I'm cranky...mom interference with session

I had my session last night and planned on talking about last time when T and I connected more...nope it wasn't in the cards.

I also wanted to talk about the movie he told me to watch and we did some of that. It didn't flow out of my mouth the way I had planned.

My fault though, I started the session with an email from my mom. She wants to come to a session with me in the middle of August when she comes out. She has been telling me that she wants to work on our relationship with my therapist at least once...

I've been suspicious of her motives becauseshe previously tried to get me to quit therapy a year ago by going to my husband and saying that my 'therapy' was interfering in our marriage. It wasn't therapy but what I am learning about my marriage.

Some background is she was abusive physically at times and emotionally. She still is emotionally towards me and my brother. My T knows about this and how I feel about her.

I don't talk about her much in therapy but lately because of my brother attending a session, I have been.

I told T two sessions ago more details qbout some things she did while growing up. It is what led me to finally crying in therapy with him.

Now back to the email. My mom first typed how she and my brother are learning so much as I learn about me in therapy. She then said keep talking to me and your brother and where we fit in all of this and tell your therapist thank you.

So, thinking she didn't have an agenda after all
I responded to her that I'm gald she is supportive and it is an amazing experience. To which she replied, "I'm glad to hear that but know that one day you need to move on and deal with everything on your own, you have a family to get back to and your husband and son need you now time is precious".

Now see, there is the hidden agenda!!!!! I think she couldn't care less about coming to the session to work on things with me, she wants to interfere with me and my T...

T said that since she has said that she wants to work things out and she's told me this and my brother, who then confirmed that for T in our previous session.

When he and I talked about the email yesterday, that got him on the subject of when therapy does end and how this isn't supposed to go on forever. He told me to tell my mom that I guess to calm her fears. I am crushed. I was kind of speechless last night.

Why do I feel like my mom has already accomplished her objective? She is afraid of the changes I am making in my life, as others are.

My T seemed pretty eager to have her come and he knows she has tried to sabotage therapy before. He knows how abusive she's been and still is in some ways. He wants me to calm her fears?

Why do I feel as if I've lost my T and my mom is behind it?

Somebody tell me I am obsessing about nothing. That I am wrong about this....!

Poor Almeda!

I'd be crushed too at any conversation about ending therapy. But it sounds like he was just telling you what you might tell your mother to placate her if you feel the need. You are the judge of when to end therapy! If it's helpful, why on earth would you. The people in your life can certainly spare your presence for an hour or two each week.

I find myself angry on your behalf, wishing you could tell your mother to butt out! Certainly sounds like her emotional abuse hasn't ended yet.

I've heard many times that therapy often scares the people associated with you because of changes you learn to make from therapy. They have to learn to deal, and that's all there is.

I'm amazed that you'd consider taking a family member with you to therapy, but I'm not familiar with family therapy so maybe that's not an unusual thing to do. Even if I felt it would be helpful to bring my family members with me (as it is, my issues aren't with my immediate family), I wouldn't because I'm totally jealous of my therapist's attentions. That's just me.

Sorry things are so rough,
Sidony

Eeek! I'd feel the same way! Some of what I think I pay for in therapy is for someone to totally be on MY side. I sensed an element of your therapist trying to appease her and you, when I would have wanted him firmly in your camp! It must have felt like he played right into her hands. And yuck, to mention the dreaded end of therapy I can't imagine how in the world that could be helpful.

Do you want your Mom to attend a session with you? Why is your T eager for that? I think the two of you need to have a lot of discussions about that before you allow that to happen if this is any indication. Therapy should be focused on you and your healing, IMHO. I think your instincts about her are right on the money.

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almeda24fan said:
she previously tried to get me to quit therapy a year ago by going to my husband and saying that my 'therapy' was interfering in our marriage. It wasn't therapy but what I am learning about my marriage.

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How would she know what is happening in your marriage and that your therapy is affecting it (whether it is true or not)? Did you or your husband tell her this? Since your mom has proven to be untrustworthy, I would not share with her any details about my therapy or how you are learning about your marriage through therapy. And I would ask my husband to also keep quiet on this with my mom.

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My mom first typed how she and my brother are learning so much as I learn about me in therapy.

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Don't tell her any more. I don't think your mom should be given the opportunity to "learn" secondhand from your therapy. She's just using it against you.

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So, thinking she didn't have an agenda after all
I responded to her that I'm gald she is supportive and it is an amazing experience. To which she replied, "I'm glad to hear that but know that one day you need to move on and deal with everything on your own, you have a family to get back to and your husband and son need you now time is precious".

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almedafan, you spend one hour a week in therapy and your mom thinks that is too much time away from your husband and son??? Again, if it were me, I would not share any details about my therapy with her. She is butting her head into places she does not belong.

If your mom asks again about attending therapy with you to work out her relationship with you, could you tell her that it can also be helpful to work on one's relationships in individual therapy, and right now you are doing individual work with your T? And perhaps she would like to find a therapist for herself in her own town so she can work on her relationships?

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When he and I talked about the email yesterday, that got him on the subject of when therapy does end and how this isn't supposed to go on forever. He told me to tell my mom that I guess to calm her fears. I am crushed. I was kind of speechless last night.

