[rainbow8]

I just came from my session. It was okay considering I was away for so long. I asked if she's ever going to make me quit and she said no. She hopes that one day I will decide on my own that I don't need her but if I want to see her for the rest of my life, she would not kick me out.

She suggested trying to journal instead of emailing but said it's just a suggestion. She understands that I do it to stay connected. She asked if there's anyone else I could talk to about my session instead, so of course I said "this forum" and maybe 1 or 2 others. So maybe I will try this week. But it means I have to say what we started talking about which is embarrassing. Oh, and she did not tell her daughter to make her blog private.

The last 15 minutes were about how I hate the way I look, and I showed her my recent "fat photos". Of course she suggests losing weight but that's very hard for me. I'm trying. I told her I feel inferior to her. I mentioned that despised anatomy word "breast" more than once. She looked good today, no glasses, and that made me feel more self-conscious. I asked how could she love me if I look so horrible but she said loving me has nothing to do with appearance. I am not so overweight but I look like I am. She said something about not slouching, not in a critical way. She's never mentioned that before though I have.

I wish my T weren't so thin and pretty. Actually I am pretty too but I don't see that in most photos. I have wanted to talk directly about my appearance for a long time now, and the associated topic of shame and inability to ask my mother something about anatomy. My T always thinks talking about my brother is more important. Not true! She said we will start out with this next time.

I'm a mess of feelings now. Mostly shame. I hope that posting will let me try the experiment of not emailing her for as long as I can. I told her it feels like death, not emailing. She thinks my attachment style growing up was disorganized, and that having her as a secure attachment person in my life is what's going to help me. Talking about my feelings toward her is always welcome in the session.

She hopes I will find a partner with whom I will be able to get more of my needs met. I didn't have that with my H.

This session unleashed a lot. I still need therapy and I need my T. I didn't like all of her ideas, which is why advice isn't usually given in therapy, and she doesn't know how hard it is for me to lose 20 pounds. That's all I need to lose.

I got past the need to tell T the good and bad about the session by writing this. I can still email. I can experiment another week, or not. Again, she made sure I knew that she's not taking anything away from me! Sorry this is so long.

I didn't put the thumbs up icon on this thread. Don't know how it got there!

T suggested I wear flowing, long clothes when I said I don't like tight tops. I didn't like her saying that. So I wish I could email her that now. Waiting a week to tell that is why it's hard for me. We didn't do SE today. She usually doesn't give me this much advice but I've never exploded so strongly about hating the way I look.

[unaluna]

New york times says 9 hours of exercise per week to lose wgt and keep it off. That has been my experience too. Plus a decent enough diet.

I agree, probably disorganized attachment. Like sometimes there, sometimes not there? Just enough so you cant complain? Like intermittent reinforcement - the worst, it just sucks you in!

[Rive.]

What I take is good news on two fronts:
1. She is not going to ditch you as far as she can predict
2. She didn't rat you out to her daughter, thus she was not being dishonest.
I hope that reassures you or at least put your mind at rest?

I agree in that I believe if you had someone close to you, emotionally, you would probably not have this gaping need directed at her. But you have unmet needs and she is this loving caring mother-figure... Thus, you want to cling to her and fear losing her, so she needs to be in sight. Kinda like babies and object permanence: is mom still here, has she disappeared on me...which causes them much distress etc. maybe that's why you have this need or urge to check (is she around, real, does she still love me...?)

And yes, love is not about how someone looks but how/who they are. If you want to lose weight, why not try to implement *one* change? Ex: drink 8 glasses of water per day or replace one 'bad' habit with a healthier one or go for a 20-30min daily swim. You decide where to start... Just change one thing and keep at it. Once it becomes a habit, introduce something else.

Point to ponder (I may be wrong, if so please ignore): do you think you resent her being thin and pretty because you fear she might ditch you? As in: what can she see in me, I don't deserve her, she will judge me (as not being pretty enough to hang out with her)...

[rainbow8]

Thanks, una. I do swim but not every day. My T asked if I wanted her to agree how awful I look but she won't do that. I wish I didn't like food so much!

Once I posted here every day instead of emailing my T. It proved I could do it but so what? I'm going to write how I feel each day. Like now, I want to tell her what I posted. I feel sad. Like crying. I want to continue the session. A week seems like forever.

Rainbow it is so hard to lose weight and to be motivated enough to lose it. You will know the time when you are ready and only then will you start.
Are you eating more lately? You have had a great loss, the loss of your husband and I wonder if you are using good as a substitute?
I am glad to hear your t is going nowhere, that's reassuring but perhaps it feels like she is going because you won't be emailing this week! How did this topic come up? Did you or t bring up the emailing?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Rive.

