Need advice about my email situation

I honestly think it is you that keeps bringing this email issue up over and over again with your T, therefore making it a bigger problem than it is? I could be WAY off base, and please tell me if I am.

I email my T as well, and sometimes it is a few hours after session, or the next day--like you I process by writing, and my T realizes that. Or sometimes I just am having a hard time, so I email her to call me...etc. My T is different in that I think she lets other clients email her as well, and she usually responds back to what I write. Every once in awhile she doesn't, and she apologizes, but its usually because life happened, which she is always careful to tell me when I freak out that I am contacting her too much.

Sorry--didn't mean to go on a tangent. If e-mailing her after each session to process what you talked about works, and she keeps saying she doesn't want you to stop....then is there a problem? The only thing I wonder about, is your disappointment if she doesn't reply, or not write enough in response. That is where I can see where she might think its not helpful to you, because it keeps you stuck in that loop.

OR maybe - young rainbow is still whining because she still hasn't gotten enough. I don't like (I've done it too) that we are willing to accept crumbs really - "just let me love you, you don't even have to love me back." That's what the emailing sounds like to me -[/B] let me love you, and give me enough of a response that I can pretend to myself that you love me too. I will do this instead of changing, instead of facing that emptiness.[B]]Kind of like T is saying, no deal. We need to face that moment of emptiness. Face whatever is in it.

It's kinda chicken or the egg - does the emptiness fade when we've gotten enough?

One thing I pick up on from you - and I know I may be totally wrong - but it seems like emailing your t is an all or nothing deal for you. As in, you either have to stop emailing her altogether or you have to email her weekly for the rest of your time together. Why not just take it week by week? See how you feel about emailing her each week as move along. You trust your t, so try to trust her process, accept where you are at in that process, and maybe your worries will lessen.

Just throwing this out there. She wants you to learn to self-soothe. That is the goal of a lot of therapists I had. Wouldn't it be better to learn how to do it now rather than wait until she retires, gets a different job, has an accident etc? You can do this. I know you can. You have demonstrated in a lot of ways that you are emotionally and mentally strong. It will be hard at first. Each day you don't email congratulate yourself. You will feel better about yourself also knowing that you are stronger than you think. What would you do if she retired? She is actually helping you with your attachment issues by trying to teach you not to depend on others to help you feel okay about yourself.

I don't have anything to say on the email topic that someone hasn't already said. But I wonder why you feel you have to journal online? You could buy a notebook and use that. If I were journaling, I would do it that way. I find handwritten words much more satisfying than email words on a screen.

I absolutely agree with this! I have 2 boxes of spiral notebook journals going back to the beginning of therapy in October of 2011 - one box is specifically dream journals, the other is everything-else journals. I buy spiral notebooks every fall during the back to school sales when you can get 10 for $1, I usually buy 20 at a time. It is absolutely fascinating to me to go back and read that very first journal - I sounded SO young!! And oh so stubborn. (When I think I'm stubborn now, all I have to do is go back and read that first journal to see how far I've come!) Another plus to hand-written journals is you can draw pictures in them, or color in them, or put stickers in them when the mood strikes.

I agree too, but typing is so much easier and I can't get into the journaling mood again! I love to read my therapy journals from years ago but I also love to read my emails from my T from 5 years ago. I have my diary from when i was in elementary school. Very interesting! I brought it to show my T once.

