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Quote: Always do what you are afraid to do.
Author: Ralph Waldo Emerson 1803-1882, American Poet, Essayist

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Thanks, Echoes.

In spirit of the quote that Echoes posted, and all the things that we do to support this notion, I am feeling as though I want to try the dreaded psychoanalytic couch today. I wanna do it PinkSoil-Style-- no discussion, impulsive, an element of shock. Just get right on it. Besides... if T and I are gonna discuss those poems, there is no way I'm gonna want to look at him. Not this time.

There was a poet called Julio Cortazar. He wrote a series of poems entitled "Instructions..." They were all instructions on how to do various things (climb a staircase, wind a watch, etc.). In my writing workshop, we had to create our own "instructions" poem. This is mine. It is also one I passed to T:

Instructions on how not to cry in front of your analyst

Begin with a comment such as: these neuroleptics are killing me. Don’t go into a great amount of detail, as symptoms can be a dangerous topic. Assess beforehand, how much the sickness has gotten to you. Are you particularly uncoordinated? Have you hit the floor before noon? If so, don’t mention a thing. And don’t make the mistake of talking about your mother. Speak of death as if it’s an inconvenience. If you have taken a sharp object to yourself in the past week, make certain that you do not disclose this information any sooner than five minutes before you walk out the door. Pretend your dreams have no relevance. There are occasions in which you may inadvertently slip into a discussion of your recklessness. It as at this point that you must remember, there are no coincidences. If this does occur, do not become hysterical. Simply detach yourself through systematic revision. Silently congratulate yourself for allowing object relations to %#@&#! you up. You are here because you are disconnected; perhaps even gifted. You have a serious talent for being disengaged. Do not be careless with it. Always consider the notion of space. Most likely, there will be too much of it. If you should begin to deteriorate, disassemble all parts immediately. Realize that it is unfortunate to be caught naked, but not viable to close the distance.

pink, how creative and true and funny!!

go for the couch!

triple dog dare ya



ECHOES

Ahhhh, I have never been known to resist a triple dog dare...

.. so did you? have you gone yet?

i am off to my (last for a while) session..

i want to ask her for a hug.. but i have always wanted that and am afraid i'm exploiting her illness to get what i want

will be anxious hear how it unfolds for you today

Good luck Echoes. I will be thinking of you. My session is as 5 PM. I am anxious to go!!!

[mel4]

hey pinky,
hope everything goes well today, stay strong!
(((((((((((((((((((pinky))))))))))))))))

mel

[Cheri]

You think the topic of the day will be erotic transference?

I'm gonna stick to the subject of what I had for dinner last night!

[Gracey]

My typical weekly "t" appointment. . .

Walk in the door, check out new pics of the baby, kick off sneakers and fall flat butt on the couch.

Screw Freud. After a day at work the LAST thing i want to do is sit upright in some uncomfortable chair.

But then, I lay on the couch at home too.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

Great poem, go for the couch. In fact, here are the instructions:

Walk in door behind T. Push him out of the way and head straight for the couch. Lie down and begin talking about last night's dinner before he has even had a chance to brush himself off and sit down.
(Be certain your head is not facing him when you lie down.)

I want to hit the couch at T's but it hasn't even ever been offered, and I will NOT be the first to bring it up.

Good luck.

[Gracey]

LOL what is the big deal about the couch? I"m not being snotty. . .I'm just wondering why people are SO intimidated by the couch.

My T looks like a linebacker from UGA, wears polo shirts and slacks, and casual shoes. Shaves his head bald. One week I bring the diet cokes, the next he does. It is SO incredibly laid back. . .which I suppose contributes to the success of our therepeutic relationship. Are ya'll's T's like, uptight or something? I don't really care WHAT my T thinks about how I sit, where I sit, or what I look like when I'm sitting. I figure I'm paying booku books to listen and help me, it shouldn't matter where I sit so long as I'm comfortable.

I'm curious guys. . and serious too. . .I'm not poking fun. Why is it such a big deal to ya'll?

[SecretGarden]

Is this an analyst's couch and are you laying flat looking at the ceiling the whole time? Just wondering if everyone has the same idea of what a couch is?

Hey Pink....It is 5:13 here. Hope you are doing well.....

[MissCharlotte]

Gracey,

I can't imagine ever feeling so relaxed in T's office. I mean, I feel relaxed and really safe in his big chair, and his voice soothes me, but it seems to me that the nature of the relationship is such that there is at least a little bit of an edge to it. If I was as relaxed with him as I was with my friends, then who needs him?

