[substancelessblue]

I was drunk, making out with a guy, and remember nothing except pain, bleeding and crying. Yes, I have a lot of self-blame because I rarely feel much sexual agency and have no memory of what I "did" before the blood. It was in a club with a guy I didn't know.

My T has been helping me through the trauma but last session I left with intense anger, directed partly at her. Some of the things she said were "perhaps you enabled it," "it's your responsibility for how much you drank that night" and "it's not blame, it's just accepting responsibility."

I have a big thing against victim blaming and I felt she was straying into that territory. And it made me hate myself even more, taking on what I felt was her blame. I said "it's not a crime to drink a lot" and she said it wasn't about that, she is not a lawyer and we're not figuring out what is a crime.

But for me that matters. A sense of right/wrong matters, a culture of blame matters, and I can't pretend my issues are confined to my individual therapy session. I don't see how I'll get through this with her. I need her to help me not blame myself, not say it's possible I enabled it by drinking. I feel super vulnerable at the moment. Yes, I will explain my anger to her but I can't change her opinion if she's insistent on making me explore how I may have "enabled" getting hurt.

[feralkittymom]

I totally get how difficult this is, and I suspect the biggest problem is an issue of your T maybe not intuiting how important timing and readiness to tackle this is. Blame and responsibility are not the same thing--but I don't think anyone can distinguish them until they've reached a point of internalizing validation for the pain. She has to earn the right to pursue the distinction. But I know for me, accepting appropriate responsibility--and rejecting inappropriate responsibility--played a big part in my ability to shed self-blame.

[RedCedar]

I had a really similar with my T about a month ago. When I told her it felt like she was blaming me, she explained that general protocol with recent potential trauma to "encourage a sense of control and empowerment in the client." She was/is attempting to give me a feeling of being in control by pointing out what I could have done differently. I agree, it feels invalidating and feeds into the shame and self-blame both you and I (and probably many people who experience sexual assault) are already feeling. It may be that your T is just following her training, and it doesn't have anything to do with her personal values or opinions of you/your actions. I'm sorry your T isn't feeling supportive right now. It is NOT your fault. In case part of you doesn't believe me, I'll say it again. What happened was not. Your. Fault. Take care dear one!

[substancelessblue]

Originally Posted by RedCedar

I had a really similar with my T about a month ago. When I told her it felt like she was blaming me, she explained that general protocol with recent potential trauma to "encourage a sense of control and empowerment in the client." She was/is attempting to give me a feeling of being in control by pointing out what I could have done differently. I agree, it feels invalidating and feeds into the shame and self-blame both you and I (and probably many people who experience sexual assault) are already feeling. It may be that your T is just following her training, and it doesn't have anything to do with her personal values or opinions of you/your actions. I'm sorry your T isn't feeling supportive right now. It is NOT your fault. In case part of you doesn't believe me, I'll say it again. What happened was not. Your. Fault. Take care dear one!

I just want to say thank you for your words. I really need them right now. No one but my T knows what happened to me (well, people who were around when it happened do but haven't spoken about it since) and she has never told me it wasn't my fault. So I guess I've never heard anyone say that. Thank you. Almost cried. If anything that is more empowering than trying to sift through what I might have done to "enable" it. Also it is very helpful to know it may be general protocol.

[RedCedar]

Originally Posted by substancelessblue

I just want to say thank you for your words. I really need them right now. No one but my T knows what happened to me (well, people who were around when it happened do but haven't spoken about it since) and she has never told me it wasn't my fault. So I guess I've never heard anyone say that. Thank you. Almost cried. If anything that is more empowering than trying to sift through what I might have done to "enable" it. Also it is very helpful to know it may be general protocol.

So glad I could help! You don't deserve to have to hold this all alone! I hope you can find some support irl too, and please don't hesitate to message me if you need more reminders that this wasn't your fault. Or if you need to talk.

[scorpiosis37]

My long time T retired in November, so I tried starting with a new T. A few weeks in, a friend of mine made an unwanted move on me. (He is a man and I am an out lesbian). I told the new T, and she tried to ask what I could have done differently or how I could have prevented the situation. My answer: NOTHING. If someone does something without your consent, it is NOT your fault. I never went back to that T. I am so sorry this happened to you and that your T made things worse. It is NOT empowering to ask the victim what they could do differently; that is victim blaming. T's need to stop trying to use that outdated and ineffective method and support their clients.

[substancelessblue]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

My long time T retired in November, so I tried starting with a new T. A few weeks in, a friend of mine made an unwanted move on me. (He is a man and I am an out lesbian). I told the new T, and she tried to ask what I could have done differently or how I could have prevented the situation. My answer: NOTHING. If someone does something without your consent, it is NOT your fault. I never went back to that T. I am so sorry this happened to you and that your T made things worse. It is NOT empowering to ask the victim what they could do differently; that is victim blaming. T's need to stop trying to use that outdated and ineffective method and support their clients.

Thanks so much. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm really glad you had the intelligence and self-respect to quit therapy with someone like that. I am still in a kind of self-blame state, and I want my T to help me past that rather than turn it into something about "responsibility." I don't know if she will be able to. This scares me because I have been seeing her for 3 years and feel very dependent. Also I am terrible at being assertive. But I think reading your message will help me express this to her a little better.