im so humiliated why did i talk

MKAC do you know i love you bunches . i also know you so well . and thank you for biting your tongue .i know you are. my T was so out of line with how she is dealing with this all. i asked about the meds and she said it will help some but it wont make me happy ,she said i need to start talking about the things that are causing me anxiety, i talked some about family stuff. she really got down on my father again so it was hard to continue . then she brought up everything that was going on with the changes. i was open with her about how it wasnt nessisarily seeing her privately or not but it was the changes . as usual these days i start crying and freaking out . i was crying and i asked if i could just tell her what is making me so upset . she said absolutely. i told her how i remember her saying she was taking only the dedicated hard working clients with her and that i was one of the chosen ones . she for once didnt deny her saying something . i told er even though i was apprehensive about the seeing her privately it felt so good that someone felt like that about me . that finely i was doing something right. then BAM everything changed suddenly i didnt make the grade. i was no longer that client . i was the client that missed sessions and bugged her for an extra sessions and everything blew up. i ws now also the client that was no longer eligible to see her in her private office . i think she actually had tears in her eyes as she said that all this had nothing to do with her feelings for me at all and she still feels the same towards me . that i am hard working brave and dedicated to working in therapy .i told her after all this happened with me and forgetting my session and bugging her for an extra session was what sarted this change . now the story has changed again . she once again she completely understands my confusion. in fact she said it was her confusion in managing this. she realized that this was a bigger undertaking then she thought .it was going to take some time but that eventually i am going to have to see her privately . she just cant take on so many new clients at once .i told her is was not the idea at this point of seeing her at either place that i didnt really care but it was weather she had seen the kind of person i was .and no longer felt the same way . she once again apologized and was really hearing what i said and that she had no idea who badly she had hurt me and confused me . at the end of session 50 min (so much for 35 i need my watch i forgot )she confirmed that definite her feelings about working with me has not changed at all and that im definitely going to eventually HAVE to see her in private ( the story seems to change weekly). once again she ignored that i cant afford to see her privately .now if all the family crud can go away

That is very good news. I knew your T didn't change her mind about you! I'm so glad you talked to her and that she apologized.

she knows how she handled this was not so good and she says that this is her own confusion in how to approach the move and the situation and thats the reason for so many changes . it has nothing to do with anything i did . she said she would be honored to see me in her private practice. im so confused .i know what she said last week .

she also said that me forgetting to come to my session was ok .it was just not something that i usually do so she was very worried about me .that is why she called . funny i didnt even know she had called until i got home after the session .she once again said she has never seen any behavior or comments that have ever made her think i was a spoiled brat at all ,or selfish or horrible . i wish she would .i do feel if she could help me with these things it would help me to be able to deal better in life . i still want to go on meds and hopefully it will speed up things and make me a bit more pleasant to be around as a person.

I am glad you got some clarification.

You worked through this, granite. You PROCESSED this. It feels different, reading your posts today. Yeah, the going private situation isn't SOLVED yet, but you moved through a lot of it. You just told her, you asked her the scariest thing - can I trust you to hold me worthy? - that's a really huge step.

I think it's something we - people raised as many of us were - ask our t's every session, and what makes every day so miserable.

I told my t today that my mother only appreciated the pink tulips I planted at the old house after she moved to her condo. She harvested a bunch and the other old ladies at the condo were all, oh how beautiful! THEN she was all, oh yeah my daughter planted them. But they were worthless before that, no matter what I said.( I had chosen them to match her dishes.) And I was still worthless.

I will say that the tiny bit of things you've posted about your father, has shown me that he was abusive (still is) in his own way.I know this stuff is really hard to hear, because they are your parents and are supposed to love and protect their children--except you got two really sh!tty parents that did neither, and it must be hell trying to reconcile that. I hate that you should have to.
No, you THINK you heard her shutting you down because you are a "bad" client. Like everything I bolded, she was confused and didn't handle telling you properly.
Granite!! I AM SO PROUD YOU TOLD HER WHAT YOU WERE FEELING. This is HUGE. Everything I bolded shows that everything you thought was based on your fears because you were so triggered....and had nothing to do with you. I swear, I should copy these things down and then when you feel like she hates you, I will just keep re-posting all the good things your T tells about you, or confirms that whatever happened really didn't have anything to do with how "horrible or a selfish brat" you are.

I want to tell you something about my therapist and me.

I constantly think I am too much...pushing too hard...behaving too badly.....and that is exactly the stuff we often talk about in session. I have learned that I have always been overly careful and cautious with my relationships because I couldn't trust.

My advice would be to tell her your worries....tell her your fears....and definitely lobby for more than 35 minutes. How often are you seeing her?

So glad you went and were honest. Sorry she handled things so poorly-can you forgive her for messing up?
I wouldn't worry about the seeing her privately in the future. She has shown that she will listen, really listen and that she is there to help and support you. The two of you will figure that out when the time comes.

Yay granite. Brave brave you!