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I don't think you owe your mom any kind of answer about the length or content of your therapy. Plus, it is not your responsibility to calm her fears. Just suggest she see her own therapist if she wants greater insight into her relationships and behavior patterns.

Hope that isn't too harsh, but IMO your mom needs to butt out of your therapy. I think you can help her do that by not giving her any details.

((((hugs)))) for you, almedafan.

almeda, am I wrong, or isn't it YOUR therapy?

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sunrise said:
How would she know what is happening in your marriage and that your therapy is affecting it (whether it is true or not)? Did you or your husband tell her this? Since your mom has proven to be untrustworthy, I would not share with her any details about my therapy or how you are learning about your marriage through therapy. And I would ask my husband to also keep quiet on this with my mom.

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Good question Sunrise. She came to visit me back when I was in a critical point in therapy. I was fighting feelings big time regarding my marriage and my T. I had just googled the word transference and was confused about my developing feelings for my T. I had no one to talk to about it.

I didn't know about this forum back then. I just thought something was hugely wrong with me and I wrote him this letter (brought it to session) but ended up hinting around at what was happening with me. He was awesome about the whole thing but I was embarrassed. So, I tend to avoid people when I am at this point. My mom and husband had some conversations about how they thought the way I was acting was due to my therapy. Well, it was but in a positive sense for me and not so much for them.

I was a bit too vocal back then about some of what I was realizing and my poor T was the perfect scapegoat. It got so bad at one point with my husband and my mom pressuring me to quit that I did quit for about a few weeks. The pressure was too much. For the first time, I met someone who understood me and if he didn't, he took the time to do that. My T gets me and this is why I am a little hurt that he's caring about my moms fears...

T would ask me hard questions about how I felt about my marriage and I would try to discuss things with my husband. Instead of looking at himself, he pointed the finger towards T and said you are never going back there.

It was hard because my husband was refusing to go with me to therapy and even when he did, it was just a short time. So, I had to try to remember things T and I would talk about and discuss it later with my husband and we all know how that goes...

It was a very bad time and I thought that was all behind me. She has an agenda and I see it clearly.

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sunrise said:
Don't tell her any more. I don't think your mom should be given the opportunity to "learn" secondhand from your therapy. She's just using it against you.

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I know Sunny. I fell for this again because my brother was having major issues and I took him to my session so he could see a little bit of the process and maybe open up a bit.

Since he's gone home, apparently, this is the topic once again. My mom is just finding new ways to say, end therapy now. she doesn't want to work on our relationship, she wants her 15 minutes to try and ruin things for me with my T.

I will not let it happen anymore.

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sunrise said:
almedafan, you spend one hour a week in therapy and your mom thinks that is too much time away from your husband and son??? Again, if it were me, I would not share any details about my therapy with her. She is butting her head into places she does not belong.

If your mom asks again about attending therapy with you to work out her relationship with you, could you tell her that it can also be helpful to work on one's relationships in individual therapy, and right now you are doing individual work with your T? And perhaps she would like to find a therapist for herself in her own town so she can work on her relationships?

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Yes I can Sunny and I will tell her that. thanks for pointing me back in the right direction.

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sunrise said:
I don't think you owe your mom any kind of answer about the length or content of your therapy. Plus, it is not your responsibility to calm her fears. Just suggest she see her own therapist if she wants greater insight into her relationships and behavior patterns.

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I agree I was surprised that my T said that. I don't think he thought it through before he said it. He is not a hurtful person at all. I didn't do a good job of telling him how I felt about it either. So now I sit here until next weeks session.

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sunrise said:
Hope that isn't too harsh, but IMO your mom needs to butt out of your therapy. I think you can help her do that by not giving her any details.

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None of you are being harsh at all. I needed to read these comments, thank you!!!!!!!!

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sidony said:

I find myself angry on your behalf, wishing you could tell your mother to butt out! Certainly sounds like her emotional abuse hasn't ended yet.

I've heard many times that therapy often scares the people associated with you because of changes you learn to make from therapy. They have to learn to deal, and that's all there is.

I'm amazed that you'd consider taking a family member with you to therapy, but I'm not familiar with family therapy so maybe that's not an unusual thing to do. Even if I felt it would be helpful to bring my family members with me (as it is, my issues aren't with my immediate family), I wouldn't because I'm totally jealous of my therapist's attentions. That's just me.

Sorry things are so rough,
Sidony

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I really needed to read this tonight Sid. You are right on the money with what you said and I thought my T agreed with this too. Maybe I misunderstood him and he was just trying to help since I brought the email up in the first place...guess he's damn if he does and if he doesn't sometimes.

(((Almedafan)))

I don't understand why your mother has anything to do with your therapy. My mother is not alive but if she was she wouldn't know what was going on, I can guarantee that. I don't discuss my therapy with anyone in my family, except sometimes my husband but that's only sometimes and some topics.

I think that if you are worried about T ending your therapy, then you should discuss this with him at your next session. Maybe he was just trying to help you manage your mother and get her off your case. Ask him why he wants her in your session if you don't want here there!!

It's time to cut Mom loose on this one and take care of you. You deserve it.