Anyway, it's just a thought. I think the couch represents a deepening of the relationship....a willingness to let go a little more and let him in a little deeper.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Secret,

I was wondering if an analyst's couch has a specific form? I never new that.

The couch in my T's office is very flat and has one little toss pillow in the center. It's definitely not a plush, fluffy number.



P.S. Now the chair, well, you know about that....

Oh yeah, Pink, I guess you are reclining as we write this!! Are there cracks on the ceiling?

[sidony]

Wow I bet you just got out of your session! Like 3 minutes ago! How did it go?!?!

That was an awesome poem. It's wild that you let him read your poetry. Tell us how today's session went!!!

Sidony

waiting....

.... drumming fingers.....

.... imagination running wild.....



I hope it was an awesome session, pink!

[Cheri]

Same here... this is like the highlight of my week... pathetic, isn't it? lol

[Gracey]

hhaaaahahahaaa

My t's couch is simple. . .overstuffed with throw pillows. I am pretty sure his wife picked it out. I love it though.

Wonder how Pink is? Wonder if she made it on the couch.

We could form our own group. . .Couch's Anonymous

Um, hi guys. Here I am.

First of all, let me just say you are all adorable and caring and wonderful for being all concerned and excited to hear from me. It means a lot.

And hi Gracey-- this should let you know what the big deal about the couch is for me:

So I walk in and I sit down on the couch. I look at T and say, "I'm not joking about this." I talk to him for a bit while sitting on the couch. (The couch, by the way, is not really a sofa or anything, but a psychoanalytic couch of sorts in which you look up at the ceiling. T is completely behind me so that I can't see him, in order to let the unconscious run freely. And yes, there are at least two cracks in the ceiling.) So as soon as the poems are mentioned, I literally flip on my back and lay down on the couch. We talk a bit, and I occasionally twist around, look at T and say, "Are you still there?" He assures me that he is still there. We begin to talk about a particular poem. Somehow this leads into a discussion of when my self-injury was really bad, around the age of 18 when I was living at home. I had my eyes closed. All of a sudden my unconscious took over. I start to feel weird... a bit agitated... and I was digging my fingernails into my arm. T says, "You need a release right now, don't you?" And I answer him, "Yes." I was 18 again. I began to describe my self-injury ritual at that time in my life. But it was real, like I was there again. T told me, "I'm still here." I stopped digging my nails in, but I was sort of pinching my arm the whole time. After a few minutes, I came out of it, and there was silence for awhile. I sat up and he said, "Why don't you take a break?" So I got up and sat in my usual chair. I was completely shot from what just happened, and I kept looking at the couch. He was trying to help me process what just happened, but I was having a hard time transitioning from what happened on the couch to where we were at that moment. He pointed to his eyes and said, "We're here now, it's okay." He called me brave and courageous. Then he asked what I felt like and I said, "Like I'm 18 again." I told him how I felt like I was 18 and how it was so hard because the thing that I had reexperienced was always a memory that I acknowledged, but wanted to forget about. That I never wanted him or anyone else to see me that way because I was so %#@&amp;#! up then. He told me that it was troubling for him to have to watch me go through that on the couch because he knew how hard and painful it was for me. I was sort of crying and clutching the chair pillow. I never hold the pillow, I always just sit back on it, but this time I was holding it. I wasn't letting the tears come out though. We talked a bit more, and I could see the pain in his eyes; it was an intense connection to see him experience pain with me. We talked abut why that experience was able to occur on the couch, and why something like that could not, and has never, occurred in the chair. He looked me in the eyes and said, "You are not 18 anymore. You are not that girl anymore. A lot has happened since then, a lot has changed. Can you keep that with you?" And I said, "Yes, I think so." The session came to an hour and ten minutes, and then we had to end. He said, "Please call me if you feel you want to." Then he asked, "Are you gonna come back next week?" (He asks this every week). I got up and he stopped me to ask if I was okay. He smiled and said that he hoped I was coming back next week because there are still lots of poems he wants to ask me about.

And that is why the couch is a big deal. It wasn't like, hey... lemme just lay on the couch and relax so we can talk about stuff. T said he was actually surprised at how fast I reached that state, especially considering it was my first time on the couch.

So that's analysis for ya.