What I take is good news on two fronts:
1. She is not going to ditch you as far as she can predict
2. She didn't rat you out to her daughter, thus she was not being dishonest.
I hope that reassures you or at least put your mind at rest?

I agree in that I believe if you had someone close to you, emotionally, you would probably not have this gaping need directed at her. But you have unmet needs and she is this loving caring mother-figure... Thus, you want to cling to her and fear losing her, so she needs to be in sight. Kinda like babies and object permanence: is mom still here, has she disappeared on me...which causes them much distress etc. maybe that's why you have this need or urge to check (is she around, real, does she still love me...?)

And yes, love is not about how someone looks but how/who they are. If you want to lose weight, why not try to implement *one* change? Ex: drink 8 glasses of water per day or replace one 'bad' habit with a healthier one or go for a 20-30min daily swim. You decide where to start... Just change one thing and keep at it. Once it becomes a habit, introduce something else.

Point to ponder (I may be wrong, if so please ignore): do you think you resent her being thin and pretty because you fear she might ditch you? As in: what can she see in me, I don't deserve her, she will judge me (as not being pretty enough to hang out with her)...

Thank you, Rive. You always write such thoughtful responses! I feel a lot better knowing that my T is not ever going to make me quit until I'm ready. Even if I'm never ready! Yes, my attachment issues cause me to want to
be sure my T is around, but I have no doubts about her caring for me. No, I don't feel like she's going to ditch me but I feel inferior to her.

It's almost bedtime and I didn't email my T. I feel okay. I'm too tired to care that I didn't email.

[Rive.]

Aw, thank you rainbow I am touched by your words. And humbled. It's the first time someone said something nice about me on here. Thank you.

And yes, by all means write on the boards to your heart's content. That's what forums are for. It might make you feel less alone...or maybe at least understood. Take care.

rainbow8 quote: Oh, and she did not tell her daughter to make her blog private.

What actually did happen? Only if you're willing to share.

[divine1966]

Losing weight is like a full time job. It's like one needs to work out like crazy and watch what they eat 24/7. Doesn't need to be that hard! Ugh

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

rainbow8 quote: Oh, and she did not tell her daughter to make her blog private.

What actually did happen? Only if you're willing to share.

You mean about her daughter's blog? Nothing happened. I asked her when I got up to leave. She said she doesn't tell her daughter what to do. She seemed surprised that it was private. I didn't ask if she told her a client read it, just "Did you tell your d to make her blog private?"

I'm not feeling an urge to email T. Relief. But I'm thinking about how ashamed I feel when I talk about what I did. It is the hardest to talk about, harder than anything else! Body image, fears from the past about something, and feeling inferior to my T. I've skirted these issues but now want to face them directly despite the shame and embarrassment. I wish it were next week already.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

You mean about her daughter's blog? Nothing happened. I asked her when I got up to leave. She said she doesn't tell her daughter what to do. She seemed surprised that it was private. I didn't ask if she told her a client read it, just "Did you tell your d to make her blog private?"

I'm not feeling an urge to email T. Relief. But I'm thinking about how ashamed I feel when I talk about what I did. It is the hardest to talk about, harder than anything else! Body image, fears from the past about something, and feeling inferior to my T. I've skirted these issues but now want to face them directly despite the shame and embarrassment. I wish it were next week already.

Good for you for wanting to trudge on.

Wishing you well,
wtr

[musinglizzy]

Rainbow, I know it's hard, but try not to be ashamed of how you feel. It's great that you're telling her these things. By holding it back, will only hold YOU back more.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Rainbow it is so hard to lose weight and to be motivated enough to lose it. You will know the time when you are ready and only then will you start.
Are you eating more lately? You have had a great loss, the loss of your husband and I wonder if you are using good as a substitute?
I am glad to hear your t is going nowhere, that's reassuring but perhaps it feels like she is going because you won't be emailing this week! How did this topic come up? Did you or t bring up the emailing?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks, Mona. Actually, I've been eating less because I don't buy the junk food my H always wanted in the house. I lost about 6 lbs. but now I'm stuck. It's harder to lose when you're older, I think.

I brought up the emailing because it was the last thing we talked about at my last session on April12. T suggested I journal instead of emailing and that's when I emailed her an angry note about her horrible timing! So I wanted to tell her how emailing helped me stay connected while I was away. She understands but said the goal of our work together is so I can manage my parts and their feelings without needing to involve her. Thus my concern about her making me quit.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Losing weight is like a full time job. It's like one needs to work out like crazy and watch what they eat 24/7. Doesn't need to be that hard! Ugh

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree, divine!!

