not put yourself in this situation if possible.

She's having problems with her dad, (my brother) and she's desperate to see the family. I have 10 nieces and nephews in total, 6 are her cousins. I guess I don't want her to feel isolated given she has problems of her own.

As do you. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first if to not do so when end up causing us harm. Perhaps she can go to a different relative to visit, someone who is in a better place to deal with her issues.

Aren't you giving a 14 year old child a lot of power over your emotional state? She hasn't even arrived yet.

Second disinviting her, and wondering why a 14-year-old kid knows so much about an adult's issues.

I don't want to speak ill of my niece, but a lot of the time her behaviour far surpasses that of a 'normal' 14 year old. She's manipulative and she's well versed in pressing emotional buttons. She's one of those people, to fully understand the scope of the situation, you'd have to meet her.

My family talk about me regardless of who is there. I've asked them not to, but they don't take me, my therapy or my trouble seriously. They'll discuss me nonchalantly like my PTSD is chicken pox. They have no boundaries. My T has asked to talk to my family, but they don't believe it'll make a difference... to them. But that's a whole different story.

If she is like that, then however young she is or whatever diagnosis she has, she has isolated herself. It is not your job to make that up to your niece.

I'm sorry she's having a hard time, but since hosting her will mean a hard time for you, and already has you thinking of doing uncharacteristic things...well, discretion is the better part of valor.

But you can set boundaries for yourself, including not subjecting yourself to distress at the hands of this teenager. You say, "I'm not in the position to have her visit right now. Perhaps she can spend some time with ______" and let that be the end of it. They can and will talk all they want, but unless you allow her to come, she won't be coming. You seem to be giving this girl and the rest of the family all the power to make this decision for you.

Lately I've come to realise that I'm a door mat. My family manipulates me and I find it very hard to say no. It's like I have an obligation or responsibility to them that isn't reciprocated. I know I let it happen, after I left home I had the freedom I'd craved my whole life, but had no idea what to do with it so I've let my family take control of my life because I'm lost without the control.

I also don't want to see my niece hurting because my family doesn't care enough to have her stay the weekend. Im letting it get to me more because i dont have a session for two weeks, but you literally hit the nail on the head with me.

I know saying "no" can be the hardest thing for some of us to do, particularly with family that has figured that out and takes advantage of it. One thing I learned is that the only person I really have the power to change is myself. If I sit around and wait for others to change the way I wish they would, I'll be waiting a LONG time.

I know you care about your niece, but you can't help her if being around her triggers you the whole time. I could be wrong, but I can't help but think your family is pawning her off on you so they don't have to deal with her for awhile. It's a bad situation, but they are going to have to handle their own child. You seem to be a bit of "rescuer" where she is concerned, but the rescuer can't save anyone if the person they are trying to rescue is pulling them under.

I feel like a support system for everyone else, preoccupying myself with the needs of others so I don't have to face my own problems. She is very difficult, but I can't stand to see a child hurting. But I know I need to have the same compassion for myself as I have for others and that's where I fail. Thank you, sometimes I need to be told what I think or already know because I feel so guilty or selfish. I'm going to attempt to talk to my dad tomorrow, see if he and my step mum can take her.

From what you've described, there's no doubt your niece needs support. No amount of love you have for her is going to provide it if she is coming from a home situation where she's alienated and dismissed. Who knows how much of those dynamics are contributing to her acting out, and not her disability. (I'm just going to ignore the sociopath dx. How can that even be diagnosed at that age--I mean...teenager.)

Anyway, I just say all of that because you care about her for a reason. She's a kid who's gotten a raw deal, and you have empathy.

The thing is, there is absolutely no way to help her by colluding with the family dynamics. One way to put a halt to it is to contact authorities regarding her claims of abuse. And let her know in no uncertain terms that an eating disorder requires professional help and you won't be part of watching her enter into that without speaking up or doing something about it.

In other words, you redefine what love looks like and be the adult that she needs. That can't happen by sacrificing your well being for the sake of family dysfunction.

She could get mad. The family will get mad. But is that any worse than a lifetime of this, which is where this is headed?

eta: oh...and do not have her over to stay with you for Easter.

Yeah, I wondered about such a firm diagnosis at such a young age too. Apparently at that age the diagnosis means "sociopathic tendencies."

Either way, OP, maybe now would be a good time to practice saying "no"? It can be quite liberating once you get started.

Exactly. I think that's why this post has stirred me, having recently experienced the relief that comes from not putting up with family BS. Finally, after 30 years, the sister in law I have been afraid of being mad at me is mad at me, which means I get the silent treatment for untold years. It's fabulous not to hear from her every day. If only I had known...

She was diagnosed as a sociopath when she was 13. I don't know the ins and outs because I'm never involved in the family discussion. She's in CBT herself, and she's told me she lies to her T constantly, it's hard to trust her and believe her but I don't ever want to not believe her and find out later she was in a similar situation as I was. But you're right, and I hadn't thought about how I could redefine my love her by setting out boundaries.

