Holding space

I had a really deep conversation with my T today that helped me understand some things.

We had a phone session on.Monday which went sort of poorly. I was telling her about something nasty someone had said to me and I felt like she blew it off and acted like it wasn't important. Then yesterday I texted her after my ortho doctor appointment where I got my MRI results. Chronic full rotator cuff tears in both my shoulders. Surgery is on the horizon.again I felt like she was not really emotionally engaged with me, like she was not particularly interested.

So in session today I was trying to talk about it and felt like she didn't understand and finally got so upset I was crying. She kept saying she was not like my mom and loved me and would not do anything to purposely hurt me. But I felt like she was being like my mom because I felt abandoned and I felt like she didn't care that this person. Was hurting me.

So finally I blurted out "if you care about why don't you care that this person hurt me? Why aren't you angry at them? Why don't you care about how much pain I'm in?"

I heard her sort of catch her breath and then say "oh. Oh. Bay, I DO care. I AM angry at them . I think they are a --creative set of swear words. But MY anger isn't important here. And I don't want my emotions influencing how YOU work through it. Of course I care how much pain you are in. Sometimes its very very hard for me to witness. I WANT to rush in and comfort you and make you feel better . but I'd be a s$%&-y therapist if I did that. I show my love by holding back and giving you the space to feel YOUR feelings and do YOUR work. Its about you, not me. I'll deal with MY feelings elsewhere. THis open space IS my expression of love"

You could have heard a pin drop after that. I never understood on an emotional level exactly what she was doing. It gave me a whole new perspective on our relationship...

My T and I just had a conversation like that on Monday. Exactly. I'm still processing it.

Wow. That does put a different perspective on it. Thanks for sharing.

My t and I had conversation like this after my mother died. And like you, my perspective was definitely changed.

Thanks for sharing your experience

Sounds like this could be a big step in your healing process Bay. It's not often we have someone in life that cares about is so much that they completely shut out their own feelings and leave all the space you need for yours, feels kinda great doesn't it

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Thanks for sharing. ' This open space is my expression of love " Wow.

Yeah they're human beings too....they really do feel it. But they gotta play the role of therapist and try their best to maintain a position that can help you process.

Beautiful share. Thank you

Way to go, BB's T!

It seems like everyone's therapist in here has said they love them after a time in therapy but mine, not that I'm hurt or anything, LOL!

I think that's awesome your therapist can tell you she cares about you in that way.

Great post! Thanks for sharing. Your T sounds wonderful.

It's great that you got that kind of feedback.

This concept has recently come up for me in my own therapy and caused me to question it.

I think certian moments in therapy call for a therapist validating their patients experience (injustice, anger, pain) and then there are moments where it's necessary for therapists to be withholding in order to fascilitate exploration or the working through.

I think it takes a sensitive and skilled therapist to be able to be in tune with their patient and intuit what their patient needs to hear at that moment.

I also think it is very easy for a therapist, when frustrated or triggered, to hide behind "I am doing what's best for you" when being witholding. As patients, I think we can all sense where the source of the witholding is coming from(their issues or having our best interest at heart).

In general, I doubt whether the whole concept of "witholding" is even necessary in therapy.

I'd never really call what my own T does withholding. Just giving space. If I'd wanted more reassurance I could have gone and sat by her and she would have somehow comforted me. I chose not to myself because I knew i had to work the feelings through.

On the phone or by text she may not say what I wish she would but she always reassures me that she is there if I need her and loves me.

She is incredibly attuned to me and knows what I need a great deal of the time. I think she always validates MY feelings. But when my feelings are confused she doesn't impose hers on me.

Ah, okay, I hear that. I guess I was projecting my own experience unto yours(my therapist is frequently witholding).

It sounds like you have a great therapist!

Wow. Reading this actually brought tears to my eyes. It really gave me a new perspective on T/client relationship. Thank you for sharing!

I can't stop thinking about this post. I had a similar situation last week where i was really pissed off at someone and T didn't seem angry and I felt like she was just trying to stay neutral and I want her on my side! I wonder if she was also expressing her love for me by giving me this empty space. What a healthy way to look at it!

I'm going to ask her why she didn't really comment and just listened. I wonder if she was really mad too but just giving me the space to process without having to take into account her feelings.

I will ask her about this next week when I see her.

MEGA THANKS FOR POSTING THIS!

This post was very helpful to me. I sometimes get frustrated when I want T to express big feelings, often so I don't have to. Thank you for sharing!

sometimes i get the sense my T is too angry about someone/something in my life and doesnt want to talk about it. this might be just in my head, though. i make up a lot of assumptions in my head. i do wonder about it though