When I came home, I was a %#@&amp;#! mess to say the least. The hardest part was when I had to leave the session. To go through that and then have to be ripped away from it all. From T. I honestly don't even know how I'm going to get through the next week. I already feel like I'm just going through the motions. But when I arrived home, I tried to explain a bit of what happened to my husband. I didn't expect him, or anyone who has never been in therapy, to understand. He said, "Do you need a hug?" And he hugged me so tight. Then I said, "I don't expect you to have understand what just happened. Just bear with me." And he said, "Actually I do understand. That's what I always thought your therapy was about." It was nice.

And in the midst of all this %#@&amp;#!, I do have to add my humorous therapy moment of the week, as I always do. In the beginning, he picked this poem I wrote to talk about, called "The Garden." It is a poem about something that occurred in my more... let's say.. promiscuous days. And one of the lines is very raw, very frank, something to the effect of, "You unzipped your pants... I %#@&amp;#! you in the garden." So T asks me to to talk about thie poem, but I wasn't really warmed up yet, so I say to him, while sort of dying the whole time..... It's about this guy I met when I was about 19. He took me to an arboretum, and some stuff happened.... And T starts laughing and goes, "Well I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you did with him; it says it right here!" I was laughing pretty hard after that one.

I don't even know how I will make it through the week.

want to hear something silly?

I sit on the couch every week, started sitting there the 3rd visit.

I was just there today!!

I can't describe the couch!!

I think it's brown leather, with low, rolled, padded arms. Soft enough to be comfy but not one you'd sink way into.

And that darn "Tell me about your childhood." pillow. lol

[Cheri]

Wow! What an intense session. Thank you for having the courage to share your experience.

[Gracey]

I'm not sure I've ever let my "unconsciousness" or "subconscious" take over. But then, T doesn't ever sit behind me. We have this understanding. . .no matter how many times I turn away or hide from him, he is to never turn away. I had a T do that once. . .in an effort to help me not feel so shamed. It devastated me. It's one thing to be complete filth, you know? It's entirely another to know that someone can't look at you. I think I'd feel weird if he was behind me.

Oh hells bells. . .I don't know why I just wrote all of that.

[MissCharlotte]

PInksoil,

This is simply amazing. Thanks for sharing. Now I think you are beyond brave.

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Gracey said:
I'm not sure I've ever let my "unconsciousness" or "subconscious" take over. But then, T doesn't ever sit behind me. We have this understanding. . .no matter how many times I turn away or hide from him, he is to never turn away. I had a T do that once. . .in an effort to help me not feel so shamed. It devastated me. It's one thing to be complete filth, you know? It's entirely another to know that someone can't look at you. I think I'd feel weird if he was behind me.

Oh hells bells. . .I don't know why I just wrote all of that.

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Yeah, T and I had figured out together why I never wanted the couch... well, 2 reasons really... 1. I had told him that I never had anyone look at me the way he does... so engaged, so intense. So once I go on the couch, that will be taken away. and... 2. This is psychoanalysis, so the whole point is letting the unconscious take over and then process it afterwards. Well that's %#@&amp;#! scary as hell. That means no filter, no censorship, and the chance of reexperiencing an unpleasant state, as I did today. For almost 2 years I resisted that by refusing the couch. That's the point of having the analyst behind you in psychoanalysis... There is nothing hindering the unconscious. Of course he is there, and he was amazing to remind me of that by saying, "I'm still here." He knew that I would need that in order for me to feel safe.

Wow. I must edit this to add that it just hit me how very much I must trust him to allow myself to experience what happened today.

sorry pink I think we were posting at the same time...

Your description of flipping onto your back at the first mention of the poems is too cute! Sounds like a comedy sketch!! Bam and she's on her back!

Wow, I didn't know that's how it goes on the couch! That's very powerful and moving. It's so sweet how he reassured you that he was still there.

What would it have been like to just allow the tears to flow there? He's there for you, accepts all of you.

I think it's so great that you shared all this with your husband and that he was so loving and comforting! Wow that he asked Do you need a hug expressed his understanding! What a great guy you have there!

Hey call your T if you want to. He's offered and wants to be there for you. He's said before that he wants to know how you're feeling in the moment, and I imagine that is especially true after today's session, don't you?

Wow, pink, I think you were brave and courageous today, too!

Do you look forward to your next session and will you return to the couch each time now?

(((( hugs ))))) for you and for the 18-year-old pink!

ECHOES