[ilikecats]

I was wondering how many of us have transference for our T's. Do you have transference? Is it maternal, paternal, erotic, general, multiple ones, other, or none? What's your experience with this?

I have maternal and erotic transference for my T, though it's mostly maternal. I think she probably knows about the maternal transference, though I hope she doesn't know about the erotic. I actually like having it, because it makes me feel good to love her so much. I just want her to be my second mom, and seeing her always makes me happy. The transference is also hard though because she can't be my mom, and I don't get to have that kind of relationship with her. Overall though I do like it.

I have never had transference for my therapists that I am aware of. If I did, it wasn't apparently of enough issue to much impact my therapy. I didn't see therapists who particularly dealt with transference -- not that I'm aware of anyway. None of them ever mentioned the concept, but I never saw exclusively psychodynamic therapists so that wasn't really part of their orientation. I think I'm glad about that.

I've never longed for my therapists to have any other role in me life than what they were -- my therapists. For me, that worked well and kept my therapy focused on what I needed to work on instead of things getting entangled in feelings about my therapists. That doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for my therapists. I liked them quite a lot. We got along very well. They were very supportive and served their purpose in my healing and recovery. I'm just glad I didn't have that issue added on to all the issues I had to start off with; I didn't need more complication.

I also have maternal and erotic transference. It's very confusing because there are so many underlying emotions and desires that I have for t. My transference has changed to negative transference lately. It depends on how our relationship is and what is happening in that. During my last session after t had said something which was very blaming and hurtful to me, she asked what happened as I looked at her. I didn't tell her the truth because I wanted to punch her in the face but instead I said nothing. This infuriates her and she gets angry. When my t was kind and compassionate at the start I had strong maternal and erotic transference. Now that she is a raging b**** most of the time I have begun to hate her. Transference is fluid like all feelings and never static. I really miss the feelings I used to have for her even though they were very painful at times. I longed to be her daughter / partner whatever she needed I would have been. I agree that some transference feelings can remind us of a situation or event from the past but these feelings I have are situational created by our relationship together.
I do believe that had I of gotten the love I needed and wanted off my own mother I would not lust after my t and older women so much!

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[Waterbear]

I am not sure I would call it transference but motherly feelings, yes I was starting to feel them. For me I think its about that scary word intimacy. I think it is important to me on my road to learn how to do all of that.

[Soccer mom]

I had MET with ex-T. It was so consuming and very painful. She kept blaming my inability to talk a lot and fear of her acting like my mom on the transference. I have been with my new T. for 7 months now. I have the exact same thing - MET- with her and the same issues of not opening up. But, it's not distressing at all because her reactions and interactions with me are completely different. So, it wasn't the transference - it was ex-T's temperament and the way she handled me.

[nottrustin]

I went with other. Definitely not maternal but more like an aunt or something. I worry about her safety especially when she is traveling. I also fight the argue to take care of her....

[ThisWayOut]

I've had transference in terms of reacting to t as if she would react like my parents would have. I wouldn't say it's a longing for any of my t's to be anything other than a t (though that had popped up in the past briefly, mostly when we cover difficult abuse or trauma issues. It's a longing for safety and nurturing). I tend to worry t is mad at me a lot of the time. I'm starting to be able to pinpoint it more easily. I find myself concerned that I've upset t for one reason or another, but then I realize it's a fear from the past and not valid at all to the current situation... I've talked about it with the few t's it's happened with, and they've all seemed to take it in stride.
I can recall only one or two instances of erotic transference, both times starting as an immediate physical attraction upon meeting them the first time (they both very closely matched my "ideal type"), so I'm not sure how much it was transference or just sexual attraction.
Granted, I don't have much memory of the interactions with several of my t's due to dissociation, but this is what I can easily recall.

When I read on here about transference. It feels like a dirty thing. To b/w. Lots of talking about it, but so little understanding about it. Like it's this stand alone thing. It's like someone's asking a I'll child "u got those measles'.
I dunno. Maybe it is just me. But man, this forum is the worse therapist waiting room I've ever been in lol

[ScarletPimpernel]

Past Ts and counselors I've had maternal transference with. Ex-T I had an extreme attachment to. Current T, I think I have a healthy attachment with her.

