[retro_chic]

So it seems that extended silence I had in my last session led to a rather productive session today. I wrote a pretty detailed reflection on that session and shared it with my T. I told her that I started to tear up at one point during that silence and I was angry at her because she was too busy taking notes to even notice. I felt abandoned. T asked me how I would like her to react to my distress and I said I was too embarrassed to tell her. I want her to hug me and take care of me but I know she can't do that and it wouldn't be good for me anyway. I could never tell T that though because I don't want to be disappointed when she says no.

I also talked to T about how I idealise her and I felt so uncomfortable and confused when those idealised feelings switched to anger last session and then switched back to idealisation about a day later. T shared some of her insights about this and I'm still trying to process it. She said something like I need to idealise people because anything less than that "perfect" image just doesn't feel right to me. People are either all good or all bad and anything in-between is wrong somehow. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or not.

T also said that I seem to want to resist being the "patient" and that I try to control the relationship in subtle ways (like withdrawing and not talking). She said something about how being in the subordinate role in relationship is uncomfortable for me so I try to "level the playing field". None of this is making much sense at the moment but there is definitely something there because I always feel like I am the subordinate in any relationship and tend to withdraw when I feel threatened as a way to control the situation. It's a lot to take in. I had to ask T to explain it to me again because I was so confused the first time she said all this. I feel like this is a roundabout way of saying I'm manipulative but I'm probably taking it the wrong way.

I had a lot of trouble staying present this session and felt weirdly disconnected from my left leg for a brief moment. It's hard to explain but I had to sort of wiggle my toes a bit and say to myself "this is my leg". I mostly felt pretty emotionally numb this session and I think I was blocking a lot of things out. My guard is definitely back up (and reinforced) after the previous session.

Also, it seems the deeper I delve into my issues the more issues I find. It seems like there is a never ending amount of things wrong with me and it will take a life time to sort through it all and then there won't be any time left to experience life normally.

[retro_chic]

Hey guys,
Could I possibly get some of your thoughts on this? I'm sorry to be so needy but I won't be seeing my T for two weeks and I'm feeling kind of anxious and clingy...

[Waterbear]

Sounds like you really managed to get a lot spoken about during your session, that is great. To feel some movement forwards must be a relief for you, even if it does bring up a lot more to be worked on or through. I understand your problem with controlling the relationships. I do this in all walks of my life and I also withdraw if I cannot control, it is a form of control in itself. Giving up this means I am vulnerable and that is a place I am not ready to go to yet but know I will have to one day. Do you think you could go to that place with your T?

Makes sense to me. I can relate to a lot of what you said, and I have massive issues with control. I withdraw too - and i do think its connected to feelings of control - but i don't think its manipulative (and Ive dwelt on this for years!) I think its just a defence mechanism for the extreme anxiety that follows a loss of control.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Sounds like you really managed to get a lot spoken about during your session, that is great. To feel some movement forwards must be a relief for you, even if it does bring up a lot more to be worked on or through. I understand your problem with controlling the relationships. I do this in all walks of my life and I also withdraw if I cannot control, it is a form of control in itself. Giving up this means I am vulnerable and that is a place I am not ready to go to yet but know I will have to one day. Do you think you could go to that place with your T?

I'm really trying to get to that place with my T but it's hard. I feel like whenever I take a small step in that direction the tiniest thing can set me back (like T not reacting in the appropriate way when I teared up). I guess I just need to be patient.

[Out There]

I also had a problem with my left leg during therapy and that caught my attention. Then you mention taking a small step in a direction and things setting you back. Emotional things do affect us physically , I'm glad your session was productive.

[retro_chic]

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I'm really missing my T today . I've been seeing her weekly since the beginning of the year and this is the first two week gap between sessions. I can't afford to see her weekly and she is on leave this week anyway. I have this fantasy about T that I think about whenever I'm feeling upset or am just missing her. I imagine her sitting next to me on a big soft couch with lots of pillows and blankets and she's holding me and telling me everything's going to be okay. I also imagine my cat snuggled between us and purring. I am way too embarrassed to ever tell T about this fantasy but yeah... Do any of you have thoughts like this? I hate feeling needy

[Waterbear]

I go to sleep every night holding my own hand just wishing it were a 'mother figure' holding it instead of me. I should have had that.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I go to sleep every night holding my own hand just wishing it were a 'mother figure' holding it instead of me. I should have had that.

I have a close relationship with my mum in some ways but I feel as though there has always been a misalignment with our personalities and consequently I often feel as though she invalidates my feelings or is too controlling. I guess thats why I feel so attached to my T. Knowing this certainly doesn't make it any easier though. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next two weeks