therapist being useless

I've been really bad for a week now. Even my antidepressants that usually work quite well don't work against the suicidal thoughts I'm having. I'm anxious about the summer and how I'm going to cope without therapy for a month and a half. So in session yesterday I was mostly silent. What did my therapist do? Nothing. She just sat there in her chair looking at me and when I asked her what she was doing, she claimed that she was "respecting my silence". This made me hate her so much. She did nothing to help me, reassure me, bring me some relief. She couldn't be bothered to do anything, on top of everything else. Everthing else is: the fact that she doesn't respond to emails, the fact that she's now taking a week of vacation per month, the fact that she won't do any the things people here write about. So after the session, I wrote an email saying I was quitting. But the thing is, I'm so attached to her. Despite everything. So I alternate between feeling angry, feeling horribly hurt and feeling extremely low. I don't know if I should keep going to therapy or if I should just quit. Of course, the attachment + the comparisons I keep making between my therapist and all the wonderful therapists on here don't make things easy. Sorry for the long story. Any advice appreciated. Thanks in advance.

I think it's normal to be attached to a therapist. My first therapist was AWFUL, but I still felt attached to her because I shared a lot of personal things with her.

Don't feel bad about quitting therapy with her. If she's not helping you, then you don't need her. She works for YOU, so you have the right to fire her.

When my first therapist ended up leaving, I felt "lost", and it took me a week or two to process it all. So, I can say from experience that these conflicting feelings do go away eventually. You just have to give it some time.

My personal recommendation is: don't give up on therapy because of one bad apple. There are plenty of wonderful therapists out there, as you know.

Am sorry you're hurting so much -- perhaps consider taking a break (not the one where she's forced you to take a break for a week every month but your own) to give yourself some space and sort out how you do without the regular triggering pain that therapy with her seems to bring up? You could tell her in advance that you'll come back in say x weeks' time and that way you know that you're not forced to make a final decision right away?

Also, for what it's worth, I wouldn't compare my experience with my T with that of others here except, in so far as to see if something is egregiously wrong with her (which I haven't seen is the case). If therapy is working for you in terms of your real life issues, then great and if not, perhaps time to figure out other options / T's? And, also because as much as I read on here of the truly wonderful Ts, I've also read enough about the really crappy ones -- so, not only is it really a mixed bag but also those for who therapy is just a solid, middle-of-the-road experience (neither great nor terrible but useful to the extent that one keeps going back) are much less likely to say anything because well, by definition, that doesn't bring up much intensity and it's hard to say anything interesting except that one is getting along and that's about it.

Not sure if this is helpful -- I know this sounds really rational / logical but feelings are a whole other matter and there's little reasoning there especially given what you've said about the extent of your attachment to your T.

Either way, hope you get to a better place soon......

Could you interview for a new therapist while still seeing your current T? If you find you click with a new T, s/he may be able to support you while you separate from your current T.

Hmmmmm, it does sound as though she is detaching herself. Perhaps this actually might be reason for your attachment - you want some sort of attention and you apparently aren't getting it.

How often do you expect to see her? How does her being away one week a month affect you? I assume she has some sort of plan - and has communicated it - for what to do in the interim. If she hasn't that seems highly unprofessional to me.

I can see how frustrating your session would have been - especially if you were paying for it out of pocket.

My own feelings regarding email are pretty severe; I don't believe in them btween a health care provider and client. BUT, if this is a method of communication you two DID agree upon then this is high bothersome she is not responding. Very upsetting. My only recommendation is to ask her to clarify what methods she DOES want to undertake.

If you really feel in your gut that its not right and you should move on, then listen to it. Our gut feelings are often right. I agree with others about finding another T who could help and support you if you decide to leave this one.

I think you should trust your instincts too. However...I would not let PC talk of "wonderful" therapists influence you. Some of those therapists are indeed wonderful, some of it is sugarcoating or idealization, some of those wonderful therapists will turn out to be not so wonderful (if they haven't already).