[brillskep]

In my opinion and from what I've learned, it's not possible not to experience transference / not just with therapists but with most people we meet - but of course, that would also depend on how one defines transference. I have experienced transference in my relationship with my therapist and sure enough, in six years I've had time to see in him a boyfriend, a father, a brother, a best friend, a mother, a grandmother, a good teacher, even a school bully ... and yet, to me, that is just one side of transference. Recently I've come to notice our dynamic of feeling the same things about each other and each other's actions - for example, when I feel like he is crossing my boundaries, he feels I am putting pressure on his. When he feels interrupted by me, I feel interrupted by him, etc. When I feel powerless, he feels powerless, or the other way around. Before that, toward the beginning of my therapy but also for a few years, it was very important to me to see our similarities (similar experiences, birthdays that are one the day after the other, similar attitudes and hobbies, etc). Before that, in the first several months of therapy, he was my role model and I wanted to become a therapist who works exactly like him. Both these and other aspects of our experience together are deeper types of transference, in my view. There is a lot of complex literature around transference which I found very useful.

[RedSun]

I've experienced intense erotic transference with my T, it's been painful to work through. It still occurs but it's much better now, and it's been helpful to understand my process and the patterns I impose on my relationships with others, and my expectations of my value in relationships (mostly sexual).

My maternal transference is similar to ThisWayOut in that I didn't want T to be my Mum etc...but when we discuss issues from the past, I think she will react the same way. I expect her to be annoyed with me, to think I'm making a fuss, being selfish, that I should put her needs first....T named the transference and said it may help to know it is that. I wish she would push through more of her own opinion though.

With T1 I experienced maternal and erotic transference as well as a yearning attachment which I have since been told by a psychoanalyst is 'other' than transference and was caused by his inconsistent boundaries.
With T2 it's more complicated. Since he told me he has paternal feelings towards me (which he says are not countertransference as the originate in him) I have been thinking about him a lot more and imagining what it would be like to have him as my father. It's almost as though I'm having some sort of countertransference response to his feelings. It's a complicated thing, this therapy business.

[Mike_J]

I hate the word transference, can't it just be the case that she is very attractive and I have a huge crush on her?

Originally Posted by Mike_J

I hate the word transference, can't it just be the case that she is very attractive and I have a huge crush on her?

Yes exactly and if we met somebody outside of therapy can you imagine saying I have a transference on her

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[junkDNA]

i have paternal transference for my T. he knows about it. i think it developed because he has been re-parenting me so i can use it as a role model to parent my own self when the time comes, which this has been working as i am more able to parent myself during times of distress. that's not to say, though, that i still dont need reassurance and support from hiM!!!!

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have maternal transference with my T. It has been a very difficult thing to deal with and it has been so smothering and has really consumed my thoughts. I have wanted my T to be my mom. My relationship has been so healing with her. What has helped is talking to her about it. I did have this idealized version of her in my head of how she is in sessions and that was feeding the transference so much. A couple months ago we had a rough phone call where she was tired and and we were both upset with each other. I hated seeing that side of her but it got rid of this perfect image I had of her and lessened my transference. I have learned so much about myself and my feelings since dealing with transference so although it has been so painful it has been really helpful. It also really helps when your T understands it and helps you through it like mine has.

[SeekerOfLife]

I do not know what kind, if any. I used to hope that we could become friends. And also, I seem to view her as a kindly sister.

[baseline]

I don't know if its transference or not. In the beginning I thought he was arrogant and not very nurturing. As he got to know me better he was very kind and gentle. I promised myself I wouldn't get close or needy. He was like the parent or older sibling I have always dreamed of. He became my safety net and my nurturer. I wanted him hold me but would never say so. I have told him I had feelings for him. He never embarrassed me nor did he discuss it with me. As time went on it became less of AN infatuation or crush and more of a respected and comforting thing. I know it will be hard to eventually leave.