I can definitely empathize with the desire to email T between sessions in order to maintain that closeness. I know everyone is different but, in my experience, the only way to grow and learn to self-soothe is to simply DO it-- even when it's hard. When my T went on medical leave for a few months with no contact, that's when I had to learn to be okay without any reassurance or support from T. It wasn't planned and there wasn't any warning. It just happened. Going 2 months without contact from her taught me to rely on myself, and showed me that the world didn't end when I couldn't contact my T. Now that she is retired, we text maybe every two weeks and see each other once or twice a month. Now that I'm used to it, i almost don't recognize the "old" me who struggled to wait in between weekly sessions. I will say, though, that the change would have been easier if I had chosen to do it gradually, before my T's health "made" it happen. That's why I would really encourage you to try to do it now. You really will feel more self-reliant and confident if you initiate the change and take ownership of it. I'm so much happier now that I've taken the reigns and no longer feel the need for my T. I think you might feel the same way if you start making yourself self-soothe and realize that you can do it. You've made so much progress over the last couple of years, I really think you're ready to stop emailing between sessions. Making these transitions slowly and gradually will be so much easier than going cold turkey the day you "have" to quit. It will also give you the chance to be in charge of the process, rather than feeling like it is happening to you, which could make you feel out of control.

I journal on my computer in Word. That way I can read it and there is no risk of it being somehow compromised. I wouldn't want my journaling in a blog. No way.

I don't know what to say but I have the same struggle with my T as well. He has recnetly taken all outside communication away and surprisingly this time I am reacting not too badly. Though I still compose a text and delete it.

Just the way people here are reacting to you today is so different than from say two years ago? I don't know if that's on you or on us or on all of us, but it is YUGE (ptooey!). Progress wise I mean.

This reminds me of what my marriage counselor has said about his kids (both teens now) and how that relates to some of my wants/needs regarding him (due to transference and stuff). He said at one point, when his daughter was younger and involved in an individual sport that required lots of practice, he would drop her off there, and she'd call a bit later, feeling anxious and wanting him to come get her. But he'd say no, that she had to talk to people there instead, because if he just came and got her then she wouldn't learn she could handle it on her own.

I know it's hard though--I'll often e-mail my T after a session, too, if I had some more thoughts. She used to not usually respond (that was kind of our agreement). And then a few times in a row, she did respond, just a few sentences, but still something. So then the next time, a couple weeks ago, I felt a bit weird about our session (like she was irritated with me), then sent her a couple long e-mails, partly about that, and partly about other things (including something with MC). Which she of course did not respond to, which made me upset and worried, so I waited a couple days, then texted her, to see if she was annoyed/tired of me/etc.. She was like, "I don't know what 'weird vibe' you were talking about during the session, and I often don't respond to e-mails, so that's nothing different." She didn't seem to get why I needed her to respond to one of *those* e-mails in particular. Which then made me feel like she didn't get me. But by the time of our next appointment, I had lots of other stuff unrelated to her that I needed to talk about, so we discussed it very briefly, then dropped it. But I chose not to e-mail her this week because I didn't like the wondering if she'd respond. So I get it...

You come to (imo) a key realisation at the end of your post "It's not really about emailing but about our relationship". That seems to hold the intent behind emailing: you want to be close to her, draw her to you, maybe remind her (by emails popping into her mailbox and basically you popping into her life in-between sessions) of your presence or existence (so she doesn't forget you? to keep you in mind when you're not physically there?).

Emailing makes you dependent whereas T wants to foster independence. She wants you to dig this strength (which is in you) so you learn self-reliance + to self-soothe.

What she says re being present is, she wants the feelings 'live' or raw. If you've already sent them, it's no longer as...powerful. And makes for less effective therapeutic work.

I think you should try it - for your sake. The good thing is, she is not imposing. She's letting you set the pace but the ultimate goal is for you to soar...to spread your wings and fly!

She really seems to want the best for you.

I agree with someone else that your T is trying to teach you how to self soothe. Go with it and have her help you. I was not taught by my T to self soothe and then she announced she was leaving and now she is gone and I have no clue how to self soothe. I really wish my T had done with me what yours is trying to do. Try to see it as a good thing instead of a curse or something. Trust me when I say it's rougher to do it without her when you are so attached and trying to do it when you are dealing with unbearable grief as I am. You are lucky and I hope you come to see that.

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That's a good idea, kecanoe, but it would be on my computer and someone might see it.

I'm sorry, BunYip, but glad you're doing okay with no outside communication. I could email and not send them j suppose . Or write and delete.