The real question is, is she a good therapist for you as she is? Not, could she be more like other people's therapists? She is who she is, and while she might change small things to help you, she probably will not change her approach to therapy.

I had a session once where I couldn't talk and T just let me sit in silence for 20mins and I was so angry at her. I talked to her about it at the next session and that helped a lot. My T does not let me email her (unless it is for scheduling) and that has been the rule from the beginning. I was upset about it at first but I'm more used to it now and after reading some stories here, I'm glad my T has had strong boundaries from the get go.

Thanks but I'm too attached, that's the problem. It's either her or nobody. I just can't do it all over again with somebody else.

Thanks, yes a break sounds like a good idea. I KNOW I shouldn't draw comparisons between my T and therapists on here because it's not exactly representative and it's never good to compare yourself to others. But I can't help it, unfortunately.

I see her once a week, except for the week she's now taking every month. And of course not she has no plan for the interim. She just takes one week of vacation and expect me to deal with it on my own.

How has she responded to your feelings of loss / painful attachment from the reduced session frequency? I assume by now that she's well aware of how you feel about her.

Has it mostly been "Oh, that's too bad but you need to suck it up"? Or, has she been willing to explore how you feel and at least attempt (even if it's not giving you exactly what you're looking for) to do something on her end to make it less painful for you?

Would you consider that you have grown dependent on her? Have you thought about your own responsibilities and expectations concerning your own participation? This might be something else to sit down and discuss. Is it fair to her that you not say anything? How is she supposed to treat you if this is the case?

Things I agree you have reasonable expectations for: communication and provisions for while she is gone.
Things I'm not so quick to agree with: I think we have our own responsibility to participate in a session - fully. We need to do our part and can't expect therapy to be successful if we don't. It is possible the lack of communication is two sided. I think we owe it to ourselves to be proactive... ask for provisions or a plan of action for emergencies while she is away - and not by email.

Hi Myrto,

If leaving is not an option you are able to consider, could you talk to her about the issues that are bothering you...the silence, the frequent vacations, not responding to emails?

It seems to me, I would try being direct with her before I would up and quit. PC'ers remind me that we are paying for a service, we are paying for T's attention and time. If she is not helping in some way, I feel it might be helpful to discuss your needs with her. She may be able to reach a compromise...or help With certain issues.

Wish you the best.

I have talked to her about it. She knows all about it. She's not going to stop taking vacations, she will not respond to emails and she's not going to ask questions when I'm silent. Her position is pretty clear. The question is: do I accept it or move on?

We have talked about it. She knows. There's nothing to do honestly. I feel abandoned that she's taking those vacations and she won't stop taking them. She hasn't proposed to do anything on her part to make it less painful.

To be honest, I would move on. My first T was like this too. She would let me sit in silence for long periods of time fully knowing how much anxiety it was causing me. Even trying to discuss it with her, she would not change her 'technique'. She also was not into emailing or outside contact which at the time I assumed was what all therapists were like. I was really attached to her too, so much so that when we moved countries I made a couple of trips on my own to see her. When one day she randomly said she thought I might like to think about finishing therapy, I cried for 5 hours all the way home. Looking back it was really bad of her to have announced that when I was away from home and vulnerable and although I did feel attached and dependent, she just wasn't the right therapist for me at all.

I moved on and have been with my current T for nearly 10 years now and she is wonderful. She allows all the things my first T didn't and more importantly if I tell her something isn't working for me, she responds. She adapts. She does not let me sit in silence, or checks with me first if it's ok if she thinks I need some time to think. She is very open to feedback and we work together to find the right approach. All of this has helped me hugely. I could not have got any of this from my previous T and would have wasted alot of time in yearning for it.

I know it's really hard when you're attached but maybe consider how much your therapy might be improved if, say, you didn't have the silences anymore and you did get email responses and the things you feel you need. Maybe take a break and you may find you feel less attached after all. I would also consider as others have said, meeting with some other T's just to hear how they do things and how many of your needs they could meet, i.e emailing between sessions.

Good luck with however you choose to proceed.