With the first two, absolutely not. Didn't see either of them long enough for it to develop. Current t, oh yeah. Maternal for sure. But some others sprinkled in there too. My t's perspective is that it's all about the relationship - and indeed, it's been because of and within the therapeutic relationship between us that my healing has happened. I am in awe of this thing they call "the process".

[divine1966]

No not really. I do like my t and find her really helpful. Had a good session today. But no particular attachment. I don't think about my t outside of sessions. Unless something comes up and I think of making an appointment to see her to deal with whatever it is

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[heda]

Ye. I have erotic transference with my female T (I am a lesbian). I have told her I have a crush on her and we discussed my transference with her.

It's been helping my sessions a lot actually. I am really grateful how it's improve the sessions and how well she took it and has been working with me.

I do agree, the word transference is an odd word to say to your T. In context I have said 'my crush on you' or something similar.

[with or without you]

I can't get enough of the transference topics. They are endlessly fascinating to me.

For purposes of context, I am female. I had huge maternal transference with 2 ex-Ts that I saw when I was younger. The fact that I was so young makes perfect sense. (I saw one when I was 17, and then began seeing a different one when I was barely 20 years old.) The 2nd one I saw (the one when I was 20) - that one was the biggest maternal transference of them all. I would think about her all the time outside of sessions and there was enough of an age difference where she fit the perfect "mother" figure. I really can't say it was erotic because I never fantasized of doing anything sexual or romantic with her. When she did enter my thoughts, it was more like us just hanging out or running into each other somewhere, or going to a park for a session but the talk would be more "two-way". I did have dreams of visiting her at her house and I told her about them. She found it interesting that in my dreams, her "house" had gold panelled walls in one dream, and in the other it had a huge library with ceilings that looked like something out of Downton Abbey. She interpreted this to mean that I really held her in a place of esteem, a high pedestal so to speak. When I finally brought this whole issue up, I can still vividly recall that she kept the session going for an hour and a half (double time) because she wanted to make sure that I had really talked it out. [I was not charged for that or anything.] When I had to terminate (not because of this issue) she told me that she had seen maybe 500 different patients over the course of her career, and that I was one of the very, very few who was the most "real" with her, and #1 out of everyone when it came being open about my feelings toward her as the therapist. I really grew and learned a lot as a person from this particular experience of transference and why I got so damn attached to her:

1) it made me more open-minded to the fact that you can really desire intense, deep connections with people (both genders) that have nothing to do with sexual or romantic attraction, just yearning for a deep understanding with someone. I've always wanted that deep down, despite being a shy and introverted person. Even as a child. But I feel that people who I am friendly with never want to go there with me. For instance, when I go to my home city to visit (I do not live there anymore) there is one friend in particular who invites me over to her house, but we always just sit together with her husband & one and/or both of their kids and watch TV. I would rather have a deep conversation with her the whole visit.

2) I was adopted but my birth mother played a role in my life as a "family friend" and her real relationship to me was kept from me for a long time.

3) My mom is a good mother in general but she was not perfect. She was an alcoholic for part of my childhood (especially ages 9-11) and unavailable while she was away in multiple rehab attempts or napping because she had been drinking too much. She is also a very anxious woman and I felt like I had to avoid coming to her with personal troubles when I was growing up in order to spare her from getting upset. I can remember she would get really worried (out of concern) if she saw me crying and that would, in turn, make me anxious because I would think there was something seriously wrong with having a normal human emotion. So I would do this "parenting of the parent," so to speak. I am in my 30s now and I still sometimes avoid being truthful with my mom when my depression gets really bad because she goes into orbit. So this therapist filled the hole because in theory, when you need your mother, she puts everything else aside to comfort you and take care of you, right? She's not supposed to make you feel alarmed or anxious. You don't know anything about her own needs. Same with a therapist. They listen to all your problems and all the attention is on you. Makes so much sense to me.

My current T is a normal and less intense attachment, my relationship with her comfortably feels like the role of a counselor or maybe slightly a teacher/mentor. The one before that (she was in between maternal transference T and current T) was the same kind of feeling.