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Rainbow, I know it's hard, but try not to be ashamed of how you feel. It's great that you're telling her these things. By holding it back, will only hold YOU back more.

Thank you, ml. You're right. I've struggled with this stuff for too many years through too many Ts because I couldn't tell anyone what really bothered me. I'm having trouble telling my T, too. She doesn't totally get it but that's because I censor my thoughts and feelings. I know I can tell my T anything but when I talk sometimes other words come out instead of what I want to say. I get too embarrassed and ashamed. I realize that the only way out is through, which is T's quote from Robert Frost. I stumble over my words, but they need to be said. They've already been written but that's not enough.

Tomorrow is Thursday. It's not so bad not processing the session with her. I wonder if emailing photos counts? For this week I'll try not to and see how I feel. I bought a new notebook to write the things I can't post here. I think It's reassurance that I don't have to give anything up is giving me the security to try! That's a good insight.

[rainbow8]

I had a busy day and didn't think about T until I wrote in my new journal. Now that it's on paper I feel calmer about the session. But then what happens is the feelings won't be so strong when I see T so I will have an excuse not to work on the issues. Not sure if that makes sense. I think it deserves its own thread.

I wonder if T will write me like she always does on Thursday or Fridays if I don't write her first. I want that little bit of connection which is different from processing my session in the email. I don't think she would object to that, seeing that I told her I wasn't ready to stop emailing and she was fine with it! So I will see how I feel tomorrow and Friday.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I've struggled with this stuff for too many years through too many Ts because I couldn't tell anyone what really bothered me. I'm having trouble telling my T, too. She doesn't totally get it but that's because I censor my thoughts and feelings. I know I can tell my T anything but

when I talk sometimes other words come out instead of what I want to say.

I get too embarrassed and ashamed.

I stumble over my words, but they need to be said.

Hi Rainbow, I suggest addressing the embarrassment & shame > "I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed".

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Rainbow, I suggest addressing the embarrassment & shame > "I'm embarrassed, I'm ashamed".

Thank you, Sannah. T and I have talked about the shame and where it came from, but it's still there. I think she will want to use some visualization or do SE or some other techniques to help me. Talking isn't enough. I'm even ashamed of the word " shame."

[Sannah]

I'm not talking about deep analysis of the shame, I'm just thinking that in the moment when you are hesitant to speak because you are feeling shame to address your feelings in that moment & then maybe you will be able to better process what is going on with you in that moment. I'm a big live in the moment person. From what I've read recently in your posts it seems like you like to escape being in the moment?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm not talking about deep analysis of the shame, I'm just thinking that in the moment when you are hesitant to speak because you are feeling shame to address your feelings in that moment & then maybe you will be able to better process what is going on with you in that moment. I'm a big live in the moment person. From what I've read recently in your posts it seems like you like to escape being in the moment?

I don't consciously want to escape being in the moment. It's just that my T is very much focused on it, so it's normal for her to ask me what I'm feeling, where in my body do I feel it--exactly what you're talking about. Like when I comment about her wearing her glasses or not, in the session, she is interested on what is going on for me in that very moment of reacting to her appearance. It will get confusing because the issue is about shame, so in the moment I need to discuss shame about discussing shame! So my T agrees with you and I am learning. But often I'm not present, she says. I don't know if that's the same as not being in the moment. It's more like dissociating because it's too hard to be there. Eye contact problem. I try to look at her and be present, not "go somewhere else." I like sessions where I'm totally there with T and we feel very much connected.

Today I'm tired. Did not get enough sleep but cannot sleep during the day. Been trying all day! I feel a little unsettled because I didn't email yet, but it's manageable. I'm going to a program on grief tonight if I can stay awake.

[rainbow8]

I had to email my T to ask if I could see her a different time on Tuesday. I wrote that I was okay not emailing but missed her when I was writing this email. I wrote "I'm not going to say anything about my reactions to last week until my session, so I'm not cheating."

It would have been better not to add anything, just ask about the schedule, but hey, I'm doing my best with this! Not sure that icon fits but oh, well.

[rainbow8]

I'm still posting here, mainly for me. T emailed back that she doesn't have a later appointment. Of course that triggers me! She's so busy! Tuesday will be stressful as I have to go somewhere early in the morning and I will be exhausted by the time of my appointment! I might be catching a cold, too. It's hard to wait to talk about my reactions to last session but I'm doing it even though I feel irritable right now.