As for the eating disorder she was made aware of mine and ever since then has not let me forget it. Not that I could. She enjoys her food, and eats well. She doesn't have an eating disorder, but instead took to the Internet to read about anorexia and BDD. She reeled off the list of symptoms from Google in listed order. Thank you both for giving me another perspective.

If I had no nieces and nephews, I'd definitely be trying to put some distance between me and the rest of my family. But I draw strength from everyone that leaves a comment, I see the direction I need to go in, and I'm thankful for being pointed in it.

Your family is not going to like it when you set your boundaries. Be prepared for that. That is pretty typical. They will try to push back usually. But it sounds like they aren't particularly great to start with; remember that, too. The difference with setting boundaries is once they've tried to push back a few times and you don't budge, they'll eventually give up or adjust in some way -- often with more distance, but that isn't always a bad thing.

As far as your niece goes, find other ways to interact with her. Make those encounters of short duration, preferably with others present, maybe in public places where she might keep her behavior in check a bit. Overnighters, long stays, one-on-ones where she will feel more power to say whatever she wants are situations to avoid. Keep boundaries on what she is allowed to talk to you about; you can tell her that you won't discuss your mental health with her. You are the adult in this relationship and it sounds like she needs some adult parameters.

Developing healthy boundaries for ourselves is initially really hard and can meet with resistance, but over time, it really will pay off for you in greater confidence, less anxiety, more of a sense of autonomous self. Keep us updated.

Though it has occasionally hurt my feelings to be on the receiving end of it, I have learned a lot from watching other people enforce their boundaries. It has been quite inspiring actually.

You can be a role model and very positive force in your niece's life by giving her the experience of what it looks like when someone lovingly and firmly insists on being respected. By saying "Alice, honey, talk about eating disorders is off limits with me until I tell you otherwise" you are teaching Alice that she is allowed to protect herself and declare some areas of herself off limits to others. When she pushes you, you can redirect once or twice ("Alice where did you get that cool T shirt?" Or "Alice how was the car ride getting here?"). Then leave if she persists ("ok that's it for today, I'm going to have to run now.") This teaches Alice that being disrespectful has consequences which, frankly, it sounds like she needs to learn yesterday. Also you will enjoy her more (and she will like being enjoyed) if you are not terrified of her.

This is not mean. You are being respectful to everyone involved, you are protecting you (which it sounds like no one else does) and you are being a wonderful aunt. You are not doing Alice any favours whatsoever by letting her walk all over you, trigger you or terrorize you. It is not a kindness to Alice to allow her to behave in an obnoxious or abusive way.

YES. Absolutely, positively.

You said yourself that she's admitted she lies constantly, is well-versed in manipulation and pushing emotional buttons (and apparently looks up information to find more to push -- don't kid yourself why she studies these things.) And that it's hard to trust her.

There's a good reason for that. Because she CANNOT be trusted! You want to believe. This is a sociopathic goldmine. That you fear not believing her? She knows this already. It is The Game. And she's sitting in the driver's seat. Perhaps you think that being the "good guy" will keep you from being used to meet her ends. You will not be exempted. No one is.

Sorry. Truly, I don't mean to be harsh, but I do need to be direct. I'm prone to being a doormat too and relate very much to things you say. I've seen firsthand how our empathy, doubt and fear endanger us. And they are VERY good actors. We want so badly to believe, to be the good guy. To us, it is a strength, a goodness. To sociopathic thinking, it is a weakness to be exploited.

Good advice on boundaries. They are absolutely critical. And please, if nothing else, heed lolagrace's advice. Do NOT put yourself in he said/she said situations. No overnights, no long stays, avoid one on one. All it would take is one contrived incident to turn your world upside down. Remember. You are not exempt and they are very good actors (and from my experience lean heavily on the pity/victim card as it is highly sucessful).

I've never posted in this part of the forums. Your situation speaks to me THAT strongly. Please protect yourself. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Wishing much strength for you.

You're right, you've laid out my relationship with my niece perfectly. It's me that gets hurt, and it's only me who can change the boundaries of our relationship. I had to tell her last night (the first step) that texting me every day basically slagging off her mother is not acceptable. We've had this conversation before, but last night I said if it continues ill block her number until she stops, that I'll be there for her, but that's a step too far in the wrong direction. I think I'm in the dog house with Alice, but it's quiet here.

My t told me that it is perfectly fine to limit interactions with toxic people regardless if they are family or not. No need to estrange yourself or abandon them but keep it to a minimum is perfectly fine. No shame in that.

Honestly I don't have anyone who is that difficult but I would have a huge trouble with family members staying with me for prolonged period of time. I can only tolerate my adult daughter staying with me for a vacation ( again not living full time but visiting). I love my nephews and my niece and they are easy to get along with. But if they come stay with me for weeks at the time I'd have trouble with it. It doesn't fit my life style. Now of course if they are homeless etc it's different

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