[rainbow8]

I called in to a spousal loss support group for the disease my husband had. One woman spoke about her friend who also lost her H, but this friend said she was feeling good, and felt free at last. The woman in the group thought that was awful, that she herself lost the love of her life, and the others on the conference call agreed.

I'm not calling in anymore for sure! I feel like that woman's friend. My T said I feel free because I wasn't happy in my marriage. I'm grieving for what I didn't have. I miss my H but I don't identify with those women in the group. I wonder if people see that I feel good? I feel guilty but I can't pretend that I'm grieving in a way that I'm not. I'm doing things that I felt I couldn't do during my marriage. I know my T would say my feelings are whatever they are, and not to judge them but it's hard. I feel guilty and sad because it shows what a bad wife I was. I thought that group would help, but now I know it's the wrong group for me.

[ilikecats]

I don't think you need to feel guilty. There are plenty of reasons a person could feel relieved or free when someone dies. It doesn't mean they are bad or that they didn't care about the person. It just means they feel relief, and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone's situation is different, and it's okay to feel differently than other people.

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[atisketatasket]

Many deaths are freeing, even deaths of those we had great relationships with, and especially if the illness was lengthy and debilitating.

You can miss someone and still feel liberated by their death. It's similar to divorce - free, yet this huge part of your life is gone.

[Rive.]

The problem is that in society, one is expected to portray grief at the death of one’s spouse. The dictates and ‘shoulds’ of society - with no understanding whatsoever of what it is to walk in someone else’s shoes.

It is easy to ‘judge’ and condemn others when one has had a wonderful relationship or having lost the ‘love of their life’.

Problem is, not everyone is in a relationship with the ‘love of their life’: either the love has died, the love was never there in the first place, if one is mistreated or if one has/had the burden of caring for someone who is ill/terminally ill etc. In such circumstances (feeling one can’t leave or one is ‘stuck’) it can feel like a burden while *in* said relationship. It’s not surprising to then feel a sentiment of...relief, freedom etc. It doesn’t mean one is heartless or a horrible human being. I think it is a very human reaction.

I don’t see this as what a bad wife you were - you weren’t happy in the relationship, yes? Yet you still stayed and cared for him, no? So, please don’t beat yourself up. You can, and are allowed to, feel both i.e. relief and sadness. It is all right.

ps: and kudos to you for not faking something you don’t feel.

I would hazard a guess that you weren't the only one struggling with this in the conference call. It's difficult (and not always productive) to speak up and express such difficult feelings when others appear judgemental of them.
Your feelings are valid rainbow. Remember that. I suspect therapy has helped you to be true to your feelings and not deny them to awareness like others might. That is an awesome achievement and very healthy.

[divine1966]

Don't feel guilty. Every situation is unique. You aren't obligated to fit into some kind of grieving model.

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[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I don't think you need to feel guilty. There are plenty of reasons a person could feel relieved or free when someone dies. It doesn't mean they are bad or that they didn't care about the person. It just means they feel relief, and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone's situation is different, and it's okay to feel differently than other people.

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Thanks, ilikecats. I have to remember what you wrote because people are surprised at how well I'm doing.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Many deaths are freeing, even deaths of those we had great relationships with, and especially if the illness was lengthy and debilitating.

You can miss someone and still feel liberated by their death. It's similar to divorce - free, yet this huge part of your life is gone.

That's a good way of putting it and it's how I feel. It just seems like many people, like those on the group call, are devastated when they lose their spouse. They go on with life, but something is missing. I feel like something is added to my life now, and that's what makes me feel horrible. Death of a spouse isn't like divorce for most people. It is for me, though.

Originally Posted by Rive.

The problem is that in society, one is expected to portray grief at the death of one’s spouse. The dictates and ‘shoulds’ of society - with no understanding whatsoever of what it is to walk in someone else’s shoes.

It is easy to ‘judge’ and condemn others when one has had a wonderful relationship or having lost the ‘love of their life’.

Problem is, not everyone is in a relationship with the ‘love of their life’: either the love has died, the love was never there in the first place, if one is mistreated or if one has/had the burden of caring for someone who is ill/terminally ill etc. In such circumstances (feeling one can’t leave or one is ‘stuck’) it can feel like a burden while *in* said relationship. It’s not surprising to then feel a sentiment of...relief, freedom etc. It doesn’t mean one is heartless or a horrible human being. I think it is a very human reaction.

I don’t see this as what a bad wife you were - you weren’t happy in the relationship, yes? Yet you still stayed and cared for him, no? So, please don’t beat yourself up. You can, and are allowed to, feel both i.e. relief and sadness. It is all right.

ps: and kudos to you for not faking something you don’t feel.

Thanks, Rive. I am mixed up. I never pretended my marriage was wonderful, but I thought I'd be more sad. I am very sorry my H died and will not see our grandchildren grow up. I am grieving the loss but not the relationship. I guess it is what it is.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I would hazard a guess that you weren't the only one struggling with this in the conference call. It's difficult (and not always productive) to speak up and express such difficult feelings when others appear judgemental of them.
Your feelings are valid rainbow. Remember that. I suspect therapy has helped you to be true to your feelings and not deny them to awareness like others might. That is an awesome achievement and very healthy.

Thank you. But maybe we should have gotten divorced years ago and led more fulfilling lives. We stuck together because neither of us wanted to upset the status quo. My T and I talked about this a lot. It's sad.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Don't feel guilty. Every situation is unique. You aren't obligated to fit into some kind of grieving model.

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That's what the grief counselor said too. Thank you.

[LonesomeTonight]

It's possible that the women who were saying that person was awful, how they had lost the love of their life, actually feel more like you do. But they were saying what they though they were supposed to say.

I know this is a very different thing, but it reminds me of how I feel like society expects pregnant women to be all glowing and happy and for new moms to be like, "Oh wow, every second with my newborn is the most amazing experience in the world!" I maybe wasn't so good at faking it, particularly because I had postpartum depression. I recall my mother in law saying I didn't seem as happy as I should be to be a new mom. (She understands me much better now.) And I felt the pressure to be like, "Yay, new baby!" when really I was exhausted, horribly depressed, having bad anxiety, etc.

Again, I know it's different, but it's like conforming to what society expects of you.

[iGottaBme]

My friend told me that she was relieved when her husband passed away. He was crabby and irritable during his illness. She said that he smelled and would not take care of himself. He didn't follow doctor's orders. She is a kind and loving woman and loved her husband.

There are some people who miss their deceased spouse every second of every day but also feel some relief when they pass.

[Luce]

This is one of those areas where radical acceptance or mindfulness can help. It just 'is what it is'.
No judgement necessary. Just an acknowledgement of the feelings that are there (sadness, relief, a sense of freedom, guilt) and an acceptance of all the different factors that together make this what it is.